I wrote this before.
This is crazy.
Look at where I am.
In life.
I’m nine months away from moving out of my home and relocating to a whole new town, with a whole new bunch of people- save for a few of my close buddies- and starting a new chapter. I don’t really know how I feel about all of this. I mean, I’m really excited to be out on my own. I love my family, but it’s time to separate. We’re at odds on a lot of things and it will be good to get some space. The thing is, I don’t want to leave this place. Not my house, but my home. My town. My job. My friends. Well, and my house. I like my room and the lake’s kind of a plus... but, I don’t want to start all over. When I need to run to the store, it’s not gonna be my Kroger. At Christmastime, I’m not gonna pass that house with my favorite decorations every time I drive home at night. I’m not going to be able to look out over my porch and have that beautiful view. I don’t like the sound of that. And quite honestly, I don’t know how I’m gonna do with this whole college thing anyway. I’m already fed up with the minimal work of my senior year. How am I gonna handle a college load? I mean, living at my school? How strange is that? I’m not gonna have a house, I’m gonna have this tiny little room with twin size bunk beds and I’m gonna have to share a bathroom with a whole floor full of people. The more think about it and the more I write about it, the less I like the sound of it. Kelley Oliver talked today about going to Western and living in an apartment and saving up, and that’s exactly what I really wanna do, deep down. I mean, I know it’s not the same experience, and I know trying to live in an apartment is gonna kick my ass, but I feel like I’ll be able to handle it a lot better than the way things are going now.
I know that all that is not an option, but it’s still a desire. It’s silly. Here I am with the opportunity to have an excellent education and meet so many new people and have so many awesome experiences, and I don’t wanna. I just.... I dunno. I feel like it’s not for me. Nothing I can do, I guess.
I’m just scared. I’m scared of change.
I am so in love right now, and what if this changes it? I mean, if it’s strong enough I guess it shouldn’t. But routines will change, we’ll be in totally different situations... then again, aren’t we now, already? I care about him too much to lose him, but sometimes the world gets in the way. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to be too burdened with work to find time with him. I don’t want to be so far from him. I guess it’s pretty much the same distance as now, just on the highway and such. I dunno. I just don’t know what to do.
I’m glad Amanda’s going with me. That helps a lot. I know she’ll keep me in line, and that sense of familiarity will be really helpful in such a new place. I’m so dependent on other people, it’s really sad.
I just don’t know what to think anymore. I should be excited, but all I can do is worry. Then again, that’s what I’m good at.
Why am I thinking about this now? It’s nine months away! Why waste the time I have left in this part of my life worrying about what will happen in the next? Because that’s what I do.
I need to stop.
I need to breathe.
I need to slow down and enjoy the moment.
I need to live for now, and let now ease me into later with no pain, no problems. But how can I learn how to do that now? Is it too late to change the way I do life in general?
So many questions in my mind lately... I don’t know what to do with them all.
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and yet the saddest. Everything I’m going through now is so new and exciting, but so scary and unsettling all at once.
So many things...
I can’t even begin to comprehend how I got here today, in this place in my life- the good parts, and the bad ones.
How do you analyze every aspect of your existence, pick out the good things, weed through the bad things, and organize it all to perfection? I guess it’s impossible, but it’d be nice to have a little bit of structure, a little bit of reasoning, a few answers here and there.
Everything is so crazy, there are so many surprises that jump out at you, and then there’s the same monotony you live through every day.
How do you deal with it all? How do you handle the ups and downs without collapsing in between?
I’m at the edge of the cliff, and I’m about to jump off into a whole new horizon, and I can’t tell if it should happen sooner, or if I won’t be ready in time.
Why can’t I find the secret? Why can’t I find the key to my life, to me? Why can’t things be easy?
I don’t know where I’m gonna be or who I’m gonna be with, but the prospect of things turning out a little differently than I plan scares the hell out of me. But we only have so much control in life. Or does every decision we make, every step we move forward have an impact? If we make every right move, can we map out our lives in such a detailed fashion that there will be no surprises, no variation on how we have made up our minds to live?
I guess as humans we’ve learned that we have to do what we can in the here and now, and then just wait it out to reach the future and turn it into the past.
Oy. I need a teddy bear to hug.
Look at where I am.
In life.
I’m nine months away from moving out of my home and relocating to a whole new town, with a whole new bunch of people- save for a few of my close buddies- and starting a new chapter. I don’t really know how I feel about all of this. I mean, I’m really excited to be out on my own. I love my family, but it’s time to separate. We’re at odds on a lot of things and it will be good to get some space. The thing is, I don’t want to leave this place. Not my house, but my home. My town. My job. My friends. Well, and my house. I like my room and the lake’s kind of a plus... but, I don’t want to start all over. When I need to run to the store, it’s not gonna be my Kroger. At Christmastime, I’m not gonna pass that house with my favorite decorations every time I drive home at night. I’m not going to be able to look out over my porch and have that beautiful view. I don’t like the sound of that. And quite honestly, I don’t know how I’m gonna do with this whole college thing anyway. I’m already fed up with the minimal work of my senior year. How am I gonna handle a college load? I mean, living at my school? How strange is that? I’m not gonna have a house, I’m gonna have this tiny little room with twin size bunk beds and I’m gonna have to share a bathroom with a whole floor full of people. The more think about it and the more I write about it, the less I like the sound of it. Kelley Oliver talked today about going to Western and living in an apartment and saving up, and that’s exactly what I really wanna do, deep down. I mean, I know it’s not the same experience, and I know trying to live in an apartment is gonna kick my ass, but I feel like I’ll be able to handle it a lot better than the way things are going now.
I know that all that is not an option, but it’s still a desire. It’s silly. Here I am with the opportunity to have an excellent education and meet so many new people and have so many awesome experiences, and I don’t wanna. I just.... I dunno. I feel like it’s not for me. Nothing I can do, I guess.
I’m just scared. I’m scared of change.
I am so in love right now, and what if this changes it? I mean, if it’s strong enough I guess it shouldn’t. But routines will change, we’ll be in totally different situations... then again, aren’t we now, already? I care about him too much to lose him, but sometimes the world gets in the way. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to be too burdened with work to find time with him. I don’t want to be so far from him. I guess it’s pretty much the same distance as now, just on the highway and such. I dunno. I just don’t know what to do.
I’m glad Amanda’s going with me. That helps a lot. I know she’ll keep me in line, and that sense of familiarity will be really helpful in such a new place. I’m so dependent on other people, it’s really sad.
I just don’t know what to think anymore. I should be excited, but all I can do is worry. Then again, that’s what I’m good at.
Why am I thinking about this now? It’s nine months away! Why waste the time I have left in this part of my life worrying about what will happen in the next? Because that’s what I do.
I need to stop.
I need to breathe.
I need to slow down and enjoy the moment.
I need to live for now, and let now ease me into later with no pain, no problems. But how can I learn how to do that now? Is it too late to change the way I do life in general?
So many questions in my mind lately... I don’t know what to do with them all.
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and yet the saddest. Everything I’m going through now is so new and exciting, but so scary and unsettling all at once.
So many things...
I can’t even begin to comprehend how I got here today, in this place in my life- the good parts, and the bad ones.
How do you analyze every aspect of your existence, pick out the good things, weed through the bad things, and organize it all to perfection? I guess it’s impossible, but it’d be nice to have a little bit of structure, a little bit of reasoning, a few answers here and there.
Everything is so crazy, there are so many surprises that jump out at you, and then there’s the same monotony you live through every day.
How do you deal with it all? How do you handle the ups and downs without collapsing in between?
I’m at the edge of the cliff, and I’m about to jump off into a whole new horizon, and I can’t tell if it should happen sooner, or if I won’t be ready in time.
Why can’t I find the secret? Why can’t I find the key to my life, to me? Why can’t things be easy?
I don’t know where I’m gonna be or who I’m gonna be with, but the prospect of things turning out a little differently than I plan scares the hell out of me. But we only have so much control in life. Or does every decision we make, every step we move forward have an impact? If we make every right move, can we map out our lives in such a detailed fashion that there will be no surprises, no variation on how we have made up our minds to live?
I guess as humans we’ve learned that we have to do what we can in the here and now, and then just wait it out to reach the future and turn it into the past.
Oy. I need a teddy bear to hug.