it's a beautiful thing
Lately I have been in the kind of outlook where it seems like I’m watching from a place farther off or I’m watching my life on TV. I read a senior quote in the yearbook today that says "life has no pause button so live it to the fullest" and I began to realize how true that really is. It's really quite an understatement. People don't realize how much they have and they don't realize how much they take for granted. I know I’m one of these people. I think everything sucks but in reality nothing does. I have had some time to contemplate my life and it really makes me so much happier. I have a beautiful mother and my father always wants to make people happy. My little brothers can be a pain but like a wise man once told me, that's their job. I know I acted like them when I was younger so getting mad at them would only make me hypocritical. I have never had any problems with my older brother except the fact that he has a lot more freedom than I do. But he has proven he can be trusted and my parents trust him to make the right decisions. I haven't proven anything except that I live for the moment and don’t think about the consequences. But really I do. And now I wish I could go back and redo things because not being able to be trusted is the worst feeling in the world. I think I’m a good person but that's just my opinion, if you think differently then you can share that with me and I won't be mad. I have never done drugs nor have I gotten into anything like that. I know better and I don't understand why people would do that, but it's their decision and I respect that.
It helps that I have friends who support the way I think. For example, Louis and Lindsi are the only people I have ever met who think the way I do. They are the definition of true friends. Throughout the last 2 years of my life I’ve learned so much about myself from talking to Louis, before I met him I was somewhat of a recluse. Ya know how people get to a point in their life where they think they have no friends and nothing to live for? Well I never have to feel that way because I know he will always be there. At the moment he’s the best friend I have and I hope that never changes. It scares me to think that I’m in 11th grade now and a lot of my friends including him are going to be graduating this year. They say people lose touch after high school and people lose friends that way. I am more the kind of person that tries really hard to hold on to things and not be able to let go. So I know I wont be able handle all of my friends going in different directions. Like I wrote in a previous entry, he means a lot to me and not being talking to him will kill me. He’s one of those people you have so much respect for and are always ready to stand behind whatever they do. If he told me he was going to go to a damn clown college I would support him 100% if that’s really what he wanted to do. The point of putting this in here is to remind myself how lucky I am. Everybody needs somebody to believe in. it makes me think that I wish I could be like him. I wonder what it’s like to be loved by everyone. I don’t know, maybe he doesn’t know what he means to people. But I strongly hope does. I wrote an entry a while back and it reads as follows:
"I don't want clever conversation,
Never want to work that hard,
I just want someone that I can talk to,
I want you just the way you are
I need to know that you will always be,
The same old someone that I knew.
Ah, what will it take till you believe in me,
The way that I believe in you?"
I have this friend, he means more to me than you could imagine. He is the best friend I have, not my best friend, but he’s the best friend I’ve got. He’s the only person I really trust and there are things that I’ve told him that I have never told anybody else in my life. Just the fact that I know that he’s always there helps me more than anybody could ever know, but he doesn’t know how much he’s helped me. And it bothers me to know that he’s made such an impact on me and I don’t think that I’ve been as good of a friend to him as he has been to me. It sucks to know that he has made my life so much easier, and I’ve never helped him a single time. This one person I would do anything for and I feel very lucky that I got the privilege to get to know him. He seems like the best friend a person could have and I don't think that i deserve to have that, but somehow I do and I've been throwing it all away recently. (Lately I have been a really bad friend and I'm sorry for that, I never wanted things to get this bad and I apologize if you think I have some sort of a problem with you. this has been bothering me alot lately and i just thought you should know. Notice that I didn't leave a name of who all of this is for but if it's for you then you should be able to figure it out.)It seems like really weird timing to put all of this in here and out of place but I have felt terrible and i just need him to know, I'm afraid things will get too bad and he'll never know the truth. I met him on accident and now he is one of my best friends, I’m so glad that he is, but I could never leave even half the impression on him as he has left on me. It makes me sad.............
Lindsi is another that I’m grateful for having as a friend. She always knows how to make people laugh even if they’re stubborn and try hard not to laugh. She always knows exactly what people go through and knows how to comfort him. Often times people will say stuff about her because they never got the opportunity to get to know her the way I did and that makes me sad. People are missing out on a really great friend. She is the one I will miss the most if we go to separate colleges. Life without Lindsi just plain sucks. She’s one of the ones I know I’ll never lose as a friend wherever we are. Which brings me to Jamie. We started out hating each other in 9th grade then became inseparable friends. We both started to develop separate lives and drifted away. I can tell we are heading in completely separate directions but it’s a good thing. We are both happy and we still talk. Im developing a new respect for the decisions she makes because I know she does the things she does to make her happy. She’s just like a sister to me and in a sense she really is. I always wanted a sister and she was the closest I’ll ever have to one, I never realized that what I wanted all my life was right in front of me. I met Mallory through Jamie too and for that I’m also grateful.
Very recently I have been talking to somebody very special. He goes by the name of Stan. I dunno how to explain how I feel about this so let me tell you a story:
“So there is this boy named Stan most of you probably know him or else you wouldn’t be reading this. “That is a nice looking boy” you might say. Well once every year the school he attends holds an event called ESM day. Now they lead the kids on to believe that this is a day of amusement with a plethora of fun filled activities. However, most kids don’t think bocce ball or karaoke is a great example of a good time. And then there are the cool ones who decide that their day shouldn’t be ruined by a building full of idiots running around flaunting their school spirit. Now this is where Stan comes in. I wandered into the school auditorium shortly before lunch time with a few good buddies of mine. Now when I went into the auditorium I intended on listening to my good friend Paul Wood play some music on his guitar. I sat down with Amanda and listened for a few minutes until something caught my eye. There was a kid sitting in from of me, now my first impulse was to smack him in the backside of the head but I decided that would be mean, see, I never actually intended on smacking him but the thought crossed my mind. Instead I continued to stare at the back of his head. I occasionally drooled on myself as well as all over the girl next to me. No, don’t worry, I’m just joking. Back to the story, I had seen Stan around school before and I always thought to myself “that there looks like a nice boy.” My intrigue began about the middle of 9th grade while flipping through a yearbook, “that’s a cute kid” I said to my friend at the time. The look she gave me was one of repulsion as if she didn’t approve. But I didn’t care; she had bad taste in guys, for the love of God she went out with Tim. Enough said. Well, 10th grade came and went by rather quickly and my fascination with him began to deteriorate. Although some of my friends thought it was necessary to let him know about my fondness of him. I won’t mention any names (Vanja) You can probably imagine my delight when a pal of mine gave me his screen name. I was rather pleased in fact. So I began talking to him and I started to develop an attachment fairly quickly. He keeps me awake until the wee hours of the morning but i don't mind, it's worth it. So now I have known him for a little over a month, maybe coming up on 2 and the only thing I really have left to wonder about anymore is when the hell are we going to see that movie...”
this may look familiar.
All I will ever need are my friends because without them then life just isn’t enjoyable. I’d rather be poor with a lot of close friends than wealthy with none.
It helps that I have friends who support the way I think. For example, Louis and Lindsi are the only people I have ever met who think the way I do. They are the definition of true friends. Throughout the last 2 years of my life I’ve learned so much about myself from talking to Louis, before I met him I was somewhat of a recluse. Ya know how people get to a point in their life where they think they have no friends and nothing to live for? Well I never have to feel that way because I know he will always be there. At the moment he’s the best friend I have and I hope that never changes. It scares me to think that I’m in 11th grade now and a lot of my friends including him are going to be graduating this year. They say people lose touch after high school and people lose friends that way. I am more the kind of person that tries really hard to hold on to things and not be able to let go. So I know I wont be able handle all of my friends going in different directions. Like I wrote in a previous entry, he means a lot to me and not being talking to him will kill me. He’s one of those people you have so much respect for and are always ready to stand behind whatever they do. If he told me he was going to go to a damn clown college I would support him 100% if that’s really what he wanted to do. The point of putting this in here is to remind myself how lucky I am. Everybody needs somebody to believe in. it makes me think that I wish I could be like him. I wonder what it’s like to be loved by everyone. I don’t know, maybe he doesn’t know what he means to people. But I strongly hope does. I wrote an entry a while back and it reads as follows:
"I don't want clever conversation,
Never want to work that hard,
I just want someone that I can talk to,
I want you just the way you are
I need to know that you will always be,
The same old someone that I knew.
Ah, what will it take till you believe in me,
The way that I believe in you?"
I have this friend, he means more to me than you could imagine. He is the best friend I have, not my best friend, but he’s the best friend I’ve got. He’s the only person I really trust and there are things that I’ve told him that I have never told anybody else in my life. Just the fact that I know that he’s always there helps me more than anybody could ever know, but he doesn’t know how much he’s helped me. And it bothers me to know that he’s made such an impact on me and I don’t think that I’ve been as good of a friend to him as he has been to me. It sucks to know that he has made my life so much easier, and I’ve never helped him a single time. This one person I would do anything for and I feel very lucky that I got the privilege to get to know him. He seems like the best friend a person could have and I don't think that i deserve to have that, but somehow I do and I've been throwing it all away recently. (Lately I have been a really bad friend and I'm sorry for that, I never wanted things to get this bad and I apologize if you think I have some sort of a problem with you. this has been bothering me alot lately and i just thought you should know. Notice that I didn't leave a name of who all of this is for but if it's for you then you should be able to figure it out.)It seems like really weird timing to put all of this in here and out of place but I have felt terrible and i just need him to know, I'm afraid things will get too bad and he'll never know the truth. I met him on accident and now he is one of my best friends, I’m so glad that he is, but I could never leave even half the impression on him as he has left on me. It makes me sad.............
Lindsi is another that I’m grateful for having as a friend. She always knows how to make people laugh even if they’re stubborn and try hard not to laugh. She always knows exactly what people go through and knows how to comfort him. Often times people will say stuff about her because they never got the opportunity to get to know her the way I did and that makes me sad. People are missing out on a really great friend. She is the one I will miss the most if we go to separate colleges. Life without Lindsi just plain sucks. She’s one of the ones I know I’ll never lose as a friend wherever we are. Which brings me to Jamie. We started out hating each other in 9th grade then became inseparable friends. We both started to develop separate lives and drifted away. I can tell we are heading in completely separate directions but it’s a good thing. We are both happy and we still talk. Im developing a new respect for the decisions she makes because I know she does the things she does to make her happy. She’s just like a sister to me and in a sense she really is. I always wanted a sister and she was the closest I’ll ever have to one, I never realized that what I wanted all my life was right in front of me. I met Mallory through Jamie too and for that I’m also grateful.
Very recently I have been talking to somebody very special. He goes by the name of Stan. I dunno how to explain how I feel about this so let me tell you a story:
“So there is this boy named Stan most of you probably know him or else you wouldn’t be reading this. “That is a nice looking boy” you might say. Well once every year the school he attends holds an event called ESM day. Now they lead the kids on to believe that this is a day of amusement with a plethora of fun filled activities. However, most kids don’t think bocce ball or karaoke is a great example of a good time. And then there are the cool ones who decide that their day shouldn’t be ruined by a building full of idiots running around flaunting their school spirit. Now this is where Stan comes in. I wandered into the school auditorium shortly before lunch time with a few good buddies of mine. Now when I went into the auditorium I intended on listening to my good friend Paul Wood play some music on his guitar. I sat down with Amanda and listened for a few minutes until something caught my eye. There was a kid sitting in from of me, now my first impulse was to smack him in the backside of the head but I decided that would be mean, see, I never actually intended on smacking him but the thought crossed my mind. Instead I continued to stare at the back of his head. I occasionally drooled on myself as well as all over the girl next to me. No, don’t worry, I’m just joking. Back to the story, I had seen Stan around school before and I always thought to myself “that there looks like a nice boy.” My intrigue began about the middle of 9th grade while flipping through a yearbook, “that’s a cute kid” I said to my friend at the time. The look she gave me was one of repulsion as if she didn’t approve. But I didn’t care; she had bad taste in guys, for the love of God she went out with Tim. Enough said. Well, 10th grade came and went by rather quickly and my fascination with him began to deteriorate. Although some of my friends thought it was necessary to let him know about my fondness of him. I won’t mention any names (Vanja) You can probably imagine my delight when a pal of mine gave me his screen name. I was rather pleased in fact. So I began talking to him and I started to develop an attachment fairly quickly. He keeps me awake until the wee hours of the morning but i don't mind, it's worth it. So now I have known him for a little over a month, maybe coming up on 2 and the only thing I really have left to wonder about anymore is when the hell are we going to see that movie...”
this may look familiar.
All I will ever need are my friends because without them then life just isn’t enjoyable. I’d rather be poor with a lot of close friends than wealthy with none.