balance
I think I'm finally starting to learn about balance in life, which is well, quite a lesson, considering people with BPD are notorious extremists. I am no exception from this.
I mean, ever since I kind of started over down here, I've found myself irrationally angry and frustrated with a lot of things. And I couldn't understand why at first. I've become so incredibly bitter over the years because of how life has treated me at times. I've become bitter over the way other people treat me. I've become incredibly self-loathing and underconfident, partly because of the environment I was brought up, but MOSTLY as a defense mechanism to keep people from hurting me.
And after spending the month or so reveling in my own pool of extreme bitterness and self-pity, it occurs to me that I never did anything about any of this. I have NEVER stood up to a bully, never challenged myself on the self-loathing thoughts, never outwardly demanded respect from anyone, assumed I deserved anything bad that happened to me, assumed I was the only one that had bad things happen to them (extremist!).
I just let it all happen to me and never did a DAMN thing. And then, when I'm in my comfort zone, I'd cry and angst about it, you know, "oh, everyone treats me this way. I must deserve it. There aren't any people worth befriending in this world." Every uncomfortable situation I've been in- it's either ALL my fault, or all THEIR fault (their meaning society, one person, a group of people, WHATEVER the case).
Until I moved down here anyway. I guess this was a fucking huge reality check. I think I've done a lot of radical acceptances on my part. I've stopped judging things as much. I've grown up and taken a lot of responsibilities on.
I've started telling myself, that everything has certain types of responsibilty attached to it, and in most cases when there is a conflict, it's my fault as much as the other factor. It's not just how one side reacts, it's how the other one responds to it. And my problem is I never before responded to it properly- I would pretend to accept it and then be inwardly bitter. Huge mistake.
I guess I still have a long way to go. I still get depressed frequently. I get panic attacks nearly every day. I get periods where I can't do anything but lie around and whine about how unsatisfied I am with myself, how alienated I feel, how terrified I am with my friends betraying me or people not liking me, but then I have extremely high expectations of myself and like everyone else in the world, I'm scared of someone hurting me again, especially since I'm so empathetic and sensitive.
I've also come to accept that there are things about myself, that despite what my father says, I can't get rid of entirely. I'll always be shy, neurotic, introverted, sensitive, and probably too nice and accomadating for my own good. I doubt I'll ever be a very confident person. I can fake it pretty well sometimes though, that's gotta count for something =D;; But I mean, know that I've got these traits is a way for me to understand my behavior, understand why I do certain things- instead of making excuses for them. Realising that I'm just as human as everyone else, and that I'm liable to do stupid things once in awhile.
[insert thoughtful conclusion here]
=D;;
I just needed to jot this down before I get into one of my not-so-confident moods. Because as I said, they frequent my brain, and the smallest thing seems to set me off (more ridiculous symptoms).
I think I'm making progress. Please don't hate on me for being pretentious :x