{{reflectiveness}}
>reflective<
my whole life i have let people walk all over me, people lie to me and hurt me. i have this tendency to give people my trust and love, wholeheartedly and unconditionally. i am a people person. i love people. i love being a part of something, being there for someone. i have this thing about me where i always have to be a help. i always have to do something for someone. i tend to put friends, family and sometimes even strangers above myself. now, this doesnt mean that i should always put myself first. but i rarely do, or at least, i think so. i dont like to use the word hate, but i will here. i hate fighting with people. i like to think i am such a "go team go," big ball of energy and love. i guess, i'm not.
i'm 19 years old. i never had a childhood. from the moment i was 9, i was put in charge of my brothers while my parents went off to company functions and dinners, and even when my parents were home, i don't remember a lot of joy. i remember a lot of abuse. a lot of hate. a lot of screaming, glass shattering, crying. **please note. this isnt a sympathy call.** they say, "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger." i truly believe that. in a sense. i would like to think that after all the shit i dealt with as a kid, up to now and in the future, i become a stronger person each time. but still, there is a part of me that is so fragile, weak and so insecure. i cant seem to shake it. it tends to piss me off sometimes. that i cant shake it. i want to be stable. i want to be 100% sure of myself and strong and confident. why? that is how i see my father. strong. confident. sure. i want to be recognized as an adult. i try so hard to be so mature and grown up that it sometimes escapes me. i suppose that is all aprt of "coming into your own," so to speak.
friends come and friends go. this i know. this i have learned. this i have lived. nevertheless, as soon as i connect and click with someone, i jump right into the friendship. almost like a romance, the first part, excitement, wonder, and love is there. not sexual love, but love. caring, kindness and concern for the other person. always wanting to be there and such. after a while, the fun and love and excitement starts to dwindle down. the friend moves on to another new, more exciting friend. you feel ignored, and insecure of yourself. you start blaming yourself that you did something wrong. you were too boring. you werent funny and cool enough. the friend offically moves on, writes you off, whether it be intentionally or unintentionally. it happens. you may talk to the friend still, but its empty. its just. small talk, mild and dull. you think to yourself you should move on too. you do. the process starts over again. **note: not taking or giving any blame.**
life is a rollercoaster ride. goes round, upside down, movin so fast and then it abruptly stops. then it starts over again.
crazy.
i hate losing people. i dont like it. i've done all i can in the past to work things out between many different people. i cant do that anymore. not with every person. my heart, my soul cant take it anymore. some people, i've come to learn and see arent worth it. if someone doesn't want to be friends with you, it means they dont want to be friends with you. that's it. plain and simple. if you cant understand that, then i am sorry. if anyone wants to be friends with me, i jump all over it. i have this "hey! sure! one more smile for the day, one more person to care about!" kinda mindset. maybe that isnt healthy. in the last few years, i've come to see that not all, but a few of the friends i attract are shallow, fake, immature or cold. i dont want that in my life. i dont know why i let it in my life. no, i do know. because in my heart, if i think they can change, then i can make it happen.
its not that easy. at all.
so what is the point of all this? *small laugh* i'm, not entirely to sure yet. i know i need to work on myself... i know i need to stand back and look at things every now and then, perhaps to keep myself in check just for myself if not for others. i know i have this great capacity to love. i want to share that. i just dont know if everyone can handle that. i know i cant some of the time.
>/reflective<
my brother brian came to my classes with me today. he had a blast. i did too. i miss seeing my brother. he is such a good kid.
i had a wonderful easter. amazing. my grandfather was great, and happy and laughing. i truly love seeing him happy. my father's new job is amazing. again, someone else i love to see happy. my dad. things are just so wonderful.
love you -- heather.
my whole life i have let people walk all over me, people lie to me and hurt me. i have this tendency to give people my trust and love, wholeheartedly and unconditionally. i am a people person. i love people. i love being a part of something, being there for someone. i have this thing about me where i always have to be a help. i always have to do something for someone. i tend to put friends, family and sometimes even strangers above myself. now, this doesnt mean that i should always put myself first. but i rarely do, or at least, i think so. i dont like to use the word hate, but i will here. i hate fighting with people. i like to think i am such a "go team go," big ball of energy and love. i guess, i'm not.
i'm 19 years old. i never had a childhood. from the moment i was 9, i was put in charge of my brothers while my parents went off to company functions and dinners, and even when my parents were home, i don't remember a lot of joy. i remember a lot of abuse. a lot of hate. a lot of screaming, glass shattering, crying. **please note. this isnt a sympathy call.** they say, "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger." i truly believe that. in a sense. i would like to think that after all the shit i dealt with as a kid, up to now and in the future, i become a stronger person each time. but still, there is a part of me that is so fragile, weak and so insecure. i cant seem to shake it. it tends to piss me off sometimes. that i cant shake it. i want to be stable. i want to be 100% sure of myself and strong and confident. why? that is how i see my father. strong. confident. sure. i want to be recognized as an adult. i try so hard to be so mature and grown up that it sometimes escapes me. i suppose that is all aprt of "coming into your own," so to speak.
friends come and friends go. this i know. this i have learned. this i have lived. nevertheless, as soon as i connect and click with someone, i jump right into the friendship. almost like a romance, the first part, excitement, wonder, and love is there. not sexual love, but love. caring, kindness and concern for the other person. always wanting to be there and such. after a while, the fun and love and excitement starts to dwindle down. the friend moves on to another new, more exciting friend. you feel ignored, and insecure of yourself. you start blaming yourself that you did something wrong. you were too boring. you werent funny and cool enough. the friend offically moves on, writes you off, whether it be intentionally or unintentionally. it happens. you may talk to the friend still, but its empty. its just. small talk, mild and dull. you think to yourself you should move on too. you do. the process starts over again. **note: not taking or giving any blame.**
life is a rollercoaster ride. goes round, upside down, movin so fast and then it abruptly stops. then it starts over again.
crazy.
i hate losing people. i dont like it. i've done all i can in the past to work things out between many different people. i cant do that anymore. not with every person. my heart, my soul cant take it anymore. some people, i've come to learn and see arent worth it. if someone doesn't want to be friends with you, it means they dont want to be friends with you. that's it. plain and simple. if you cant understand that, then i am sorry. if anyone wants to be friends with me, i jump all over it. i have this "hey! sure! one more smile for the day, one more person to care about!" kinda mindset. maybe that isnt healthy. in the last few years, i've come to see that not all, but a few of the friends i attract are shallow, fake, immature or cold. i dont want that in my life. i dont know why i let it in my life. no, i do know. because in my heart, if i think they can change, then i can make it happen.
its not that easy. at all.
so what is the point of all this? *small laugh* i'm, not entirely to sure yet. i know i need to work on myself... i know i need to stand back and look at things every now and then, perhaps to keep myself in check just for myself if not for others. i know i have this great capacity to love. i want to share that. i just dont know if everyone can handle that. i know i cant some of the time.
>/reflective<
my brother brian came to my classes with me today. he had a blast. i did too. i miss seeing my brother. he is such a good kid.
i had a wonderful easter. amazing. my grandfather was great, and happy and laughing. i truly love seeing him happy. my father's new job is amazing. again, someone else i love to see happy. my dad. things are just so wonderful.
love you -- heather.