Impressions of a Twilight Critic
Like WOAZ I have a Livejournal. I need a place to store my shit and DA is just not cutting it. The layout was designed by Minty_peach and my cousin helped me put up the livejournal.
I would like to kick off the first entry with a nice annotated reading of Twilight by StephEnie Meyer. Twilight is a book about a bitchy 17-year-old Isabella (Bella) Swan who just moved to Washington. She meets a vampire family and falls in love with a 100+-year-old virgin (virgin? Sure…) and embarks on… actually there is no fuckin journey. Not much happens in the book except for Bella’s whining and constant descriptions of Edward. Edward is apparently telepathic and could read the minds of everyone except for Bella. Although the book fails to explain why, it is easy to conclude that Edward cannot read Bella’s mind because there is no mind to be read, for Bella’s brain emits no brainwaves.
To start off, I don’t want to be a total square, but what the hell is up with the spelling of her pen name? This whole time I have been spelling it like the normal StephAnie’s; I had just realized that I was spelling it wrong. Why must the name be so fuckin confusing?
Twilight pg. 258
This is the part where Bella and Edward are in the meadow and they are suppose to do some romantic shit… though I find this whole encounter to be rather creepy than romantic. Ahem…
I took a step back toward him, my eyes alight with curiosity. She’s imagining him naked, that’s what she’s effin doing. His eyes were wary, reluctant. Because Bella is looking at him in a creepy way! Then again, he’s the sex offender here… I smiled encouragingly and beckoned to him with my hand, taking another step back to him. OMG she might as well just have her tongue hang out and slobber because we all KNOW Bella’s ultimate goal in her piss-poor life is to have sex with a statue. He held up a hand in warning, and I hesitated, rocking back onto my heels. Woooo… scary….
Edward seemed to take a deep breath, and then he stepped out into the bright glow of the midday sun. ZOMG HE BURNED TO DEATH!
Edward in the sunlight was shocking. Oh rlly? I couldn’t get used to it, though I’d been staring at him all afternoon. Not surprised… His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. Edward is a prissy vampire who shines like those glittery My Little Pony toys. Let us frolic around in circles for we now finally see why women want to bang him… his gem must be made of diamonds! He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. Okay Bella, he’s suppose to be beautiful… we get it. There’s no way we can forget his ethereal beauty after you have mentioned it for the billionth time. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn’t sleep. And Edward wears make-up too? OMG, I only wonder what’s actually underneath all that make-up because let’s be honest, he must’ve used a shit-load. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal. Real vampires don’t sparkle. That’s all I’m going to say.
Now and then, his lips would move, so fast it looked like they were trembling. He’s trying to figure out the best way to tell Bella that he is a registered CREEP. But, when I asked, he told me he was singing to himself; it was too low for me to hear. Oh yeah… still trying to figure it out.
I enjoyed the sun, too, though the air wasn’t quite dry enough for my taste. Because it’s not Edward. I would have liked to lie back, as he did, and let the sun warm my face. But I stayed curled up, my chin resting on my knees, unwilling to take my eyes off him. I stand corrected, Edward is not the only creep here. The wind was gentle; it tangled my hair and ruffled the grass that swayed around his motionless form.
The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence. AGAIN with his supposed beauty. All I find that’s beautiful is the amount of cash I’ll get with all those diamonds…
Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a mirage, too beautiful to be real… I don’t know how many lines it’ll take to describe the oh-so-beautiful-yet-pansy Edward but apparently it is more than 260 pages hesitantly, I reached out one finger and stroked the back of his shimmering hand, where it lay within my reach. Are you checking to see if the diamonds are real or cubic zirconium? I marveled again at the perfect texture, satin smooth, cool as stone. That’s it! I can’t read another sentence that describes the absolute flawlessness of Edward Cullen! When I looked up again, his eyes were open, watching me. Butterscotch today, lighter, warmer after hunting. His quick smiled turned up the corners of his flawless lips. Never mind, I just read another sentence.
I would like to kick off the first entry with a nice annotated reading of Twilight by StephEnie Meyer. Twilight is a book about a bitchy 17-year-old Isabella (Bella) Swan who just moved to Washington. She meets a vampire family and falls in love with a 100+-year-old virgin (virgin? Sure…) and embarks on… actually there is no fuckin journey. Not much happens in the book except for Bella’s whining and constant descriptions of Edward. Edward is apparently telepathic and could read the minds of everyone except for Bella. Although the book fails to explain why, it is easy to conclude that Edward cannot read Bella’s mind because there is no mind to be read, for Bella’s brain emits no brainwaves.
To start off, I don’t want to be a total square, but what the hell is up with the spelling of her pen name? This whole time I have been spelling it like the normal StephAnie’s; I had just realized that I was spelling it wrong. Why must the name be so fuckin confusing?
Twilight pg. 258
This is the part where Bella and Edward are in the meadow and they are suppose to do some romantic shit… though I find this whole encounter to be rather creepy than romantic. Ahem…
I took a step back toward him, my eyes alight with curiosity. She’s imagining him naked, that’s what she’s effin doing. His eyes were wary, reluctant. Because Bella is looking at him in a creepy way! Then again, he’s the sex offender here… I smiled encouragingly and beckoned to him with my hand, taking another step back to him. OMG she might as well just have her tongue hang out and slobber because we all KNOW Bella’s ultimate goal in her piss-poor life is to have sex with a statue. He held up a hand in warning, and I hesitated, rocking back onto my heels. Woooo… scary….
Edward seemed to take a deep breath, and then he stepped out into the bright glow of the midday sun. ZOMG HE BURNED TO DEATH!
Edward in the sunlight was shocking. Oh rlly? I couldn’t get used to it, though I’d been staring at him all afternoon. Not surprised… His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. Edward is a prissy vampire who shines like those glittery My Little Pony toys. Let us frolic around in circles for we now finally see why women want to bang him… his gem must be made of diamonds! He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. Okay Bella, he’s suppose to be beautiful… we get it. There’s no way we can forget his ethereal beauty after you have mentioned it for the billionth time. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn’t sleep. And Edward wears make-up too? OMG, I only wonder what’s actually underneath all that make-up because let’s be honest, he must’ve used a shit-load. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal. Real vampires don’t sparkle. That’s all I’m going to say.
Now and then, his lips would move, so fast it looked like they were trembling. He’s trying to figure out the best way to tell Bella that he is a registered CREEP. But, when I asked, he told me he was singing to himself; it was too low for me to hear. Oh yeah… still trying to figure it out.
I enjoyed the sun, too, though the air wasn’t quite dry enough for my taste. Because it’s not Edward. I would have liked to lie back, as he did, and let the sun warm my face. But I stayed curled up, my chin resting on my knees, unwilling to take my eyes off him. I stand corrected, Edward is not the only creep here. The wind was gentle; it tangled my hair and ruffled the grass that swayed around his motionless form.
The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence. AGAIN with his supposed beauty. All I find that’s beautiful is the amount of cash I’ll get with all those diamonds…
Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a mirage, too beautiful to be real… I don’t know how many lines it’ll take to describe the oh-so-beautiful-yet-pansy Edward but apparently it is more than 260 pages hesitantly, I reached out one finger and stroked the back of his shimmering hand, where it lay within my reach. Are you checking to see if the diamonds are real or cubic zirconium? I marveled again at the perfect texture, satin smooth, cool as stone. That’s it! I can’t read another sentence that describes the absolute flawlessness of Edward Cullen! When I looked up again, his eyes were open, watching me. Butterscotch today, lighter, warmer after hunting. His quick smiled turned up the corners of his flawless lips. Never mind, I just read another sentence.