January.

[imissmyfarm]

Uhm life changes really fast.? I don't know who I am and I don't know where I'm going and I don't care. Kai and I broke up, for good, and I don't know what I think. We were really close and now, we're nothing. He was a really sweet boyfriend, sometimes I thought he cared and loved me too much. Things just turned ugly really fast and I don't know who that boy is anymore. He's that asshole friend again and I don't know why. Asking just makes him angry. I guess I feel like to let go, I need to completely understand how to be in love with someone and then want out. So he's going to be mad if I mention us, ask about us, or even recall anything about us being together. To me that means something isn't right.. I guess I did a thousand things wrong. I thought I was right and I thought he was wrong. I just pushed him so far away.. I don't know how to not understand it and accept that I don't know anything that happened. I think I messed up, and for a long while I wasn't even myself because I just needed to push him away. I really never felt I would react like this. I never thought we could go back to bickering friends who practically get on each others nerves. Its that much harder when I know i'm in love with him this time around? Or maybe not... I dont know how I feel. I just don't think people change for no reason. Anyone can have it all. He wouldnt even agree to breakup unless we stayed amazing friends.. those kinda friends are empathetic. I guess he just doesn't wanna deal with it so it pisses him off. Life is just funny, He was almost worse when I used to break up with him. It's like i'm expected to be thrilled. I miss everything. Like wayyyyyy too much. I'm totally okay, or I will be, or I am.. he just means a lot to me as a person and I don't want to lose that. A week ago I would have said he wouldn't either. But i dont know, he has a whole new set of ideas and decisions and lifestyle right now. I wish things were a lot different when we were together. You just kinda get one chance. I still think we'd work, I'm sure I always will. Which really doesn't matter because he's too stubborn and decided that his mind will apparently never change. No one knows though, no one knows anything. It took us a year to finally accept liking each other. I don't know if he's scared or mad at me for not doing certain things in our relationship. I dont know anything. I just hate this!!!!! I've never felt this weak or this hopeless. I never saw this I guess. I never saw him walking away. I totally took things for granted and it kills me that I didn't get a chance to make things right? Or just act how I felt.. I know its over, he's stressed that enough, but I that doesnt mean i have to want it too. I can't think of any other guy over the past two years who has gotten that effort or feeling from me. I don't want anything else and I don't want these feelings to stick around. I think I'm just stuck on questioning him because I don't understand. If i don't have all the answers then I dont know that there are answers. Like I need to believe that there was a reason, not just an unthought decision that he'll end up regretting. He won't i'm sure cause of that whole stubborn thing he does.. regardless that he wasn't selfish or stubborn at all when we were dating.. Maybe I just ruined the Kai who loved me, i dont frickin know. Its just a whole new game when he decides we're done, I hate it. I just really hope this has nothing to do with being scared. So i just get to wait until I forget, when I don't remember this or think about it. Mmmmm I also quit drinking. Like I don't know how I feel about it, it feels really wrong right now. I don't wanna run from feeling like crap, like I totally do, but I'm better than that I'm sure.... ha I just need to be done with it. I should have probably two months ago. Hm, i used to be way better at describing how I feel.

So I don't wanna feel alone, or like I spent 5 months not doing the things I should have, or that i'm weak. I hate feeling like I let someone in and I let them get to me. I hate feeling like I have no fucking idea how to make this go away, or no idea how to get past it. I should be stronger than this. I don't know how I became like this. Love, sucks.

Other than that, I've been talking to Kainoa and am excited to hangout with him and get to know him more! I want Richie to come back. Jenna is amazing with our Grey's parties, i'm happy her and Nathan got back together. Tasha's pretty clever making her own gauges..such a cute little friend.

I'm also forming like this love/hate relationship with music. It makes me cry a lot, and think a lot, and smile a lot. I think I miss it.. and for school, i have no idea what I'm doing. This extreme math test i'm taking will figure that out I guess. AH. It really felt good to write this.