(no subject)
i went to go see "up" tonight, the new pixar film. it made me happy, but it was so sad at parts. they have this scrapbook in it, that the main characters make about the adventures from their whole lives together.
when i was driving home, i just all of a sudden started to bawl so hard. i wasn't even really sure why. but so hard. i started to think about how in this whole place, there probably isn't enough of hino and my life together's stuff to fill a shoebox. a ticket to the museum when i took hino for her birthday, a happy birthday card, a note from when we broke up... there aren't even really any pictures of us together, except one or two other people had taken. over four years. i am so sad, not because this is gone, i am so so happy that it is done, i am so very sad because looking back upon four years of life, i find so very little that says that we even lived. i am so sad because i spent four years in something that didn't feel right from the very start, and with someone who took everything in me, and i gave it willingly, but who gave so little back, except to give up on life a little more each day while i ran to hold the crumbling pieces in place. but i am so _very_ happy for it to be done, to have this immense sense of relief and a feeling of connectedness with the world around me. i have not felt this feeling in almost four years, and things have felt so very wrong without it. for days, things have started feeling /right/. that is so AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL that it makes me want to DANCE in celebration. i am healed, and have cried out all the hurt this gave me on the deepest parts of me, ever silently, except in the words on these pages.
i don't want to make this sound like it's about me crying over someone, because it's not -- it's about me healing from someone -- and a lot of wounds they put on my soul that took so long to heal, because at first i didn't even realize where they were from, or at least, i didn't want to accept it or do anything about it because it was so important to me to try and care for her/it, no matter what the cost. but that really wasn't the right thing to do, it was so wrong for both of us. in my mind i just kept hearing, 'i know this is not the way, i know it's not how things are to be'.
---
i also keep thinking about something so very different, someone special. while i was bawling, i kept thinking how /happy/ i am right now. she just came, so unexpectedly, and i am so very happy. i just would like all this past stuff to be done, i am so happy to be "over" it and /healed/ from it and to begin exploring the world as /me/ again, feeling and thinking and /be/ing again :) :) and i'm ever so happy to begin exploring it again with someone who is making me so very /simply/ happy. :) and makes my heart say happy simple wonderful things so often. :)
when i was driving home, i just all of a sudden started to bawl so hard. i wasn't even really sure why. but so hard. i started to think about how in this whole place, there probably isn't enough of hino and my life together's stuff to fill a shoebox. a ticket to the museum when i took hino for her birthday, a happy birthday card, a note from when we broke up... there aren't even really any pictures of us together, except one or two other people had taken. over four years. i am so sad, not because this is gone, i am so so happy that it is done, i am so very sad because looking back upon four years of life, i find so very little that says that we even lived. i am so sad because i spent four years in something that didn't feel right from the very start, and with someone who took everything in me, and i gave it willingly, but who gave so little back, except to give up on life a little more each day while i ran to hold the crumbling pieces in place. but i am so _very_ happy for it to be done, to have this immense sense of relief and a feeling of connectedness with the world around me. i have not felt this feeling in almost four years, and things have felt so very wrong without it. for days, things have started feeling /right/. that is so AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL that it makes me want to DANCE in celebration. i am healed, and have cried out all the hurt this gave me on the deepest parts of me, ever silently, except in the words on these pages.
i don't want to make this sound like it's about me crying over someone, because it's not -- it's about me healing from someone -- and a lot of wounds they put on my soul that took so long to heal, because at first i didn't even realize where they were from, or at least, i didn't want to accept it or do anything about it because it was so important to me to try and care for her/it, no matter what the cost. but that really wasn't the right thing to do, it was so wrong for both of us. in my mind i just kept hearing, 'i know this is not the way, i know it's not how things are to be'.
---
i also keep thinking about something so very different, someone special. while i was bawling, i kept thinking how /happy/ i am right now. she just came, so unexpectedly, and i am so very happy. i just would like all this past stuff to be done, i am so happy to be "over" it and /healed/ from it and to begin exploring the world as /me/ again, feeling and thinking and /be/ing again :) :) and i'm ever so happy to begin exploring it again with someone who is making me so very /simply/ happy. :) and makes my heart say happy simple wonderful things so often. :)