I think I'm just spoiled.
1. I feel really weird @ Catholic U, like an impostor or something. I'm always waiting for someone to leap out from behind a trashcan and yell, "YOU'RE NOT A REAL CATHOLIC!" It's completely irrational because, a. they don't care, b. that's not really how Catholics roll, and c. there weren't that many public trashcans to hide behind. It's just bizarre on some very basic psychological level for me. Returning to a land I have willing exiled myself from.
2. How can they call it a "school of music"? It's one little building. But that's not really what #2 is; #2 is the fact that the "school of music" looks like a little piece of East Berlin. It's all dark, grimy, exposed brick with big, heavy wooden doors... It's not even a cave because caves are spacious. It's a fall-out shelter... Or possibly and inn for Victorian prostitutes who are about to become Jack the Ripper victims. This would normally be the kind of environment I could work with, or at least appreciate on an aesthetic level, but...
3. The musicology people are dull and pretentious. "Yes, Caitlin, it's musicology," but I can't work like that! In terms of the research I'd like to do, they've got me covered, but I don't want to be the kind of musicologist they seem to want to breed! That's what's wrong with musicology!
Who knows. Maybe I won't get in. Maybe my Bach Coffee Cantata paper kill my chances. Maybe they'll decide my musical education is just too inferior. I don't feel like it's a good fit, and I don't want to spend more time in a place that's going to turn me against my goals.
While I was writing my personal statement, I found myself driven to insanity by my frustrations at being a directionless young person. In this fit of insanity, I registered for an audition with the Berklee School of Music in Boston.
Berklee was established as a music school that teaches contemporary (and traditional, but with an emphasis in contemporary) forms of music (jazz, at it's founding - now everything). They used to let everyone in (according to Dr. Green, this was done for the money, but I'd like to think that giving anyone the chance to learn how to make music was an added bonus). Now they audition, interview, and admit about 30% of applicants. It's famous because it's so focused on the contemporary. I like the Contemporary Writing and Production major - it involves learning composition, arranging, producing, songwriting, electronic media, a little bit of everything. They only offer bachelor's degrees and diploma. I'd be a diploma. Money will be a pain in the ass, but I figure if I can even get in to Berklee, I'll find a way.
The noteworthy reactions have been:
1. This is a brilliant plan. Berklee would be great place for you. JAWSOME!
2. It'll be pretty cool if you can get in. *shrug*
3. Why would you want to learn composition from a place that doesn't require that they see any of your work before hand? I am skeptical of Berklee's mission. Do you think maybe you'd be learning lots of things you don't need?! Why didn't you ever tell me you were interested in composition when I AM A COMPOSER?! I think you may just be a directionless young person trying to open new doors in an effort to avoid commitment. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WRITE SOMETHING FIRST!
The first two opinions come from my peers (and the more musically inclined ones, though the first might deny it). The third is, of course, Dr. Green. The discussion with Dr. Green ran into a few issues: first, I think he may simply have a bit of a grudge against Berklee and its hippie education system; second, we run into the fact that, deep down, he's a bit of a snob when it comes to music (*gasp* mon dieu!) and perhaps does not believe that every creative impulse is worth acting on (though if you held him to it, he'd grumble and say, "Okay, fine... if you really want to *grumble grumble*"); third, I didn't tell him about composing because I'm rather insecure about the whole thing, hoped the impulse would go away, and am not going to be writing what I imagine he would consider to be worth-while compositional pursuits. Again, at the end of the day, his inclinations are traditional. Mine are not. I'm sure he thought I was at least mostly kidding when I told him about the Cthulhu opera cycle featuring waterphone, theramin, and zeusaphone, or he desperately hoped that I was.
Blargh. I think applying to Berklee is madness (and oh em gee, teh monies), but I also keep feeling better about it. I actually feel pretty good about the audition. :O Granted, they have lower expectations because they are mostly pulling from new high school grads, but that's probably what I need. Meh. I don't feel like going into all the reasons why I feel good about Berklee right now.
Bottom line, I'm insane and can't bear to put myself in another soul-crushing environment. If they break my spirit, what will I have left?! I need hippie schools!