"Oh, Stop Acting Hailey!" (and look what they did)
I have been thinking lately about why I box up emotions. I mean, of course there is the fear of rejection, but I feel that my issues with opening up go deeper.
There are so many things that happen to us in our childhood that can affect us for the rest of our life. Sometimes when I was younger, my parents and I would get into arguments. I don’t really recall about what, but sometimes I remember getting really worked up about them. I would cry or be really upset and every time one of my parents would say “oh stop acting”. I never really thought about this too much until recently. This brings up several questions and theories.
First off, I believe that maybe a reason I don’t feel comfortable with my emotions/feelings is because I don’t feel that they are valid. Maybe I do actually over dramatize everything. In the past years, I have always prided myself on not being a drama queen. To my knowledge, I try to be really chill about everything, just so I don’t overact. Maybe I do though? Since I “found myself”, I have not worried so much about how I come off to people. I do, however, care about how I come off to myself. I think everyone sees people and goes “why do they act like that? I hope I don’t do that?”… I read somewhere that what we don’t like about other people is what we are worried about within ourselves. I don’t think I agree with that, but it is a possibility.
Another theory I have conjured is that I have developed my personality around this. I know that I have wanted to be an actress my whole life. Could the fact that my parents fueled this simply by telling me to stop acting? I think that after they said this I probably got more dramatic to cover up the fact that I was insecure with how I was feeling. Acting helps me deal with life when it brings me down. It makes me happy no matter how shitty I feel. It really isn’t something I can live without. Sometimes I worry that maybe I am terrible and will never go anywhere with this whole thing. But, life dreams and ambitions wouldn’t let you down like that… Would they? I might not be the most talented, I would and do work so hard to work what I have. I would put everything else ever in my life to the side just to be successful in the theatre.
The other theory I have is perhaps by my parents telling me to stop acting when I am not on stage may have fueled my theory to life being a play and being a character within it. Sometimes you just have to let out your inner monologue. Where is the line between feeling something real and acting? Should we all have already won Oscars because we are so good at the play of Life?
Wow. I am really strange. The more I write the more I think “what the hell? That isn’t even normal.” I am not even close to normal. How can I possibly have friends, I do/think some really weird shit. But, I suppose that is what makes me Hailey Jones. It makes me realize that I am an individual. I don’t want to be like anyone else you’ve ever met. I want to be remembered in the oddest and fondest ways. It is interesting though it makes me realize how big the world is. Will we ever be able to figure out the meaning to life or do we just need to find the moral of our own personal play before we can explore others? What is the moral of your own personal play?