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With todays hectic pace, sometimes it's hard to get a moment to yourself. Especially when it comes to confession. The Church formerly known as Roman Catholic feels your spiritual pain, and brings you the salvation you've been looking for. 1-900-ABSOLUTION. For only 75 cents per minute, you can have the peace you sould needs to last one more day. Just dial 1-900-2276588466 and follow the easy step-by-step intructions to guilt free living. Here's an exapmle of what you'll hear when you call:
Hello. God bless. And thank you for calling the Absolution Hotline. Please choose one of the following six options: For previously committed, or repeat sins, please press 1. For newly achieved sins, please press 2. For sins involving sexual digressons, please press 3. For sins involving sexual digressions with more than one person at a time, please press 4. If you are a boy between the ages of 8 and 13, and feel you require extracurricular counseling, please press 5. To speak to one of our specially trained preists for your one-on-one introduction into the exciting and highly underrated profession of Altar Boy...finally. For vague feelings of guilt that you are certain come from some unremembered sin, please press 6 three times.
That's right! Any time of day or night our phone lines are open. And remember, it's not sex with a preist; it's just a piece of piety.