(no subject)
i haven't written in here lots lately. there was this time, i'm not sure exactly when, when i realized that when i did something amazing or beautiful, i would often think of ways to write it in here, in my head. then i thought wait, why am i thinking about writing about these amazing things in my journal when i should be living them! after that i often would think about stuff and write it in my head, but didn't so much place the words on these pages. but now it's time to put the words back.
one of the things i think about late at night when i'm alone and outside
i've kindof discovered recently that while i can see pretty good up close, i can't see all that well far away. it happened so slowly that i always thought i could see about the same, and that i always had about normal vision. but the things i notice most are trees and stars. and sometimes its a little tricky to see tiny leaves or far away stars.
when i first put on glasses, the first thing i noticed was how many leaves i could see. a time later, alone and outside on a clear night, i looked up and it was so beautiful. you can see so many stars, and so clear, and the places and patterns that they sleep in. and now, when i look up and i'm alone, i just think... i can see so little so far away by my own natural eyes, yet when i look up the universe is looking back and it makes my heart and everything inside me dance and be and feel everything around me and everything is each other. and its beautiful blue white star light and its neverending. and i wonder how it is that everyone i know has looked up their whole lives and seen these things, every night. but they /can't see or feel them/.
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i watched hitchhikers guide to the galaxy tonight. one of the characters, trill, reminds me of darcy so much.
something i never told her, or anyone, was that after i met darcy and we bumped into each other a few times i would hope that we would bump into each other again, because it felt like this wonderful happy gift that would make me silly happy, all the rest of the day. and after i felt that, i remember thinking some summers or off-stream coop terms... i don't know how i'm going to get by this whole few months without that. it felt so long, so distant.. an unbearable time to wait. and so sometimes i would send her a quick meep, though i was always a little shy to do so, to hope she would write back.
i find now that its been almost three years since those bumps. and those unbearable summers... and it makes all this seem so little, by this i mean just day to day stuff, because its like... at the end of it, will any of it help answer the questions of my heart? or will i still have them... inside me... and not know. and have done so much, but nothing at all. i think that's why they're called questions of your heart, and not easy questions.
"sometimes we do not do the things we want to do because we do not want others to know we want to do them". i wish, after i found out darcy worked at the healthfood store by my place in uptown waterloo, that i would have walked in each week and smiled rather than shy away and not go inside, just so she wouldn't know...
one of the things i think about late at night when i'm alone and outside
i've kindof discovered recently that while i can see pretty good up close, i can't see all that well far away. it happened so slowly that i always thought i could see about the same, and that i always had about normal vision. but the things i notice most are trees and stars. and sometimes its a little tricky to see tiny leaves or far away stars.
when i first put on glasses, the first thing i noticed was how many leaves i could see. a time later, alone and outside on a clear night, i looked up and it was so beautiful. you can see so many stars, and so clear, and the places and patterns that they sleep in. and now, when i look up and i'm alone, i just think... i can see so little so far away by my own natural eyes, yet when i look up the universe is looking back and it makes my heart and everything inside me dance and be and feel everything around me and everything is each other. and its beautiful blue white star light and its neverending. and i wonder how it is that everyone i know has looked up their whole lives and seen these things, every night. but they /can't see or feel them/.
---
i watched hitchhikers guide to the galaxy tonight. one of the characters, trill, reminds me of darcy so much.
something i never told her, or anyone, was that after i met darcy and we bumped into each other a few times i would hope that we would bump into each other again, because it felt like this wonderful happy gift that would make me silly happy, all the rest of the day. and after i felt that, i remember thinking some summers or off-stream coop terms... i don't know how i'm going to get by this whole few months without that. it felt so long, so distant.. an unbearable time to wait. and so sometimes i would send her a quick meep, though i was always a little shy to do so, to hope she would write back.
i find now that its been almost three years since those bumps. and those unbearable summers... and it makes all this seem so little, by this i mean just day to day stuff, because its like... at the end of it, will any of it help answer the questions of my heart? or will i still have them... inside me... and not know. and have done so much, but nothing at all. i think that's why they're called questions of your heart, and not easy questions.
"sometimes we do not do the things we want to do because we do not want others to know we want to do them". i wish, after i found out darcy worked at the healthfood store by my place in uptown waterloo, that i would have walked in each week and smiled rather than shy away and not go inside, just so she wouldn't know...