conflicted.

[imgrowingyoung]

Ive been talking to Justin, you know the one guy who ever really managed to get under my skin and scratch away at me. It took me a long long time to get over him. But i finally did. We hooked up. It was good. But it didnt really mean anything to me. And then he told me he loved me. And i couldnt say it, but i realised i do love him back. I just couldnt say it. wound up texting it to him. i dont want to be with him. i cant be with him. its hard to explain something in me prevents me from ever letting myself get too attached to him, the part that wont let me say i love you, the part that wants to kick me when im talking to him, the part that screams hes going to hurt you if you let him. He is going to hurt me if i let him. And this cant be happening now, because this girl, this girl i used to really love, is trying to talk to me again. patch up our relationship.

why would he say this to me? where does that get us? Nothing will ever become of us.

i met him standing in line. he was infront of me. and he looked familiar so i tapped him on the sholder and asked him if wed met. No, but we wound up seeing eachother at lunch time.

the thing is trust. i can not trust him. i doubt the things he says to me. im expecting a motive. im expecting him to point his finger and laugh "i knew you still loved me. GOTCHA!"

two years of this. this back and forth i hate you i love you.

i want to explain to him that i love him..but its not the way it was, its not hte way it was before i got to know him.