I'm a Quiet, Harmless Psycho.
One of my oldest and dearest friends is getting married next winter, which in itself is an exciting, exciting thing, especially if you know my friend. Which I do. Hence... she is my friend. Anyway. As part of her I-am-still-single-lets-go-and-partake-in-debauchery routine (otherwise known as a bachelorette party, but come on, how fun were all those hyphens to read?), her maid of honor and I are going to join her for a three day cruise to the Bahamas in December.
I was sitting around today, planning financial things and facing cold, hard reality. Since I don't want to live with my parents forever (or past August), I've been figuring out how I'll be able to swing rent in addition to the money I spend a month on voice lessons and transportation, also keeping in mind my need to eat, have health insurance and toothpaste and stuff. After rent, voice lessons are by far the biggest expense I have. The way I see it, I'll be better off if I save enough money to pay for the lessons in advance, covering September through December (roughly $1,300), it will be easier to pay for everything else month-by-month. Verdict: including the money I will need to put down on a security deposit for what will probably be a studio in Lakeview, I need to save roughly $2,000.
So far, the expenses for this bachelorette shindig are:
$240 for the cruise, which don't need to be paid all at once, which helps tremendously.
Roughly $218 for airfare.
$70 for the passport that I should get anyway, now that I've got my American citizenship. This is all terribly interesting, I know.
This equals to a hefty sum for a pseudo college student. I spent some time figuring out all the other expenses that will inevitably accrue over this trip, what with the tipping, the inevitable drinking and God knows what else I'll be charged for. Considering just how financially challenged I am at this moment, it's probably a good idea for me to factor in all of the things that will be sucking my bank account dry over the next seven months.
I think I'm becoming responsible. Or I am about to. I seem to have gone through pretty dramatic changes this year, which is what taking a year off from school was all about in the first place, I suppose. Since last December, I've rediscovered my passion for singing and opera, discarded a habit of apathy that has spanned over six years, gotten happy and social, and, most importantly, I've recently gotten motivated. I've come to the realization of what I really want from my education, so instead of going to Columbia College next semester, I'm going to audition to music schools. It means another semester off school, but should (hopefully) amount to a more solid education in the long run. Better preparation for graduate school... In the meantime, I have another semester to get my affairs in order before I turn into one of those musicians who have no life because music is life.
... This entry has really gotten off topic. My point is this:
Somewhere in the middle of researching cruise expenses, a disconcerting thought occurred to me: cruises aren't very eco-friendly. In fact, they're pretty harmful to the environment, considering poor regulation and whatnot. Now, because it's for someone that means a great deal to me, I am going on this trip, despite the fact that, financially, it's going to be very hard to swing. I am overlooking the fact that the cruise is taking place of a (much less expensive) trip to California to see my uncle and his family, otherwise known as people that I miss very much. The experience will probably good for me psychologically, in the long run, but still...
More and more, I become aware of the damaging effects my lifestyle has on the environment. Habits die hard, but I still have a pound of trash in my bag, because I refuse to discard recyclable material in general trash cans. It's not just the environmental things. I have increasingly intense moments where I realize how great the discrepancy between what I want to as a career (as in, singing pretty songs) and the altruist I wish to be.
A lot of the motivation problems I've had over the last year or so have been partially caused by my desire to do things for others, at the expense of getting things done for myself. Unfortunately, the conflict has basically caused me to do nothing for anyone. I know that there are compromises, but I always see the issue as mutually exclusive. As in: either I pursue a career as a singer, which means doing something I love, but doing no direct good for anyone. Or I drop everything and change my educational plans into something that would be directly beneficial to joining the Peace Corps. Or something.
I don't think I know what my point is. This is the most I've written in an age and a half. Despite the fact that this post is little more than an incoherent rant, I think it means that I'm getting my life organized enough to be able to put it into words. Something I haven't been able to do in a very, very long time.