(no subject)
There was a lesson I learned, at maybe eighteen or nineteen, about repressing emotion. how even though your insides seem vast, thirteen gallons of water sloshing about, thirty feet of intestine, there is only so much feeling you can cram into those cavities before it is slithering out with every exhale, running from your pores when you sweat.
i thought i had learned about the negative effects of keeping everything inside my head, had grown tired of the stress and the way it wears on my body. i pretended to become an open, honest person, but instead i've just become an unstoppable spout about the superficial worries in my life. i will happily go on for half an hour about a phone conversation i had with a crush or my concerns over a new haircut, but, unless pressed, i probably won't mention the heart attack my grandpa just had, how worried i am that the man i thought to be neverending has turned out to be very much mortal. while i wasn't paying attention, he's gone and turned into an older man. a fragile being.
and there's nothing i can do about it.
that's the phrase that keeps going through my head. there's nothing i can do about it. there's nothing i can do about it. everyone is agonized by this problem, i'm sure, but i've always had a bit of a savior complex, according to some. i just want to be strong, to help. and with every new crisis that has arisen in my life recently, my powerlessness has been highlighted.
so what do you do when sadness is overwhelming you? you get angry instead. it's a time honored technique. i am full of lava rage, in a way i haven't been since my most miserable point in high school. i keep thinking about that tegan and sara song- "I was swinging fists, like nails in a board..." I want to kick and punch and scream. I want to shave my head, get a new tattoo, put a few more holes in my ears. anything to be battle ready, to feel capable, because i'm now not right now.
i am honestly miserable. had to choke back tears today at work, at the concert, on the subway home. i hate that feeling, that ugly bulge in your throat.
since it is my mission to not let how i feel on to others, i've been pushing it all back, without much effectiveness. do it enough and you end up yelling at your best friends instead of the stupid girl who won't call you back, the one that you thought might understand. it's easier to glare at people you care about then the friends who are letting you drift away. it's at least a tangible feeling, unlike the anger i'm feeling at the whole fucking world, all the health problems and the manipulation, the shitty jobs and the nights spent alone, teary.
i don't know where this is going. i'm weary. i just know that there was a moment tonight where i was left thinking, dear god, i am actually going certifiably insane. i have endless layers of shit in my mind, just waiting to come crashing down. i have pretty much stopped drinking lately, because there's no telling what will come out if i let the emotional reigns loose.
i'm hoping i can just wait this one out.
i thought i had learned about the negative effects of keeping everything inside my head, had grown tired of the stress and the way it wears on my body. i pretended to become an open, honest person, but instead i've just become an unstoppable spout about the superficial worries in my life. i will happily go on for half an hour about a phone conversation i had with a crush or my concerns over a new haircut, but, unless pressed, i probably won't mention the heart attack my grandpa just had, how worried i am that the man i thought to be neverending has turned out to be very much mortal. while i wasn't paying attention, he's gone and turned into an older man. a fragile being.
and there's nothing i can do about it.
that's the phrase that keeps going through my head. there's nothing i can do about it. there's nothing i can do about it. everyone is agonized by this problem, i'm sure, but i've always had a bit of a savior complex, according to some. i just want to be strong, to help. and with every new crisis that has arisen in my life recently, my powerlessness has been highlighted.
so what do you do when sadness is overwhelming you? you get angry instead. it's a time honored technique. i am full of lava rage, in a way i haven't been since my most miserable point in high school. i keep thinking about that tegan and sara song- "I was swinging fists, like nails in a board..." I want to kick and punch and scream. I want to shave my head, get a new tattoo, put a few more holes in my ears. anything to be battle ready, to feel capable, because i'm now not right now.
i am honestly miserable. had to choke back tears today at work, at the concert, on the subway home. i hate that feeling, that ugly bulge in your throat.
since it is my mission to not let how i feel on to others, i've been pushing it all back, without much effectiveness. do it enough and you end up yelling at your best friends instead of the stupid girl who won't call you back, the one that you thought might understand. it's easier to glare at people you care about then the friends who are letting you drift away. it's at least a tangible feeling, unlike the anger i'm feeling at the whole fucking world, all the health problems and the manipulation, the shitty jobs and the nights spent alone, teary.
i don't know where this is going. i'm weary. i just know that there was a moment tonight where i was left thinking, dear god, i am actually going certifiably insane. i have endless layers of shit in my mind, just waiting to come crashing down. i have pretty much stopped drinking lately, because there's no telling what will come out if i let the emotional reigns loose.
i'm hoping i can just wait this one out.