Good Friend or Goodbye
Do you know what it's like to watch yourself being removed from someone's life? One problem with Myspace is that it allows you access to too much information. Information is the root of what kills. The more you know, the more you hurt, and you hurt more with the more you see. Everyone says I'm going to be alright. I know I am going to be alright. I AM ALRIGHT. I wouldn't say over you, but I would say that I better understand the situation. But what do you do though when you can physically see yourself being exorcised? It's eleven, fifty-three PM on Monday, March 19, I can see you are online. I can see that you have removed my image from sight. I know it's not hurting you at all, or at least that is all I can see, if it is hurting you. I know you don't ever want to deal with my feelings anymore, that crying on the phone was enough. And that dinner with me was probably a mistake, seeing as though it was just one more day that you had to deal with me. But hey, I apparently can act very well, because you saw no tears that night, only my coat and steering wheel felt them. I didn't want you to have to deal. I'm writing this in live journal, because I can't decide yet if I want you to read it. I feel ridiculous that I look at your myspace page, not daily, but enough, it kills but its part of the process. You have beautiful friends. I don't include myself in that list. I can't. You call me a friend in person/on the phone, but you don't treat me like one. I'm just someone you feel guilty about sleeping with, and if I could take that back I would. I'm sorry I was a virgin. Sorry I made this, whatever it is, so fucking hard for you. I understand completely why all the guys I talk to are so against sleeping with virgins. Had you known, I know that you wouldn't have made a move, but on that same plane, had I known that you didn't want more from me, I would have said no. I don't regret anything, that's not what I am saying, so don't take it that way. I'm happy to know you, happy I got to spend time with you. When I first met you almost two years ago, all I ever wanted was a friendship. I thought there was no way that you'd ever want anything from me. The fact that I fell for you is still unclear. I don't know why it happened, or why anything happened at all. I guess someone,somewhere decided I hadn't experienced enough hurt. But now, why, why won't you talk to me? You said we would still be friends. You said it. You said that I would still see you. You said that. You said we could still hang out. I believed you for once, maybe that was the problem. Because now, not all the time, but late at night, if I happen to jump on myspace to see you online, or I see your grandparents at work, I think about you. I think we could have so much fun, if only you would let it happen. I'm unclear about the problem, because I am not asking for you to sleep with me. I'm not. I heard you, believe it or not. I heard you say that you were done with that. And I actually have accepted that. If I call you, which I haven't for a while, I find myself discussing my life with your voicemail, and hopelessly trying to pluck your life details from it as well, but it gives me nothing. You give me nothing. So what is your problem anyways? I know that you know what it feels like to be ignored because of your daughter situation, so why would you want to do that to someone else. Not that I think that the two situations are even close to being equivalent, but they definitely have similarities. I guess the question lies in what you think of me. Because I'm obviously not a top friend, thanks to myspace and the fact that you could list all your friends on there as top, but hey you moved me completely, it hurts. Oh and the fact that you read but never respond to messages/comments from me. Did you know that myspace tells me you read them? I feel like a stalker writing this, but I can't seem to escape that erasure feeling. You said that wasn't what you wanted, that you wanted me in your life. So what's the problem? No, I'm not going to believe that you can't be around me without thinking about fucking me, because even if you used that excuse what, then is the harm in a phone call? Is it not just conversation? I'm in a totally different city, I have no plans to return home again before the end of the school year. I just want to know how you are, what is going on with you, and I want to tell you about things with me. Friends do that. I don't know why you are scared to talk to me, I have always been there for you. You can call me and I will sit and listen to anything you have to say about anything and not say a damn thing if that's what you need. (Here is where you pretend like I have never been this to you before, but I have....) God, the more I write the more I contradict myself, because the more information I give, that more it sucks. But I can't stop. I'm typing through tears because I thought I was more to you. But please, read this, I am not crying because you don't love me, and not because you don't want to sleep with me anymore, don't be confused. I'm crying because for the loss of a friend. I know you said it wouldn't happen, but what am I supposed to think? So one question, why are you cleansing yourself of me? Last time you asked me what I wanted from you, I said a friendship. That's ALL I want now. Nothing more. I'm done throwing myself at you. When I call you, it's to ask how you are doing, maybe to get my movie back, ask about car buying, or anything else that may remind me of you, I'm not calling for sex. OK? When I message you on myspace, I'm not asking for you to sleep with me, I'm asking normal friend things. So I guess what I'm saying is, why can't you just hear me out? What is the problem with conversation? Afraid it's going to lead somewhere? I won't let that happen, I promise. It's off the table. History. Over. I just want you to act like a friend, the friend you said you would still be. That's it. I'm going to let this sit in my live journal for a few days. If I still feel like sending to you after that, then I will. I will probably regret it, at any rate, but since I guess I have to say what I have to say. Since apparently you don't understand the word 'friend'. And if you do, act like it.