Another day goes by...
Beginning to adapt to sadness, still crying at least 4 times a day. Coming home to nothing isn't what I really wanted. Getting butterflies in my stomach everytime she walks by is great, but seeing all them being swatted away like flies when she keeps walking isn't. Cross-roads...that's the point I've reached in my life, I'm torn...so torn. It still feels like a bad dream, the worst dream as a matter of fact. I saw her laugh today...I saw her smile today, I'm sure you all saw me smile too, don't think anything of it, it wasn't real. I've lost all feeling in my heart, with the exception of pain, which is still very very real. I tell myself, and her, that I won't call anymore, but I find myself pressing 3 on my phone, which is speed-dial for her cell. I called yesterday; her sister picked up, I miss her too...even though I didn't really like her parents, I miss them too, I love them all. I tell myself again, "Get over it, JT." But my mind and heart both agree not to, they still put things together to spell her name, or a date. The number 6 even reminds me of her because divided by 2 is 3 which is part of 3/11. Basketball and skating remind me of her because she used to be my inspiration, with her hands always on my back, pushing me forward, even when I wasn't falling back. "You'll be pro one day JT, I love you.", "You could be a basketball player if you wanted, I love you.",...she told me today that we fought too much, that was probably the main reason we broke up. But the happiness outweighed all the pain. I know we fought alot...if I knew it was this serious, I would've done something. I guess it's really my fault...I'll take the blame without a fight though. I'll gladly take the harder road for her. Sorry if this is skipping around, I'm just remembering and thinking new things all at once and putting them down. She still has my pen, she still uses it...if I wrote down everything that reminds me of her, you'd all think I was crazy...I want to die, I might as well be dead, the only reason I'm not is because in my heart, there's always hope that she'll come back and lift me up, and I'll lift her up...