(no subject)
HOORAY, there is no greater excuse for updating my long-dormant journal ♥
according to both science and my mother, i'm going to be 24 this coming friday.
at first i met said news with the requisite angst; i don't dig the idea of getting older. i'm not happy that my career plans are basically non-starter at this point since i got distracted by all that "oh shit, i have to lead a real life" stuff, and when i permit myself, i get sad that my most recent potential relationship was derailed by a move to beijing. i'm not in the town that i want to be in (at least for now), i make less money than i would like, and i still get hung up in my family drama.
but i did realize this evening that, though there's a lot i have to do to change my circumstances, i am fairly content with entering this new ~mid-twenties phase of life. i think 24 is going to be a good year ... perhaps misguidedly. and tomorrow i can blame alcohol, good food and today's mood to listen to bounce-fest music. but today, i started to piece together how nice it is to begin to feel settled with who i am in a way that i certainly didn't when i was in high school, or a college freshman, or that moment when i graduated and all i wanted for an entire year was to be back in school.
i won't pretend that i am immune to constant insecurity and the deceptive sway of depression. every time i get into a rhythm of shit that makes me feel good (working out most days, on my meds, etc), i have a nasty habit of abandoning those elements since "i'm fine." i don't dare think that i am above or beyond pulling that same shit again since it's happened so many times before. but i think - in this middle-phase where i am right now - i can also see that i am growing in a way that, while criticism and the usual bullshit from the inside still hurts, the stuff from the outside does less. i'm not tripped up by external voices so much. and though while it sounds small, it feels big.
i don't mind attributing the positives to 24. and when it gets here at the end of the week, i'll keep chalking the good stuff to that number. better that than getting hung up on my one gray blonde hair.
according to both science and my mother, i'm going to be 24 this coming friday.
at first i met said news with the requisite angst; i don't dig the idea of getting older. i'm not happy that my career plans are basically non-starter at this point since i got distracted by all that "oh shit, i have to lead a real life" stuff, and when i permit myself, i get sad that my most recent potential relationship was derailed by a move to beijing. i'm not in the town that i want to be in (at least for now), i make less money than i would like, and i still get hung up in my family drama.
but i did realize this evening that, though there's a lot i have to do to change my circumstances, i am fairly content with entering this new ~mid-twenties phase of life. i think 24 is going to be a good year ... perhaps misguidedly. and tomorrow i can blame alcohol, good food and today's mood to listen to bounce-fest music. but today, i started to piece together how nice it is to begin to feel settled with who i am in a way that i certainly didn't when i was in high school, or a college freshman, or that moment when i graduated and all i wanted for an entire year was to be back in school.
i won't pretend that i am immune to constant insecurity and the deceptive sway of depression. every time i get into a rhythm of shit that makes me feel good (working out most days, on my meds, etc), i have a nasty habit of abandoning those elements since "i'm fine." i don't dare think that i am above or beyond pulling that same shit again since it's happened so many times before. but i think - in this middle-phase where i am right now - i can also see that i am growing in a way that, while criticism and the usual bullshit from the inside still hurts, the stuff from the outside does less. i'm not tripped up by external voices so much. and though while it sounds small, it feels big.
i don't mind attributing the positives to 24. and when it gets here at the end of the week, i'll keep chalking the good stuff to that number. better that than getting hung up on my one gray blonde hair.