Feb 06, 2008 22:38
I stayed up until three in the morning last night, refusing to let myself fall asleep until I was sure that closing my eyes wouldn't set me into uncontrollable panic. I haven't had an anxiety attack since August, I think. I don't want another one (or three) now. Still, I've had an intensely, and inappropriately unhappy week.
It seems I have a number of options. Solid, completely plausible options, and each one seems to make me miserable. The only thing I'm sure about is using the money I save to move to Arizona to complete the Sivananda yoga teacher training course in California, hopefully come April. It's what I'm going to be doing in September that has me worried.
Any solution that I come up with puts me at odds with myself. It's confusing. And it just doesn't feel like I have a whole lot of time to figure this out.
Really, what I want seems completely unrealistic. I want to get the fuck out of here, except that I'm not sure where "here" ends, and "there" starts. But where do I go to find a society that feels healthy? Where do I turn to get away from the waste and the excess? Where, exactly, does being surrounded by people feel less isolated? Or, at the very least, where do I get the coping skills to stop being shocked at the fact that don't live in a cleaner, friendlier, more efficient world?
I'm a high stress individual. I have a very hard time letting go of these things. I know that I am being neurotic, and illogical, and I haven't mustered the rational to stop. In the meantime, every time I move my neck, I seize up. And it's been a while since I've slept normally. And when I get depressed, I also get lethargic. Yeah, it's been a bad week.
God, I'm going to end up in a monastery.