Reflective Writing and Painkillers... BRILLIANT!
November 4th, 2007 (edited November 9th, 2007)
It has been far too long since I have sat down to write something worthwhile. Maybe it is because I am under the influence of painkillers that I feel the need to do this. I need this though. All this weekend I have been sitting inside wallowing in pain because my poor mouth is swollen. Now I am outside, dizzy, but writing.
Over the past few months, I have been confused. I’ve been sitting around dwelling on old memories that are far from reach. I realized that this whole transition to college was just another part of me growing up, something that I was not quite ready to face. And now here I am without my wisdom teeth feeling wiser than ever.
Back in the day, I never really missed people. These days I do, at least I think I do. I miss Grafton. Sure I miss the people and everything, but I really think I miss the memories more. I feel like I am missing out creating memories with people. Living with my parents seems so far away, I feel like I don’t even know who my mother is anymore. I miss my little brother, he is so much of me, I feel like he’s still right there. I’d give anything to hug him right now. As for my step-dad, I don’t really know about him anymore. He seems disloyal and like he doesn’t care anymore. I don’t know as if he ever really did.
Today, I got my senior year yearbook. Although those memories all feel so close, they couldn’t feel farther away. I looked at the theatre pages (all four of them) and was amazed at how something that had such an impact in my life only fit on four pages. Those pages couldn’t even begin to summarize the memories and lessons I learned from Grafton High School theatre. Those pages just made me further realize how much I need theatre in my life. I want it to consume me, to take over everything that is me.
That yearbook made me think about the changes I have felt over the past year. It made me wonder if being comfortable with yourself is an okay thing. Sometimes I want to completely change everything that makes up me and be something complete different, just to be completely different. Other people are so intriguing. I suppose that’s why I want to be an actress. It is everything I’ve ever wanted. In this past year I felt I’ve had a strong grasp of what I want and who I am. The more people and experiences I endure the stronger this becomes.
I am finally ready to open up though. I’m ready to accept people into my life. I am ready to cuddle and fall in love the right way. I want to find someone special. I know I can do that. I know that I will. I’m not sure how long it will take for me to find the right connection, but when I do, it is going to be genuine. I am not going to dwell on things that aren’t there. I’m not going to look for things either. Let them happen as they may, like they would in a play. That’s just how things work. It’s pretty fabulous. I like the world and I am excited to see where my life goes in it.
On another paragraph, I need to start writing poems again. I miss stating my beliefs in a form that means something to me. I seem to be missing that these days. It’s been months since I’ve actually been able to share my work. I’ve written stuff recently that I haven’t been able to share and that kills me. My poems were my personal monologues that where my time to shine. I am excited to return back to Grafton when I have two weeks to be at the Java Hut. I am thinking that when I get a car I can start my own poetry readings, which is important. I feel a little off balance without poetry readings. I am not a very good writer without the inspiration of other poets and writers. It’s weird, I have to hear other writers, I don’t like just reading their work. It’s not the same. I think it’s important to hear the writer’s voice. It’s like performing.
Goodness, how I miss performing. It’s been over half a year since I did any stage work, and that kind of tears me in half a whole bunch. It’s funny how much better I feel when that is going on. It’s funny how much better I feel when that is going on. It’s what keeps me going essentially. Theatre is my air, and without it I’m just not breathing anything but carbon dioxide. I am really glad the Vagina Monologues let me in. It was about time I was in a show! I am really hoping it doesn’t conflict with the undergraduate show next semester; I am really looking forward to it. The movie I was working out should be coming out soon. I am interested in how that comes out.
Well, that is about it for now. I hope it this makes sense. I tried to edit it when I was a little less drugged. My mind is still kind of everywhere and a half.
It has been far too long since I have sat down to write something worthwhile. Maybe it is because I am under the influence of painkillers that I feel the need to do this. I need this though. All this weekend I have been sitting inside wallowing in pain because my poor mouth is swollen. Now I am outside, dizzy, but writing.
Over the past few months, I have been confused. I’ve been sitting around dwelling on old memories that are far from reach. I realized that this whole transition to college was just another part of me growing up, something that I was not quite ready to face. And now here I am without my wisdom teeth feeling wiser than ever.
Back in the day, I never really missed people. These days I do, at least I think I do. I miss Grafton. Sure I miss the people and everything, but I really think I miss the memories more. I feel like I am missing out creating memories with people. Living with my parents seems so far away, I feel like I don’t even know who my mother is anymore. I miss my little brother, he is so much of me, I feel like he’s still right there. I’d give anything to hug him right now. As for my step-dad, I don’t really know about him anymore. He seems disloyal and like he doesn’t care anymore. I don’t know as if he ever really did.
Today, I got my senior year yearbook. Although those memories all feel so close, they couldn’t feel farther away. I looked at the theatre pages (all four of them) and was amazed at how something that had such an impact in my life only fit on four pages. Those pages couldn’t even begin to summarize the memories and lessons I learned from Grafton High School theatre. Those pages just made me further realize how much I need theatre in my life. I want it to consume me, to take over everything that is me.
That yearbook made me think about the changes I have felt over the past year. It made me wonder if being comfortable with yourself is an okay thing. Sometimes I want to completely change everything that makes up me and be something complete different, just to be completely different. Other people are so intriguing. I suppose that’s why I want to be an actress. It is everything I’ve ever wanted. In this past year I felt I’ve had a strong grasp of what I want and who I am. The more people and experiences I endure the stronger this becomes.
I am finally ready to open up though. I’m ready to accept people into my life. I am ready to cuddle and fall in love the right way. I want to find someone special. I know I can do that. I know that I will. I’m not sure how long it will take for me to find the right connection, but when I do, it is going to be genuine. I am not going to dwell on things that aren’t there. I’m not going to look for things either. Let them happen as they may, like they would in a play. That’s just how things work. It’s pretty fabulous. I like the world and I am excited to see where my life goes in it.
On another paragraph, I need to start writing poems again. I miss stating my beliefs in a form that means something to me. I seem to be missing that these days. It’s been months since I’ve actually been able to share my work. I’ve written stuff recently that I haven’t been able to share and that kills me. My poems were my personal monologues that where my time to shine. I am excited to return back to Grafton when I have two weeks to be at the Java Hut. I am thinking that when I get a car I can start my own poetry readings, which is important. I feel a little off balance without poetry readings. I am not a very good writer without the inspiration of other poets and writers. It’s weird, I have to hear other writers, I don’t like just reading their work. It’s not the same. I think it’s important to hear the writer’s voice. It’s like performing.
Goodness, how I miss performing. It’s been over half a year since I did any stage work, and that kind of tears me in half a whole bunch. It’s funny how much better I feel when that is going on. It’s funny how much better I feel when that is going on. It’s what keeps me going essentially. Theatre is my air, and without it I’m just not breathing anything but carbon dioxide. I am really glad the Vagina Monologues let me in. It was about time I was in a show! I am really hoping it doesn’t conflict with the undergraduate show next semester; I am really looking forward to it. The movie I was working out should be coming out soon. I am interested in how that comes out.
Well, that is about it for now. I hope it this makes sense. I tried to edit it when I was a little less drugged. My mind is still kind of everywhere and a half.