I almost had you
Yesterday was.. wow, so many words i could write to describe yesterday, ill just say it was.. wierd.
>>i overdosed a little on Prozac before i went to youth club, cause i didnt wanna break down.<<
Jenny and Ashley came with me to Youth club, and hardly ANYONE was there, it was better that way tho. I had fun, laughed alot, was enjoying myself lol and i love alex! i couldnt stop hugging him..
Also, I love singing with Jenny in church, well anywhere, but when we are singing church songs and we are the loudest ones, its just so cute, I LOVE YOU JENNY!
So Bible study came faster than i thought.. I was really nervous, my heart was pounding through my chest, and i couldnt breath, but i knew i was gonna say something.
We had to write a worry, and people we wanted to pray for on this piece of paper, So i wrote "Im worried about a number of things.. but one of the things i have been holding inside of me for a while now, but i feel like if i tell others they just wont understand, or just wont even believe me" and Dana read it out loud, and than Alex and Jenny wrote Prayers for Me.. So than Dana asked if anyone wanted to do Anointing this week, and no one said anything. Alex grabbed my hand, and so did Jenny. They both were starring at me, and Dana was like "well since everyone is starring at Carissa, do you have something to say haha" and I seriously was so nervous, i couldnt breath, my heart was pounding through my chest, and i just wanted to drop dead, but somehow i got the stregnth to actually talk, and actually say what i needed to get out.. Jenny, Alex and Ashley all started crying, but i was so numb from my pills that i didnt shed one tear, but believe me, i felt the pain inside..
After, i think everyone was in shock, and scared? I dont know, but than i sat in the middle, and Jenny started crying hysterically, everyone had their hands on me praying, and i dont know why, but i felt better, i felt alive once again, i felt actually worth something. I guess i did the right thing..
Matt gave me his phone number after saying i could call him anytime i wanted << I love you matt, thank you so much
Mike told me to call him too lol i already have his number =P
So, I told my mom, and i think she kind of already knew but was waiting for me to come to her, She didnt cry much, and i dunno i love her.
My dad was in shock, and didnt talk all day today. and Now he says he feels like a failure, because im his "baby girl" and He is supposed to protect me, but he failed. I love my dad so much.. i dont know if i wish i didnt tell him or not..
I told my mom she can tell whoever she wants, cause i honestly dont care who knows anymore. Im tired of keeping this stupid secret, its in the past, and i dont care if you dont believe me, but who the fuck would lie about this kind of thing?? honestly, who would??
So i dont care who knows, but just letting you guys know, i dont want your fucking sympathy. Thats not what im about, i hate when people feel sorry for me, im so much stronger than you think, so if you feel like making me a charity case than go the fuck away, cause i dont need it.
Also, im not doing this for attention, put yourself in my shoes, would you honestly care anymore? after everything you have been through?
and plus, you all know me, i hate attention, if i honestly wanted it, i think right after it happend i woulda made it a HUGE deal, but its just been recently where i have been opening up to people cause for some reason i just feel like i shouldnt hide this anymore, im sick of this secret, So if you wanna know, just ask me.
So im going over my boyfriends house right now =) I LOVE HIM!
Im in a good mood today
>>i overdosed a little on Prozac before i went to youth club, cause i didnt wanna break down.<<
Jenny and Ashley came with me to Youth club, and hardly ANYONE was there, it was better that way tho. I had fun, laughed alot, was enjoying myself lol and i love alex! i couldnt stop hugging him..
Also, I love singing with Jenny in church, well anywhere, but when we are singing church songs and we are the loudest ones, its just so cute, I LOVE YOU JENNY!
So Bible study came faster than i thought.. I was really nervous, my heart was pounding through my chest, and i couldnt breath, but i knew i was gonna say something.
We had to write a worry, and people we wanted to pray for on this piece of paper, So i wrote "Im worried about a number of things.. but one of the things i have been holding inside of me for a while now, but i feel like if i tell others they just wont understand, or just wont even believe me" and Dana read it out loud, and than Alex and Jenny wrote Prayers for Me.. So than Dana asked if anyone wanted to do Anointing this week, and no one said anything. Alex grabbed my hand, and so did Jenny. They both were starring at me, and Dana was like "well since everyone is starring at Carissa, do you have something to say haha" and I seriously was so nervous, i couldnt breath, my heart was pounding through my chest, and i just wanted to drop dead, but somehow i got the stregnth to actually talk, and actually say what i needed to get out.. Jenny, Alex and Ashley all started crying, but i was so numb from my pills that i didnt shed one tear, but believe me, i felt the pain inside..
After, i think everyone was in shock, and scared? I dont know, but than i sat in the middle, and Jenny started crying hysterically, everyone had their hands on me praying, and i dont know why, but i felt better, i felt alive once again, i felt actually worth something. I guess i did the right thing..
Matt gave me his phone number after saying i could call him anytime i wanted << I love you matt, thank you so much
Mike told me to call him too lol i already have his number =P
So, I told my mom, and i think she kind of already knew but was waiting for me to come to her, She didnt cry much, and i dunno i love her.
My dad was in shock, and didnt talk all day today. and Now he says he feels like a failure, because im his "baby girl" and He is supposed to protect me, but he failed. I love my dad so much.. i dont know if i wish i didnt tell him or not..
I told my mom she can tell whoever she wants, cause i honestly dont care who knows anymore. Im tired of keeping this stupid secret, its in the past, and i dont care if you dont believe me, but who the fuck would lie about this kind of thing?? honestly, who would??
So i dont care who knows, but just letting you guys know, i dont want your fucking sympathy. Thats not what im about, i hate when people feel sorry for me, im so much stronger than you think, so if you feel like making me a charity case than go the fuck away, cause i dont need it.
Also, im not doing this for attention, put yourself in my shoes, would you honestly care anymore? after everything you have been through?
and plus, you all know me, i hate attention, if i honestly wanted it, i think right after it happend i woulda made it a HUGE deal, but its just been recently where i have been opening up to people cause for some reason i just feel like i shouldnt hide this anymore, im sick of this secret, So if you wanna know, just ask me.
So im going over my boyfriends house right now =) I LOVE HIM!
Im in a good mood today