(no subject)
day 0:
i'm going to pretend like noone reads this anymore, so i can put my thoughts and feelings down.
last night i walked home in the rain, and when i came in and held hinos hand for a second i started bawling. she held me for what seemed like forever, until i stopped and could talk again. i told her that she is my best friend, and i was so sad because i love her, and i don't want to lose my best friend or this home we built together, but that it doesn't feel right -- it doesn't feel like a forever thing.
we bawled so much. i told her that even though i love her, very much, and i love to take care of her and tuck her in at night and sleep beside her and wake up with her, that there's something that doesn't feel right. i asked her if she thought that peter and hino were a forever thing, if i was her knight in shining armor that came along, and that we were meant to be together forever. she said she did think that, and i said that i had almost always thought and felt like it wasn't a forever thing, like that we weren't /meant/ to be together. i think that's when i broke her heart, for the second time, and it makes me /so sad/. i am so, so sorry hino.
she asked me if i wanted to break up, and we decided to take a little break instead of a break up. we have been together for almost four years, and if we break up it's life changing. what if we really are supposed to be together? what if what's important is that we make each other happy, and not that there's this feeling inside me that it doesn't feel right? :( why doesn't it feel right? sign.. :( why do i keep wondering what it would be like to be with other people? that alone kills me, because i feel like i'm being dishonest to the spirit of the relationship, and that just thinking those things mean that it's not right to be in the relationship.
is this miranda stuff?? i told hino that i always felt like the person that i was with would just 'get' me, would just understand who i was and see and feel the world the way i see it... is it because i've felt that perfect completeness before, that i can't ever settle down without it again? is this what will happen to *every* relationship i am ever in?
i just don't know
it feels like this is either the right thing to do, or an increadable mistake. and i'm not sure which.
hino is all alone, bawling her eyes out at her dads house, and everyone is apparently on vacation or gone for the weekend at least :'(. i took her there last night, and she has called crying twice so far :'( she wants to come home. it's breaking my heart, and so so sad. i am so, /so/ sorry i did this to you hino :'(
i'm going to pretend like noone reads this anymore, so i can put my thoughts and feelings down.
last night i walked home in the rain, and when i came in and held hinos hand for a second i started bawling. she held me for what seemed like forever, until i stopped and could talk again. i told her that she is my best friend, and i was so sad because i love her, and i don't want to lose my best friend or this home we built together, but that it doesn't feel right -- it doesn't feel like a forever thing.
we bawled so much. i told her that even though i love her, very much, and i love to take care of her and tuck her in at night and sleep beside her and wake up with her, that there's something that doesn't feel right. i asked her if she thought that peter and hino were a forever thing, if i was her knight in shining armor that came along, and that we were meant to be together forever. she said she did think that, and i said that i had almost always thought and felt like it wasn't a forever thing, like that we weren't /meant/ to be together. i think that's when i broke her heart, for the second time, and it makes me /so sad/. i am so, so sorry hino.
she asked me if i wanted to break up, and we decided to take a little break instead of a break up. we have been together for almost four years, and if we break up it's life changing. what if we really are supposed to be together? what if what's important is that we make each other happy, and not that there's this feeling inside me that it doesn't feel right? :( why doesn't it feel right? sign.. :( why do i keep wondering what it would be like to be with other people? that alone kills me, because i feel like i'm being dishonest to the spirit of the relationship, and that just thinking those things mean that it's not right to be in the relationship.
is this miranda stuff?? i told hino that i always felt like the person that i was with would just 'get' me, would just understand who i was and see and feel the world the way i see it... is it because i've felt that perfect completeness before, that i can't ever settle down without it again? is this what will happen to *every* relationship i am ever in?
i just don't know
it feels like this is either the right thing to do, or an increadable mistake. and i'm not sure which.
hino is all alone, bawling her eyes out at her dads house, and everyone is apparently on vacation or gone for the weekend at least :'(. i took her there last night, and she has called crying twice so far :'( she wants to come home. it's breaking my heart, and so so sad. i am so, /so/ sorry i did this to you hino :'(