A House Doesn't Make a Home
I'm in my house right now for Spring Break. Sounds warm and relaxing, eh? Maybe I've created my own mess, but I'd have to say that it's cold and stressful... Want me to explain? In order to best remove all translucent coatings to my journal that protect me from a humiliated regret I often experience upon looking back on entries, I must be as I am "IRL" (as the internet folk say, in real life)-
The past few months, while some of the hardest of my life, have been exhilerating. I've been challenged by classes more than ever before- classes that motivate me to work my hardest regardless of the miserable frustration that can result. I mean this in a way not undermining the hardships endured by slaves, but now I know what God meant when He told slaves to obey their masters. I really must strive to do all that is in my path for God, merely to show Him my appreciation for His sacrifice and my gratefulness for the gift of my own life. Speaking of which, I've been challenged by God more than ever before- He's pushed me to make some choices (and to give up some strongholds) that will ultimately benefit me if I am patient and looking towards Him. I've been challenged by friends who have the courage to tell me when I've screwed up and the patience to wait while I scramble helplessly to redeem myself only to remember that (shocker) I'm human and I make mistakes. And I've been challenged with a blessing in a relationship that I must strive to protect.
In the past few months, I've studied hard in subjects I loathe merely to satisfy my parents and to keep open a glimmer of hope that I might maintain my high-class status, gifting my children with unnecessary commodities like pools and European vacations, and myself with Persian carpets and a 3.1412...million house. And I must say, what a phenomenally miserable feeling when I'm told that I'm being unfair to my unborn children by following a path outside my parents' will... when I take in the realization that I might never be the rich kid again (neither rich nor kid). "What a snot!"- But if you were rich your whole life, you must admit that you might have no idea what it's like to have any less than you do today. And so I must take a leap of faith, outside the teachings of my parents. Hey, maybe $80,000/year won't be "poverty". (Of course it won't. Isn't it odd that parents can make us delusional? Maybe it's just me...) The point here is that I am not going to be a doctor. There is nothing wrong with using that which with I am gifted to serve humanity in a way that will make me feel like I changed the world in the way I wanted when I die. On that note, I think I'll stick with my Psych major, maybe add an English and/or Sociology minor, and try to get into MSASS, Case's grad school specializing in social work. I was recently immensely touched by my Child Psych professor's story of a little boy who unwittingly shared with her that he was abused with a rake, only to be punished by his mother for "tattling"- the family never returned to therapy, and the case was taken under social services. I'm thinking a lot about social work with families and child abuse, or with mental health. We'll see. It's a refreshing feeling to look at options for your future and experience an intense and addicting excitement. You can criticize me when and if I'm poor and asking for money from my old friends, but for now, I see nothing wrong with choosing how to live my life and being open to deal with the consequences, the loans, the regret. After all, I was always under the impression that life is about love, not about money.
On a happier note, each day I can feel myself being guided by something larger than myself. I have a faith that tells me that it's not about what I've done, but about what I believe. After all, if it was about what I've done, well, I think I'd be in big trouble and hellbound by the age of 13. At the same time, I have a faith that allows me to strive to be a better person solely to return the love that God has shown me. Sounds fair to me, and probably wrong to you. But at least I'm here, stating my ultimate purpose and willing to take heat for it.
As for a final happy note, I'm in love. I know I've said that before, but ... we can all say it in unison... this is different. I'm at a loss for words at the moment because I can find no comparison for the way I feel. To adore the good, to embrace the quirky, and to work together to change the bad. To protect the trust, to trust in the hope, to hope in the perseverence, and to persevere in the protection. To be content and calm in the possibility of a lifetime of adventures, embraces, fights, and fits of laughter. This is love. He's everything I never knew I always wanted. And that, my friends, is what has honestly been up.
The past few months, while some of the hardest of my life, have been exhilerating. I've been challenged by classes more than ever before- classes that motivate me to work my hardest regardless of the miserable frustration that can result. I mean this in a way not undermining the hardships endured by slaves, but now I know what God meant when He told slaves to obey their masters. I really must strive to do all that is in my path for God, merely to show Him my appreciation for His sacrifice and my gratefulness for the gift of my own life. Speaking of which, I've been challenged by God more than ever before- He's pushed me to make some choices (and to give up some strongholds) that will ultimately benefit me if I am patient and looking towards Him. I've been challenged by friends who have the courage to tell me when I've screwed up and the patience to wait while I scramble helplessly to redeem myself only to remember that (shocker) I'm human and I make mistakes. And I've been challenged with a blessing in a relationship that I must strive to protect.
In the past few months, I've studied hard in subjects I loathe merely to satisfy my parents and to keep open a glimmer of hope that I might maintain my high-class status, gifting my children with unnecessary commodities like pools and European vacations, and myself with Persian carpets and a 3.1412...million house. And I must say, what a phenomenally miserable feeling when I'm told that I'm being unfair to my unborn children by following a path outside my parents' will... when I take in the realization that I might never be the rich kid again (neither rich nor kid). "What a snot!"- But if you were rich your whole life, you must admit that you might have no idea what it's like to have any less than you do today. And so I must take a leap of faith, outside the teachings of my parents. Hey, maybe $80,000/year won't be "poverty". (Of course it won't. Isn't it odd that parents can make us delusional? Maybe it's just me...) The point here is that I am not going to be a doctor. There is nothing wrong with using that which with I am gifted to serve humanity in a way that will make me feel like I changed the world in the way I wanted when I die. On that note, I think I'll stick with my Psych major, maybe add an English and/or Sociology minor, and try to get into MSASS, Case's grad school specializing in social work. I was recently immensely touched by my Child Psych professor's story of a little boy who unwittingly shared with her that he was abused with a rake, only to be punished by his mother for "tattling"- the family never returned to therapy, and the case was taken under social services. I'm thinking a lot about social work with families and child abuse, or with mental health. We'll see. It's a refreshing feeling to look at options for your future and experience an intense and addicting excitement. You can criticize me when and if I'm poor and asking for money from my old friends, but for now, I see nothing wrong with choosing how to live my life and being open to deal with the consequences, the loans, the regret. After all, I was always under the impression that life is about love, not about money.
On a happier note, each day I can feel myself being guided by something larger than myself. I have a faith that tells me that it's not about what I've done, but about what I believe. After all, if it was about what I've done, well, I think I'd be in big trouble and hellbound by the age of 13. At the same time, I have a faith that allows me to strive to be a better person solely to return the love that God has shown me. Sounds fair to me, and probably wrong to you. But at least I'm here, stating my ultimate purpose and willing to take heat for it.
As for a final happy note, I'm in love. I know I've said that before, but ... we can all say it in unison... this is different. I'm at a loss for words at the moment because I can find no comparison for the way I feel. To adore the good, to embrace the quirky, and to work together to change the bad. To protect the trust, to trust in the hope, to hope in the perseverence, and to persevere in the protection. To be content and calm in the possibility of a lifetime of adventures, embraces, fights, and fits of laughter. This is love. He's everything I never knew I always wanted. And that, my friends, is what has honestly been up.