Into Temptation (4/?)
Standing outside the door to my hotel room I breath a sigh of relief. I’m praying that he’s home, praying that he will be able to wash out this bad taste that has formed in my mouth, praying that he will be able to prove to me that where I am at this moment is where I am supposed to be.
I open the door. His sleeping form lies beneath the covers of our bed. I’m thankful, relieved. I slip out of my clothes as quickly as I can and join him underneath the covers. I can hear the slight rumble of his breathing as he lays lying on his side, his back to me. I run my hand over his chest, shaking him softly so as not to surprise him.
“George? George can you wake up.” There is urgency in my voice that I can’t seem to contain. I need this.
I feel him stir slightly so I shake him again, more forceful this time. He wakes with a start. Rolling over to face me, he looks at me utterly confused beneath sleepy eyes.
“Callie?” he reaches up to his mouth, wiping the dried drool that has formed at the edge of his lips. It’s by no means romantic but in this moment I couldn’t care less.
I slide in closer to him. Wrapping my arms around him, crushing my lips to his with such desperation I am sure that he will be able to tell something’s wrong. He responds but only briefly.
“Callie? What are you doing?” there is amusement in his words as he asks, he pushes me away slightly, searching my eyes for answers.
“I just need you tonight, ok?” I try desperately not to show the pain that is clouding every inch of my body.
He shrugs slightly before returning to the kiss. Its rough, hard, I can feel the stubble from him not shaving for a day scraping against my lips. I need this, I need to feel him.
“Cal, I’m sorry you couldn’t….” He’s rubbing my stomach gently, comfortingly. I lie there on my back staring up at the ceiling fan, spinning around and around. Its almost in exact correlation to what my brain is doing. “Usually your easier….I don’t understand why…”
“Its fine George, I’m just stressed with work.” I know I’m lying again. I know exactly why I couldn’t finish, why I couldn’t jump that hurdle. “Just go back to sleep, we can go to work together in the morning”
He looks at me briefly before reaching forward and kissing me on the forehead and rolling over, within moments I can hear the subtle sound of snoring echoing next to me.
I continue to stare up at the fan, the gentle humming from it feeling like its digging into my mind. George has never been the most skilled of lovers but the love I felt for him was always enough to push me over the edge. Not tonight though. Tonight every time he touched me, pressed against me, all I could think of was her. Blonde curls, blue eyes, dimples. Every time I reached to touch him I felt myself become disappointed by the flatness of his chest, the hardness of his skin, the feel of course hair against my fingertips.
I lay there for the remainder of the night, replaying everything that has happened, fantasising about the things that I wish could happen. Sleep never takes me.
At the hospital I find myself once again in the attending's lounge. I can’t face the harsh realities of the world outside. I can’t see her face. I stare into the coffee that I poured half an hour ago, knowing that its gone cold but not having the strength to pour it out and retrieve a new one.
I hear the scrape of a chair on the floor. It startles me, breaks me from my thoughts. Mark is there, sitting there, staring at me.
“Arizona has been looking for you” he looks concerned, I know from that one statement that he is asking a million questions.
“Has she?” I shrug, I feel like I cant breathe. Why does he have to know me so well? Why is he able to see right through the walls I put up?
“Cal?” He doesn’t even have to ask the question, he knows I know what he’s asking.
“I slept with George last night.” I take a deep breath and take a sip of my cold coffee, its oddly comforting for some reason.
“Well you are married to him, its bound to happen occasionally” there is a smile on his face, I know he’s trying to make me feel better.
“I was thinking about her” Its honest, the most honest thing I have said over the last week. The first time I have said anything about the way I feel about her out loud.
“Oh” he looks down briefly before getting up and coming to sit next to me. He takes the coffee from my hands that are holding on to that mug for dear life. He places it on the coffee table in front of us and takes my hands within his own.
“So what does that mean to you Cal?” he knows now is not the time for dirty jokes or talk of threesomes. I need help, advice, someone to talk to about the words that seem to be replaying over and over in my head.
“She told me last night that she thought I was gay.” I look into his eyes, I’m praying he will know what I need to hear.
“Its just a word Cal.” He’s smiling at me now, he’s eyes are screaming how much he wants to comfort me. “What really matters is how you feel”
“I took vows Mark, I’m married. That’s not something to be taken lightly. I’m not a cheater” I cant look at him anymore, I let go of his hands and reach back to the comfort of my coffee.
“Well then your going to have to figure out what you want to do then.” He reaches forward and lifts my chin, making sure that I hear the next words that leave his lips. “But in my experience, women don’t cheat or don’t think about cheating unless there is something wrong in the relationship they are in”
The day has felt like it has moved so slowly. I have successfully been able to avoid her today, I don’t know how much longer I can do that for. I know that at some point there will have to be a talk, but the idea of it sends shivers down my spine. As I approach the entry to the hospital I feel my heart skip a beat as I see blonde hair in the distance, its slows though when I realise its not her.
Instead my eyes are filled with the image of Izzie Stevens and my husband. They are talking. I still loathe seeing them together. I feel a sickness in my stomach form when I see her reach forward and cup his cheek, he doesn’t push her away, he doesn’t do anything and then they are gone but the image is still burned into my retinas. Marks words from earlier ring in my ears.
I feel like I’m running. I feel like I’m speeding through the exit at warp speed. I’m not though. If I were to run through the halls of this hospital it wouldn’t take long for the rumour mill to start, so I walk as normally as I can. In my mind though every inch of my limbs are on fire.
When the cold air of outside hits my body I feel relief. I look up into the heavens when I hear the sounds of the sky above me open up. What first starts as a gentle cascade of water on my skin soon becomes a torrential downpour. I make no effort to cover myself or protect myself from the onslaught of the weather. As the tears start to form in my eyes I can feel the heat of my own liquids on my face mix with the cold drops that fall from the sky.
I feel like I’m falling. I have no idea who or what I am anymore. I feel the press of skin against my back. I know its her.
“Calliope, are you ok?” I look up into her blue eyes. For a moment I feel relief before the emotions she brings out in me flood through my system.
I shake my head. She looks at me with such concern in her eyes that I feel like all I want to do is crawl into her arms forever.
“C’mon, I’ll take you home.” She’s holding me up now, her arms wrapped around my torso.
“I cant, I cant go home. I can’t go there” I speak honestly. The idea of going back to the room that has become George and mines feels like a place of torture.
“Ok, you can come back to my place and dry off.” She cradles me in her arms as we walk the slow torturous journey back to her place.
Her apartment is warm. I can feel it as soon as I enter. It feels safe. She takes me into her bedroom and hands me some sweats so that I can change out of my dripping clothes and leaves me alone there. I stare around at the room, instantly I know this is the last place I should be. Staring at her bed is conjuring images that I can’t think about. I change as quickly as I can before exiting swiftly.
I see her sitting on her lounge, its obvious that she’s worried when she looks up at me. I know I must look horrible, my mascara is probably running down my cheeks and I’m sure my hair looks like a drenched cat. Still I see that glint in her eyes. The glint that I am sure is reserved only for me.
“Callie, are you ok? What’s going on?” her voice is shaking slightly as I come to stand in front of her. I start pacing back and forth. I want to tell her, I want to say everything that has gone through my head in the last two weeks but the words wont form.
She grabs my hand and pulls me down next to her. Cradling my hand between hers. It’s so warm, the heat of her skin on mine is comforting, secure.
“Please Callie, I’m worried about you. Please tell me” she sounds nervous. I can already feel the butterflies from being so close to her form in my stomach. I feel like I’m going to be sick.
“I’m married Arizona” she just nods softly. “I’m married, and I’m finding myself attracted to someone else” I’m staring into her eyes now, I don’t know why but I start to wonder how any eyes could be so blue, so perfect. “Have you ever felt like you were just connected to someone, even though you don’t really know them?”
“I have felt that feeling recently, yes” there’s a slight smile as she talks.
“I can’t get this person out of my head, they are all I think about. But I can’t do it, I cant. I’m married Arizona.” Her eyes drop a little, she swallows hard.
“Well, I’m guessing by the way your playing the pronoun game that you are talking about a she” she’s looking at me quizzically now.
“The pronoun what?” I feel confused, like she’s talking English but not making any sense.
“You know the whole not saying ‘he’ thing. I’m guessing your talking about a female.” She’s starting to rub her thumbs over the top of my hand. It slows my heart, settles my stomach.
“Um, yeah.” I’m focusing on her touch now. Once again the slightest touch from her sends my body into overload. She swallows again, the look in her eyes it obvious that she is trying to compose her thoughts. She moves closer to me, slides across the lounge so that our knees are touching. I can feel the heat radiating from her body.
“I’m sure that she will go away if you want her too, you just have to tell her” she speaks in barely a whisper, obvious hurt on her face as she talks. It feels like its ripping at my insides.
“What if I don’t want her to go away, what if the idea of never seeing her again feels like the worse possible thing that could ever happen to me” her eyes brighten softly, a smile playing on her lips. I lift my spare hand to her cheek and brush it gently with my thumb. “But I’m married, I can’t go against that.”
“So…” she pauses, composing her thoughts again. “I will fight the way I feel” there’s no fantasy anymore. She’s said it, she broke the barrier. Told me how she feels.
“We fight it then, ignore it” I’m saying the words but my body is moving against me. I shift closer to her. I can feel her breath again, it is quite possibly the most electrifying thing I have ever felt in my life.
“We don’t go there, we stop ourselves” her breathing is becoming ragged as our faces move closer to each other. She reaches up and brushes the hair at the side of my cheek with her fingers. I can feel her eyes exploring every facet of my face.
“No touching” I swallow the lump in my throat, my heartbeat racing in a way I have never felt before. I feel my eyes fall to her lips, I can see the glisten of her lip-gloss, the way her tongue darts out and tastes her lips. “No kissing”
“Yep, no kissi…..” My mouth stops her. The gap between us is closed finally. The warmth of her lips against mine, the feel of wetness, the taste of the vanilla of her lip-gloss. It’s soft, gentle, warm and passionate. I have never felt like this. Never felt so complete so whole. My body feels like it has stilled and yet has come apart all at the same time. We are pushing harder against each other. I can feel her hands in my hair, her tongue desperately trying to gain entry to my mouth. Everything is in slow motion. Everything for me has stopped.
When I pull away slowly with the need to breath, I feel her forehead rest against mine. Her eyes darker than usual, her breathing faster. I know I'm smiling, I know that the grin that she’s giving me is entirely mirrored on my face.
It stops though. Suddenly the enormity of what just happened. What I have just done comes crashing down around me. I break away from her with force. I have done the worst possible thing in my mind and I feel like every inch of me is going to hell. I stand up, I can see the formation of tears in her eyes.
“I cant see you anymore Arizona” It hurts me so much to say it but I know it’s the only way. Just being around her is torture.
I leave her. I can her the faint sound of sobs as I walk down the hallway away from her apartment.