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[imjustcurious]

Haven't had much time for public e-masturbation-- I'm trying and mostly succeeding in busying myself with school. I am, despite my love of groups of people I know, on top of work in all my classes except playwriting. I'm in college, baby! I'm studying Franz KafKarl Marx

Comments

[plura]

Socially back in form too, mostly thanks to a week in NYC. The amount of money I spend or is spent on me is directly related to my sense of self, and my sense of self directly effects my relationship with mortality. Fo' serious. I was okay with death/starvation/apathy until I became a productive person-- when I care about people and what they think about me, there's a desire to be mourned. All mourning is selfish, maybe??? Ignore this. My language is loose, like sleeve of wizard.
(Am thinking about the drive on 1-95 when Grandma died, screaming into the steering wheel, "I'm so stupid. I'm so fucking stupid." That was weird.)
i feel like asma would be able to articulate what you cannot (using the given information) for you in a way that you can understand.

maybe instead of worrying about how you affect others, you might try just focusing on being as honest or genuine with yourself and with others as humanly possible. another way of doing the same thing is to never regret anything you think, say, or do because you never think, say, or do something you are ashamed of. maybe you'll find a more comfortable self of sense. or, alternatively, maybe you'll become incredibly unfunny, like myself. but maybe it's an exercise worth trying for a little while, just to see what happens.

sometimes that which should be obvious to others needs to be said to them and in a public forum. it lends validity to suspicions, and there is a certain consolation in that. it's like if you bring your girlfriend back home and meet up with some old friends and when they ask about her, you say, "o, we're just good friends;" even if she knows better, she will have been upset that you're not proud enough of the truth of your relationship to tell others. there is no consolation in apparent shame. am i making any sense? (a less passive aggressive explication of the above: rendering an already oblique reference into a parenthetical remark isn't doing wonders for her image of how significant a figure she is in your life.)