father(less) day.
I hate them. All of those commercials on TV for Father's Day urging people to "show Dad just how much he means to you." I wish there was a button to filter out those commercials, because not only do they remind me that I don't have a father anymore and also it makes me feel like I never had a chance to really show or express to my Dad how much he
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With a little more time under my belt, I've come to believe that my Dad would want me to continue on with my life and live a good life. I have to believe that he knows how much he meant to me, how much I loved him even if I wish I had spent more time with him. It still sneaks up on me, like when I wish I could share with him the things I've accomplished since then.
Anniversaries, birthdays and stupid father's day are still hard. I do the best I can, sometimes that means going away from people but always treating me the best I can. I know it's a vulnerable time for me. I still go to the crash site every year. I light a candle and leave it there, some how I want it to be known I was there. I leave my mark. I cry and for his birthday this year, I bought some cheese that I knew he liked and thought of him. It's the little things that might not make sense to others but I do it for me, in honor of him.
I hope you can find some joy again in life. Please be gentle with yourself regarding all the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" crap we beat ourselves up with. As a mother and a daughter, I know that we don't always show it but I think parents are just overjoyed knowing their children, I know that my Dad loved me and he had to know that I loved him...even when I wished I let him know more. My son is amazing and I know he's living his life as he should and I certainly cherish the times when he comes back and shares himself with me too.
You are not alone during your grief, there are others out here grieving our loss too. I hope you can get through these tough times ok.
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