Just a Girl Learning About Death
This is my journal. A place for me to mourn, to explore my emotions, to vent, to cry, to be honest. I write this for myself, no one else. If you wish to read it, please do, but know that this is my space. I simply like typing and it's faster than hand writing. It's also easier to organize. If you choose to comment, please don't be hurt if I don't respond. When I am open to talking about it, I will comment, but I'm more than likely writing because I don't want to talk about it. This is easier. Things I write in here are not to cause worry. Sometimes I get very emotional; it doesn't mean I'll hurt myself. I just need to get it out. I have a wonderful support system, but again, sometimes I don't want to talk. I just want to release. I call on my support system when I need to, and we check in often.
If you've chosen to read my posts, thank you. I hope you'll find it useful or comforting in some way. This is not a club I wish for anyone to be part of. But admission is not voluntary. So if you're in the "Death of a Parent" club, or more specifically the "Daddy Gone to Heaven" club, I'm sorry for your loss. I wish you positive energy and stronger, happier days. They'll come, eventually. This hurt doesn't go away though. There is no specific grief period. It's almost 2 years later for me and I think the reality is just now setting in. It's hurt all along, but lately, it's different. I just miss him so damn much. I think things are coming up now, more often anyway, that I want to tell my dad about, or call him about and the recognition that I can't, haven't been able to, and won't be able to is really settled in now. I have a friend that still cries almost a decade later, others that tell me they still miss their Dad's decades later. It brings me peace. As long as I'm grieving I'm connected.
Sometimes it seems like people expect grief to end after a certain length of time, depending on the relationship you have with the deceased. I did. Not anymore though. It makes it harder to talk as openly to people you're not as close with though. Because you recognize that they may think "this person needs help. It's been x years and he/she still isn't over it. He/she is still crying...". Now I understand that grief comes in waves. There's a saying that grief comes in waves. At first, the waves are gigantic and continuous. As time passes, they start to come at a slower pace. Now there are breaks between waves where you can breathe. Then, after even more time, there are small waves, there are big waves, and sometimes there will be a gigantic wave. They come unexpectedly and never at the same time/after the same amount of time passes. It's not like, "it's been 43 days...Gigantic wave crashes tomorrow so I better buy tissues today." It's more like "shoot, I gotta grab milk" and on your way up the aisle you see someone who parts their hair the way your loved one did and crash, Gigantic wave is upon you. Right there, in the middle of aisle 13 at the supermarket. So I don't assume anyone should be over their grief by my timeline. There isn't one. These "death" clubs are not one I wish for anyone to be part of. I offer my deepest sympathies and just hope those I know, know that I'm here day or night, to listen, make them laugh, or just sit with them no matter who it was they lost or how long it's been.
Writing these is emotionally exhausting. I'm sure there will be times when I ramble and times when I keep it short. Like this entry.
Daddy, I love you so, so much. My love for you is never ending, and it will never diminish. I think of you all day, every day. I smile at your pictures and blow you a kiss. Every odd sound or unexplainable thing I hope is you. I miss you. I wish so badly I could call you. I wish so much to feel your hugs. I can still remember the way my head felt on your chest. I miss you every single day, but if you're here with me, I am grateful and don't want you to worry. Just know I love you and I'm okay.
Sincerely,
SleepieHollo
If you've chosen to read my posts, thank you. I hope you'll find it useful or comforting in some way. This is not a club I wish for anyone to be part of. But admission is not voluntary. So if you're in the "Death of a Parent" club, or more specifically the "Daddy Gone to Heaven" club, I'm sorry for your loss. I wish you positive energy and stronger, happier days. They'll come, eventually. This hurt doesn't go away though. There is no specific grief period. It's almost 2 years later for me and I think the reality is just now setting in. It's hurt all along, but lately, it's different. I just miss him so damn much. I think things are coming up now, more often anyway, that I want to tell my dad about, or call him about and the recognition that I can't, haven't been able to, and won't be able to is really settled in now. I have a friend that still cries almost a decade later, others that tell me they still miss their Dad's decades later. It brings me peace. As long as I'm grieving I'm connected.
Sometimes it seems like people expect grief to end after a certain length of time, depending on the relationship you have with the deceased. I did. Not anymore though. It makes it harder to talk as openly to people you're not as close with though. Because you recognize that they may think "this person needs help. It's been x years and he/she still isn't over it. He/she is still crying...". Now I understand that grief comes in waves. There's a saying that grief comes in waves. At first, the waves are gigantic and continuous. As time passes, they start to come at a slower pace. Now there are breaks between waves where you can breathe. Then, after even more time, there are small waves, there are big waves, and sometimes there will be a gigantic wave. They come unexpectedly and never at the same time/after the same amount of time passes. It's not like, "it's been 43 days...Gigantic wave crashes tomorrow so I better buy tissues today." It's more like "shoot, I gotta grab milk" and on your way up the aisle you see someone who parts their hair the way your loved one did and crash, Gigantic wave is upon you. Right there, in the middle of aisle 13 at the supermarket. So I don't assume anyone should be over their grief by my timeline. There isn't one. These "death" clubs are not one I wish for anyone to be part of. I offer my deepest sympathies and just hope those I know, know that I'm here day or night, to listen, make them laugh, or just sit with them no matter who it was they lost or how long it's been.
Writing these is emotionally exhausting. I'm sure there will be times when I ramble and times when I keep it short. Like this entry.
Daddy, I love you so, so much. My love for you is never ending, and it will never diminish. I think of you all day, every day. I smile at your pictures and blow you a kiss. Every odd sound or unexplainable thing I hope is you. I miss you. I wish so badly I could call you. I wish so much to feel your hugs. I can still remember the way my head felt on your chest. I miss you every single day, but if you're here with me, I am grateful and don't want you to worry. Just know I love you and I'm okay.
Sincerely,
SleepieHollo