Hold the Future
100 Super Junior Fics Challenge
Participate as: ime_ime_ime
Finished Fics: [01/100]
# 065. Grip, Donghae/Donghae
Title: Hold the Future
Pairing: Donghae X Donghae (literally), Donghae X Hyukjae
Length: One-Shot
Genre: Drama
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3980
Warning: none except for the suicide attempt
Disclaimer: There are impossible things in this world; one of them is if I own the boys.
Summary: Donghae gives up on his life and decides that he has enough of it, but someone, something, helps him to get up, to help him realize how precious his life is.
Beta-ed by: vivalahyuk
Ime's note: dedicated to birthday girl mcts051129 . In attempt to give her proper birthday fic... but i don't know if this good enough or not... tomorrow vivalahyuk have her final test but i made her beta-ed this for me T__T Thank you darling~ And i swear this is not angst and end happily ever after!!!!
.o0o.
Attempting to jump from a 35-storied building and just one step away from death. A fine looking young man took a step forward even actually he hesitated on this decision.
“Donghae…” he heard a voice in his head. A voice that he loved so much, as much as he loved the owner. His body trembled, from the cold winter night and the fear of death. But he ran out of reason to life and he thought death would be the only answer, even he scared. At least he will meet him. “I’m coming to you Hyukjae,” he whispered to the thin air. His gaze fell down to the dark pedestrian, he was thinking about death, and trying to hear the silent night for the last time. He then closed his eyes slowly and took a final step to nothing and waited for his fall. But nothing came. He didn’t fall down, instead he could feel the concrete pavement under his feet. But he didn’t open his eyes, too shock to do so. Slowly voices getting loud to his ears. And with much forced to himself, he bravely opened his eyes that soon became widened because of the scene he saw.
He was standing in the middle of the park. Childs. Parents. Sands. Swings. Blue sky. He took a look around his surrounding. The place felt out of date but somehow familiar. He could smell the salty moist summer wind and looked down to the sands under his feet that covering most of the concrete walk path.
Laughter. He heard a lot of laughter. Laughter that had been lost ever since Hyukjae died.
Where is he? Does he already die? If this heaven, it was too far from what they already said it would be. It just liked an ordinary park in the country side some where in South Korea.
He took a step and started to walk around. He didn’t have a destination yet but he didn’t know what he supposed to do. Didn’t he suppose to be landed on the pedestrian walk back in Seoul? Or maybe he had to search other building to jump off or maybe another method to kill himself? But what was the point of suicidal if he suddenly experienced a magical phenomenon? Well, if you could call this one a magical. Donghae thought he better believe that this was just a dream. A strange one, since the dream seemed normal enough for just a dream. At least he had to find out before he tries another attempts to kill himself once again.
He approached a few mothers who talked to each other in one of the bench.
“Excuse me,” he said softly. But the ladies didn’t show even a single reaction, so he called louder. “Excuse me!” still not reacted.
He tried to get attention from one of them by waving his hand and waited for eyes contact. But it never happened. It looked like they didn’t see him. Or…they couldn’t see him? Donghae shrugged the idea off then decided maybe he had to try to other people.
A pair of highschooler passed by, he tried to greet them, but the result was still the same. He tried to take the attentions of kindergarten kids in the sand box, but no progress. He was getting frustrated then shouted out in the ear of a senior citizen in the bench, and like what he had thought, no reaction.
He felt irritated, not to mention he was wearing winter cloth in the middle of hot summer. Just when he decided to go, he got a glimpse of a pair of mother and son he had known very well. Not just familiar, he knew them and just the sign of them took his breath away. A boy, not older than 5, wad playing soccer with his mother. The look in his eyes made him froze. Oh how he misses it. How he forgets the feeling of…this. He took a step closer and walked around to get a better view of the mother’s face. She seemed as happy as his son. They laughed when the son missed the ball, they laughed when the mother did ridiculous move or even when the son fell down. The more he witnesses the happiness, the more sadness drowned him. He glued his eyes to her. Very aware this was not just a photo that he usually stared. This was the real person. How he’d been missing her so much.
The ball rolled over and approached Donghae. He followed it with his eyes, until it stopped in front of his feet. He looked down and started to cry. Acknowledged that no one would realize him, no one even saw him so he could pity himself for a moment without getting any attention from anybody.
A pair of small feet appeared under his blurry view. The boy came to take away the ball. Or that’s what he thought, because the boy didn’t do anything even when the ball just right in front of him. Curious, Donghae looked up to see the boy was staring at him. He was taken by surprise and looked around to see whom the boy stared at, but when he couldn’t find anybody or anything at all, he put back his attention to the staring boy with questioning look on his face.
“Why are you crying mister?” he asked innocently.
“You can see…me?” Donghae asked, without thinking much at his questions.
“Of course…this is your memories after all,” he said smiling widely, “Our memories if I could say.”
“Who the hell are you?”
“I am you. Your younger version,”
“Why there is a younger version of me? What are you doing here? Where is this?” Donghae started to freak out.
The boy, we could say, young Donghae smile brighter than ever, then said, “Don’t we suppose to question why you are here? Look around! This place is not where you belong.”
He was right. The place was the park he usually visited when he was a boy in his hometown, Mokpo.
“Why am I here?” Donghae finally said.
Young Donghae looked sad then answered, “I don’t know either…I’m sorry… but,” he suddenly brighten up, “why don’t you come to my house? Your house?”
He waited eagerly for his reply, before he answered, unsure, “I guess…”
“Great!” he cut off his older version and ran back to his mother. They talked and walked away. The boy looked back at Donghae and motioned him to follow.
Donghae kept the distant between them, too afraid of memories of her, or since this was his memories after all, Donghae afraid of her. Not because she reminded him of something awful, anguish or sad. Well, that was the problem, because just the sight of her reminded him of happiness, and that’s what made him sad the most. Young Donghae seemed to ignore him and interacted with his, err, their mother cheerfully.
Donghae remembered this day. This was when Mom promised to bring him to summer festival and carnival, this day at night, with father and Donghwa together…but something wasn’t good happened, Donghwa got burnt by his own firework, Mom and Dad was freaking out, and nice outing turn to be a disaster. Donghae laughed at himself, at how years later they could laugh at it as a joke.
Because too much having thoughts, he lost his Mom and the younger version of him. But he remembered the way to his own home like his own back hand. So he just slid his feet to follow his intuitions and not really put any attentions to his surrounding. When he finally reached his old home, he stopped and took a good view of it as long and contended as he could. The more he stared at the worn out building, the more he felt sadness consumed him inside. How he couldn’t manage to get rid of the image of it getting burnt and sent spark to the sky when the ominous bonfire was taking the place where the house once stood and left nothing but sadness and ashes of his house and his families.
Voices sent him back to reality, or memories, exactly. Laughters. Another yet. But he followed it nonetheless. He entered the gate and walked straight to backyard where the voices came.
He was nearly getting teary again when he caught a scene of his father, sewing his fishing-net in the small balcony. The balcony Donghae and his father used to hang around.
He especially loved the sight and took more moment than stared blankly at his house to stare him and observing his activities, that when he realize, he was talking with somebody else. Donghae walked around and to his surprise, he met his other younger version. This time, 10 years older than his other one. He lied on his stomach on the floor while he was drawing. Young Donghae smiled widely at whatever they were talking about. He loved talking to his Dad. Everyday in the evening, after school, Donghae always went to balcony where his father geting prepared to go fishing. They talked about a lot of thing. About Mom. About Donghwa. About what he did today at school. About soccer. About friends. About TV show. About yesterday. About today. About tomorrow. About dreams.
Donghae sat on the rock under ginko tree, facing the two figures that didn’t notice his present. Just watching and treasured all the moment he saw, not really realized that this was already his memories. But maybe, sometimes you need help to remember your own memories. Donghae lost count of how long he’d been sitting there watching and his butt started to get numb, but he didn’t care much. Yellowish ginko leaves kept falling down and Donghae just realized that this time maybe autumn. He looked up and saw a lot of wood plate hung at the branches of the tree, each held the wishes, wishes which he, Dad, and Donghwa wrote down and promised to fulfill.
His dad finished prepared his net and young Donghae got up to his feet and ran down the balcony, fetching the dirty soccer ball near storage and shouting at Donghwa to join him playing soccer at the field. He left first, didn’t wait for his brother. Mom shouted from the kitchen window, telling the younger to back before dinner. Half way to the gate, young Donghae stopped and turned to Donghae who currently paying attention to his dad.
“Hey!” young Donghae shouted to get Donghae’s attention. And he did get his attention. “Want to join?” the younger asked, held up the ball.
Donghae hesitated before answered, “Sure,” and threw his last glare to his Dad and the wishes plates before followed the younger.
He also remembered the path to the field, because he spent most of his childhood by playing soccer. Young Donghae didn’t wait for him and already lost in sight and Donghae didn’t care much and just walking while still thinking about his father and their not fulfilled wishes. When he reached the field, he went straight to Cherry tree and sat down under it. Most of the tree leaves had already turned red and yellow as he stared up to them and got hit by the sun that shined too bright. It was summer again. He turned his attention to the running boys in the field. Two of them he recognized as Donghwa and himself. This time, his younger version of him looked a little bit tanned and older by a few years than the previous version.
This younger version wildly ran here and there with unbelievable shiny expression plastered on his face even when the trace of tiresome could be found. He didn’t seem to care of his panting breaths and sweat that running down his shirt. He was playing around with Donghwa every now and then. At some intense moment, Donghae thought he saw the younger flies while running to other side of field, but of course the thought alone was stupid enough even in his head.
Donghae watched them playing soccer while he was busy thinking about this moment and why he was ‘attending’ this moment again. When he realized a few months from this day was on the worst days of his life, when his house turned to angry ominous bonfire, when he lost all his family members.
Donghae looked up (he didn’t even realize when he looked down) and found himself sat under the tree in some hill. From where he stayed, he could hear waves hitting the riverbank. He was confused because he didn’t remember this place and after a few moments, he decided to explore the new place. Further to the west, he found small path to go down the riverbank, felt a little bit adventurous, he followed the path that happened to lead him to a little bay that had a little cavern at it. That’s, when he could hear a sob. He was pretty sure that the sob came from the cavern so he approached it. What he found was the younger version of him that looked not so different from the previous one, that when he remembered where the place was. He didn’t jump too far from the previous time, just a few weeks, when his school had a trip to this place. The thing that he didn’t really remember was where exactly the place was. But he remembered he was playing hide and seek with his friends and because young blood that running inside him, he ended up hiding too far from where he should be. He lost and scared because of that. Curled in the opening of the cavern and couldn’t go anywhere because of his injured leg. The younger accidentally hurting himself and started to get fever from the infections. He prayed all day to be saved, but who could save him? When you played hide and seek, you will search for the most difficult lace to find. The younger just cried and cried and when he ran out tears to spill, he sobbed.
Donghae stared blankly at the scene, not really intended to help his younger self, because he knew what happened next. A few moments later, they could hear faint voice that calling his name.
“I’m here,” young Donghae let out a desperate hoarse voice.
“Donghae!” the voice getting near.
“HERE!” The younger was trying to shout. A fast pace could be heard running down the path and when the figure entered younger view, he burst out crying again.
“Donghae! God, thank you!” Donghwa shouted and ran to his brother and held him tight, afraid to let go. Soon he found out of his brother condition, and it made him even more worried. He carried his brother on his back and took him out from the nightmare. The younger still sobbed on his brother back. Slowly, they out of Donghae view. Donghae didn’t follow them because he too preoccupied with his own thought. He just realized how he missed his brother and how he felt when his brother found him inside the cavern. That was one of the happiest moments in his life. That was when the younger him realized how much he loved his brother. Tears started filling up Donghae’s eyes and blurred his vision.
“Donghae…” a voice called him. And he looked up to see Hyukjae looking at him. Startled and bewildered. He looked around and found himself in his old room in the college dormitories. There’s a paper that stick to his cheek.
“Don’t sleep when we’re in the middle of doing our homework, Hae!” Hyukjae sounded a little bit irritated.
“Where…?” Donghae trailed off. He confused. Usually he just became ‘watcher’ of his own memories, not experienced it himself. Or did he already comeback to reality?
“Where what?” Hyukjae asked, confused. But soon his expression changed when Donghae expression didn’t.
“You look like an idiot with your mouth open like that!” he laughed wholeheartedly.
Laugh. Laughter. Hyukjae’s laughter.
Donghae faced his soon-to-be-lover friend, swallowed this scene as much as he could, before laughing along with him. He felt better. Much better when he could laugh hard like this…with Hyukjae…
Hyukjae smiled, showing his gum, left wrinkles in the corner of his eyes.
“I think we should stop,” he said softly, “you look really tired,”
Donghae nodded and asked if Hyukjae could stay over tonight.
They cuddled each other upon Donghae’s single bed. Donghae, afraid of losing Hyukjae, hugged him tight and didn’t let him go all night. He felt really happy, happier than watching his happy memories. He took a deep breath to fill his lung with Hyukjae’s scent and rubbing his face in the strand of the red hair of his friend.
“I love you Hyukjae…”
“I love you too Donghae…”
Did it Hyukjae who answer? Or he already in dream land when he thought he heard Hyukjae said that? He didn’t care though, knew that from now on, he would have Hyukjae for himself. So he didn’t have to worry anymore.
When he opened his eyes again, he sat on the bench in the park somewhere in Seoul. And it’s the start of the winter, when everything cold and wet. He felt really disappointed. So it was memories after all?
He couldn’t really have Hyukjae for himself. He tried to calm down, reminding himself that Hyukjae already died and now he’s just in his memories.
Ah yes memories…the last of his childhood was when Donghwa saved him from the cavern and the next memories was when he was a freshman in the college. The gap was quite long and he wondered why. There were lots of important memories in between those memories. When he thought about it, all of them were not good memories; most of them were his worst and saddest memories he ever had. Like the burnt house, his families funeral, and hard time in orphanage.
He skipped it all. Why?
“Stop it!” he heard an angry voice and laughter.
When he looked up, he saw himself, a few months younger. He was angry at his teaser, Hyukjae who couldn’t stop laughing. He stopped laughing when saw the younger was still angry at him. “Oh come on… don’t be like that Hae…”
Younger Donghae pouted and mumbling something under his breath. When Hyukjae saw this, he sighed then said, “Come here…” and made young Donghae facing him and gave him passionate kiss full in the lips. Donghae blushed really hard because of this. One of them welcomed the kiss and started kissing the older, and other one just staring at them with incredulous look on his face. Mixed between jealous and moved. He wanted to kiss Hyukjae too. The two lover taking their time and kept kissing for a long time (at least from the view of the watcher, since this watcher was dying to do the kiss and growing jealousy over his other self).
Suddenly Hyukjae broke the kiss. The young Donghae seemed disappointed by the sudden lost and pouted at his lover, while the jealous Donghae felt a little bit relieved.
“Donghae…” Hyukjae said, but didn’t get respond from the pouted boy.
“Donghae,” he repeated, urged the pouted Donghae to put some attention to him. The watcher Donghae stayed still, his heart beat faster and faster in every moment. He just remembered what memories was this.
“Donghae listen,” Hyukjae said once again.
“What is it Hyuk?” said the irritated Donghae, still pouting. But he was curious since the older boy didn’t answer him immediately and started digging his winter coat pockets instead.
After a few moment and few ‘What is it Hyuk’, Hyukjae held out a small red velvet box and offered it to Donghae who startled and trembled when he was trying to open the box.
A pair of ring sat silently inside the red box. The rings were sparkling with happiness.
“Marry me…” Hyukjae whispered under his breath, “Marry me Donghae…”
Sobbing Donghae soon burst into tears and burned himself in Hyukjae’s chest. Crying hard and didn’t stop for a little while Hyukjae affectionately patting his back. Then they kissed again, longer and more passionate than before, but this time, watcher Donghae didn’t feel jealous. He was currently crying silently on the bench. When he thought the kiss was already over, he looked up and saw the two of them, Hyukjae and his other self, looking at him.
“Huh?” he said, with a hoarse voice.
“The journey is over Hae…” Hyukjae said to Donghae.
“It’s over here…” the other Donghae said.
“What? Why?”
Hyukjae smiled at the question, but he answered, “because two week from now on I’ll be dead, Hae…” he said bitterly.
Donghae stared at Hyukjae blankly. Yes, He will…in the cars accident…on Donghae’s birthday.
“It’s true, and we thought it’s enough,” other Donghae said.
“W, what enough?”
“Did you realize why we brought you to those memories?” said other Donghae calmly.
“What memories are those Hae?” Hyukjae asked softly.
Donghae on the bench didn’t immediately answer, but pounding his thought a little before answered, “Happy memories?”
Both of the figures in front of him nodded and smiled.
“Why do you think we show you those memories?” other Donghae asked.
He pondered the answer again before answered, “To show me how precious that moment was…”
“Not ‘was’ Hae,” Hyukjae cut him, “but ‘is’. ‘IS’ is the right word.”
“Don’t you think so?” asked the other Donghae softly, “It is still precious to you, isn’t it?”
Slowly tears were flowing down upon his cheeks again and Donghae couldn’t help but to nod.
Hyukjae reached and held the crying Donghae hand tightly before let it go and stepped back. Then the other Donghae took a step forward and face to face with him. This other Donghae held both of Donghae hands and said softly, “Then why you abandoned it?”
“I…” Donghae cried harder.
“Those memories want to be remembered by you…If you do not exist anymore, so do they…”
Donghae cried silently, unable to answer every word the other said.
“Those memories…are what which make you now…” the other Donghae cupped Donghae face and wiped the tears away, “Those memories make your life precious,”
Donghae stopped crying and looked at his other self in the eyes.
“Is there not enough reason for you to keep living? To treasure them who love you by remembering them…Dad…Mom…Donghwa…”
“Hyukjae… ” Donghae added.
“Yes, and him…” the other Donghae smiled to him. He leaned forward and kissed Donghae on the forehead. Donghae reacted by closing his eyes. He felt the warm lips on his forehead slowly disappeared and he once again fell to the nothingness.
When he opened his eyes, one of his foots ready to take the final step to jump off the roof. He quickly took his foot away and gripped the railing behind him tightly.
“Donghae…” the voice inside his head said. He looked up and saw Hyukjae was looking down at him, extended his hand to Donghae to reach. Donghae leaned forward to reach it and tightened his grip to the railing for support.
He grabbed the cold hand and pulling it forward toward him. Hyukjae let go of Donghae’s grip and hugged him with both of his hands. He cupped Donghae face and pecked all of Donghae face with affections, even if it felt cold in his skin.
When Donghae opened his eyes again, he couldn’t find Hyukjae anywhere, but he could hear him saying in his head, “You have a future, Hae…I love you…”
Donghae reached his hand again to where Hyukjae was and gripped to the thin cold air and didn’t let go. He closed his eyes again and now he could see his extended hand holding a bright future. He held it and didn’t let go. “I love you, Hyuk…”
He holds it and never let go.
.o0o.
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Participate as: ime_ime_ime
Finished Fics: [01/100]
# 065. Grip, Donghae/Donghae
Title: Hold the Future
Pairing: Donghae X Donghae (literally), Donghae X Hyukjae
Length: One-Shot
Genre: Drama
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3980
Warning: none except for the suicide attempt
Disclaimer: There are impossible things in this world; one of them is if I own the boys.
Summary: Donghae gives up on his life and decides that he has enough of it, but someone, something, helps him to get up, to help him realize how precious his life is.
Beta-ed by: vivalahyuk
Ime's note: dedicated to birthday girl mcts051129 . In attempt to give her proper birthday fic... but i don't know if this good enough or not... tomorrow vivalahyuk have her final test but i made her beta-ed this for me T__T Thank you darling~ And i swear this is not angst and end happily ever after!!!!
.o0o.
Attempting to jump from a 35-storied building and just one step away from death. A fine looking young man took a step forward even actually he hesitated on this decision.
“Donghae…” he heard a voice in his head. A voice that he loved so much, as much as he loved the owner. His body trembled, from the cold winter night and the fear of death. But he ran out of reason to life and he thought death would be the only answer, even he scared. At least he will meet him. “I’m coming to you Hyukjae,” he whispered to the thin air. His gaze fell down to the dark pedestrian, he was thinking about death, and trying to hear the silent night for the last time. He then closed his eyes slowly and took a final step to nothing and waited for his fall. But nothing came. He didn’t fall down, instead he could feel the concrete pavement under his feet. But he didn’t open his eyes, too shock to do so. Slowly voices getting loud to his ears. And with much forced to himself, he bravely opened his eyes that soon became widened because of the scene he saw.
He was standing in the middle of the park. Childs. Parents. Sands. Swings. Blue sky. He took a look around his surrounding. The place felt out of date but somehow familiar. He could smell the salty moist summer wind and looked down to the sands under his feet that covering most of the concrete walk path.
Laughter. He heard a lot of laughter. Laughter that had been lost ever since Hyukjae died.
Where is he? Does he already die? If this heaven, it was too far from what they already said it would be. It just liked an ordinary park in the country side some where in South Korea.
He took a step and started to walk around. He didn’t have a destination yet but he didn’t know what he supposed to do. Didn’t he suppose to be landed on the pedestrian walk back in Seoul? Or maybe he had to search other building to jump off or maybe another method to kill himself? But what was the point of suicidal if he suddenly experienced a magical phenomenon? Well, if you could call this one a magical. Donghae thought he better believe that this was just a dream. A strange one, since the dream seemed normal enough for just a dream. At least he had to find out before he tries another attempts to kill himself once again.
He approached a few mothers who talked to each other in one of the bench.
“Excuse me,” he said softly. But the ladies didn’t show even a single reaction, so he called louder. “Excuse me!” still not reacted.
He tried to get attention from one of them by waving his hand and waited for eyes contact. But it never happened. It looked like they didn’t see him. Or…they couldn’t see him? Donghae shrugged the idea off then decided maybe he had to try to other people.
A pair of highschooler passed by, he tried to greet them, but the result was still the same. He tried to take the attentions of kindergarten kids in the sand box, but no progress. He was getting frustrated then shouted out in the ear of a senior citizen in the bench, and like what he had thought, no reaction.
He felt irritated, not to mention he was wearing winter cloth in the middle of hot summer. Just when he decided to go, he got a glimpse of a pair of mother and son he had known very well. Not just familiar, he knew them and just the sign of them took his breath away. A boy, not older than 5, wad playing soccer with his mother. The look in his eyes made him froze. Oh how he misses it. How he forgets the feeling of…this. He took a step closer and walked around to get a better view of the mother’s face. She seemed as happy as his son. They laughed when the son missed the ball, they laughed when the mother did ridiculous move or even when the son fell down. The more he witnesses the happiness, the more sadness drowned him. He glued his eyes to her. Very aware this was not just a photo that he usually stared. This was the real person. How he’d been missing her so much.
The ball rolled over and approached Donghae. He followed it with his eyes, until it stopped in front of his feet. He looked down and started to cry. Acknowledged that no one would realize him, no one even saw him so he could pity himself for a moment without getting any attention from anybody.
A pair of small feet appeared under his blurry view. The boy came to take away the ball. Or that’s what he thought, because the boy didn’t do anything even when the ball just right in front of him. Curious, Donghae looked up to see the boy was staring at him. He was taken by surprise and looked around to see whom the boy stared at, but when he couldn’t find anybody or anything at all, he put back his attention to the staring boy with questioning look on his face.
“Why are you crying mister?” he asked innocently.
“You can see…me?” Donghae asked, without thinking much at his questions.
“Of course…this is your memories after all,” he said smiling widely, “Our memories if I could say.”
“Who the hell are you?”
“I am you. Your younger version,”
“Why there is a younger version of me? What are you doing here? Where is this?” Donghae started to freak out.
The boy, we could say, young Donghae smile brighter than ever, then said, “Don’t we suppose to question why you are here? Look around! This place is not where you belong.”
He was right. The place was the park he usually visited when he was a boy in his hometown, Mokpo.
“Why am I here?” Donghae finally said.
Young Donghae looked sad then answered, “I don’t know either…I’m sorry… but,” he suddenly brighten up, “why don’t you come to my house? Your house?”
He waited eagerly for his reply, before he answered, unsure, “I guess…”
“Great!” he cut off his older version and ran back to his mother. They talked and walked away. The boy looked back at Donghae and motioned him to follow.
Donghae kept the distant between them, too afraid of memories of her, or since this was his memories after all, Donghae afraid of her. Not because she reminded him of something awful, anguish or sad. Well, that was the problem, because just the sight of her reminded him of happiness, and that’s what made him sad the most. Young Donghae seemed to ignore him and interacted with his, err, their mother cheerfully.
Donghae remembered this day. This was when Mom promised to bring him to summer festival and carnival, this day at night, with father and Donghwa together…but something wasn’t good happened, Donghwa got burnt by his own firework, Mom and Dad was freaking out, and nice outing turn to be a disaster. Donghae laughed at himself, at how years later they could laugh at it as a joke.
Because too much having thoughts, he lost his Mom and the younger version of him. But he remembered the way to his own home like his own back hand. So he just slid his feet to follow his intuitions and not really put any attentions to his surrounding. When he finally reached his old home, he stopped and took a good view of it as long and contended as he could. The more he stared at the worn out building, the more he felt sadness consumed him inside. How he couldn’t manage to get rid of the image of it getting burnt and sent spark to the sky when the ominous bonfire was taking the place where the house once stood and left nothing but sadness and ashes of his house and his families.
Voices sent him back to reality, or memories, exactly. Laughters. Another yet. But he followed it nonetheless. He entered the gate and walked straight to backyard where the voices came.
He was nearly getting teary again when he caught a scene of his father, sewing his fishing-net in the small balcony. The balcony Donghae and his father used to hang around.
He especially loved the sight and took more moment than stared blankly at his house to stare him and observing his activities, that when he realize, he was talking with somebody else. Donghae walked around and to his surprise, he met his other younger version. This time, 10 years older than his other one. He lied on his stomach on the floor while he was drawing. Young Donghae smiled widely at whatever they were talking about. He loved talking to his Dad. Everyday in the evening, after school, Donghae always went to balcony where his father geting prepared to go fishing. They talked about a lot of thing. About Mom. About Donghwa. About what he did today at school. About soccer. About friends. About TV show. About yesterday. About today. About tomorrow. About dreams.
Donghae sat on the rock under ginko tree, facing the two figures that didn’t notice his present. Just watching and treasured all the moment he saw, not really realized that this was already his memories. But maybe, sometimes you need help to remember your own memories. Donghae lost count of how long he’d been sitting there watching and his butt started to get numb, but he didn’t care much. Yellowish ginko leaves kept falling down and Donghae just realized that this time maybe autumn. He looked up and saw a lot of wood plate hung at the branches of the tree, each held the wishes, wishes which he, Dad, and Donghwa wrote down and promised to fulfill.
His dad finished prepared his net and young Donghae got up to his feet and ran down the balcony, fetching the dirty soccer ball near storage and shouting at Donghwa to join him playing soccer at the field. He left first, didn’t wait for his brother. Mom shouted from the kitchen window, telling the younger to back before dinner. Half way to the gate, young Donghae stopped and turned to Donghae who currently paying attention to his dad.
“Hey!” young Donghae shouted to get Donghae’s attention. And he did get his attention. “Want to join?” the younger asked, held up the ball.
Donghae hesitated before answered, “Sure,” and threw his last glare to his Dad and the wishes plates before followed the younger.
He also remembered the path to the field, because he spent most of his childhood by playing soccer. Young Donghae didn’t wait for him and already lost in sight and Donghae didn’t care much and just walking while still thinking about his father and their not fulfilled wishes. When he reached the field, he went straight to Cherry tree and sat down under it. Most of the tree leaves had already turned red and yellow as he stared up to them and got hit by the sun that shined too bright. It was summer again. He turned his attention to the running boys in the field. Two of them he recognized as Donghwa and himself. This time, his younger version of him looked a little bit tanned and older by a few years than the previous version.
This younger version wildly ran here and there with unbelievable shiny expression plastered on his face even when the trace of tiresome could be found. He didn’t seem to care of his panting breaths and sweat that running down his shirt. He was playing around with Donghwa every now and then. At some intense moment, Donghae thought he saw the younger flies while running to other side of field, but of course the thought alone was stupid enough even in his head.
Donghae watched them playing soccer while he was busy thinking about this moment and why he was ‘attending’ this moment again. When he realized a few months from this day was on the worst days of his life, when his house turned to angry ominous bonfire, when he lost all his family members.
Donghae looked up (he didn’t even realize when he looked down) and found himself sat under the tree in some hill. From where he stayed, he could hear waves hitting the riverbank. He was confused because he didn’t remember this place and after a few moments, he decided to explore the new place. Further to the west, he found small path to go down the riverbank, felt a little bit adventurous, he followed the path that happened to lead him to a little bay that had a little cavern at it. That’s, when he could hear a sob. He was pretty sure that the sob came from the cavern so he approached it. What he found was the younger version of him that looked not so different from the previous one, that when he remembered where the place was. He didn’t jump too far from the previous time, just a few weeks, when his school had a trip to this place. The thing that he didn’t really remember was where exactly the place was. But he remembered he was playing hide and seek with his friends and because young blood that running inside him, he ended up hiding too far from where he should be. He lost and scared because of that. Curled in the opening of the cavern and couldn’t go anywhere because of his injured leg. The younger accidentally hurting himself and started to get fever from the infections. He prayed all day to be saved, but who could save him? When you played hide and seek, you will search for the most difficult lace to find. The younger just cried and cried and when he ran out tears to spill, he sobbed.
Donghae stared blankly at the scene, not really intended to help his younger self, because he knew what happened next. A few moments later, they could hear faint voice that calling his name.
“I’m here,” young Donghae let out a desperate hoarse voice.
“Donghae!” the voice getting near.
“HERE!” The younger was trying to shout. A fast pace could be heard running down the path and when the figure entered younger view, he burst out crying again.
“Donghae! God, thank you!” Donghwa shouted and ran to his brother and held him tight, afraid to let go. Soon he found out of his brother condition, and it made him even more worried. He carried his brother on his back and took him out from the nightmare. The younger still sobbed on his brother back. Slowly, they out of Donghae view. Donghae didn’t follow them because he too preoccupied with his own thought. He just realized how he missed his brother and how he felt when his brother found him inside the cavern. That was one of the happiest moments in his life. That was when the younger him realized how much he loved his brother. Tears started filling up Donghae’s eyes and blurred his vision.
“Donghae…” a voice called him. And he looked up to see Hyukjae looking at him. Startled and bewildered. He looked around and found himself in his old room in the college dormitories. There’s a paper that stick to his cheek.
“Don’t sleep when we’re in the middle of doing our homework, Hae!” Hyukjae sounded a little bit irritated.
“Where…?” Donghae trailed off. He confused. Usually he just became ‘watcher’ of his own memories, not experienced it himself. Or did he already comeback to reality?
“Where what?” Hyukjae asked, confused. But soon his expression changed when Donghae expression didn’t.
“You look like an idiot with your mouth open like that!” he laughed wholeheartedly.
Laugh. Laughter. Hyukjae’s laughter.
Donghae faced his soon-to-be-lover friend, swallowed this scene as much as he could, before laughing along with him. He felt better. Much better when he could laugh hard like this…with Hyukjae…
Hyukjae smiled, showing his gum, left wrinkles in the corner of his eyes.
“I think we should stop,” he said softly, “you look really tired,”
Donghae nodded and asked if Hyukjae could stay over tonight.
They cuddled each other upon Donghae’s single bed. Donghae, afraid of losing Hyukjae, hugged him tight and didn’t let him go all night. He felt really happy, happier than watching his happy memories. He took a deep breath to fill his lung with Hyukjae’s scent and rubbing his face in the strand of the red hair of his friend.
“I love you Hyukjae…”
“I love you too Donghae…”
Did it Hyukjae who answer? Or he already in dream land when he thought he heard Hyukjae said that? He didn’t care though, knew that from now on, he would have Hyukjae for himself. So he didn’t have to worry anymore.
When he opened his eyes again, he sat on the bench in the park somewhere in Seoul. And it’s the start of the winter, when everything cold and wet. He felt really disappointed. So it was memories after all?
He couldn’t really have Hyukjae for himself. He tried to calm down, reminding himself that Hyukjae already died and now he’s just in his memories.
Ah yes memories…the last of his childhood was when Donghwa saved him from the cavern and the next memories was when he was a freshman in the college. The gap was quite long and he wondered why. There were lots of important memories in between those memories. When he thought about it, all of them were not good memories; most of them were his worst and saddest memories he ever had. Like the burnt house, his families funeral, and hard time in orphanage.
He skipped it all. Why?
“Stop it!” he heard an angry voice and laughter.
When he looked up, he saw himself, a few months younger. He was angry at his teaser, Hyukjae who couldn’t stop laughing. He stopped laughing when saw the younger was still angry at him. “Oh come on… don’t be like that Hae…”
Younger Donghae pouted and mumbling something under his breath. When Hyukjae saw this, he sighed then said, “Come here…” and made young Donghae facing him and gave him passionate kiss full in the lips. Donghae blushed really hard because of this. One of them welcomed the kiss and started kissing the older, and other one just staring at them with incredulous look on his face. Mixed between jealous and moved. He wanted to kiss Hyukjae too. The two lover taking their time and kept kissing for a long time (at least from the view of the watcher, since this watcher was dying to do the kiss and growing jealousy over his other self).
Suddenly Hyukjae broke the kiss. The young Donghae seemed disappointed by the sudden lost and pouted at his lover, while the jealous Donghae felt a little bit relieved.
“Donghae…” Hyukjae said, but didn’t get respond from the pouted boy.
“Donghae,” he repeated, urged the pouted Donghae to put some attention to him. The watcher Donghae stayed still, his heart beat faster and faster in every moment. He just remembered what memories was this.
“Donghae listen,” Hyukjae said once again.
“What is it Hyuk?” said the irritated Donghae, still pouting. But he was curious since the older boy didn’t answer him immediately and started digging his winter coat pockets instead.
After a few moment and few ‘What is it Hyuk’, Hyukjae held out a small red velvet box and offered it to Donghae who startled and trembled when he was trying to open the box.
A pair of ring sat silently inside the red box. The rings were sparkling with happiness.
“Marry me…” Hyukjae whispered under his breath, “Marry me Donghae…”
Sobbing Donghae soon burst into tears and burned himself in Hyukjae’s chest. Crying hard and didn’t stop for a little while Hyukjae affectionately patting his back. Then they kissed again, longer and more passionate than before, but this time, watcher Donghae didn’t feel jealous. He was currently crying silently on the bench. When he thought the kiss was already over, he looked up and saw the two of them, Hyukjae and his other self, looking at him.
“Huh?” he said, with a hoarse voice.
“The journey is over Hae…” Hyukjae said to Donghae.
“It’s over here…” the other Donghae said.
“What? Why?”
Hyukjae smiled at the question, but he answered, “because two week from now on I’ll be dead, Hae…” he said bitterly.
Donghae stared at Hyukjae blankly. Yes, He will…in the cars accident…on Donghae’s birthday.
“It’s true, and we thought it’s enough,” other Donghae said.
“W, what enough?”
“Did you realize why we brought you to those memories?” said other Donghae calmly.
“What memories are those Hae?” Hyukjae asked softly.
Donghae on the bench didn’t immediately answer, but pounding his thought a little before answered, “Happy memories?”
Both of the figures in front of him nodded and smiled.
“Why do you think we show you those memories?” other Donghae asked.
He pondered the answer again before answered, “To show me how precious that moment was…”
“Not ‘was’ Hae,” Hyukjae cut him, “but ‘is’. ‘IS’ is the right word.”
“Don’t you think so?” asked the other Donghae softly, “It is still precious to you, isn’t it?”
Slowly tears were flowing down upon his cheeks again and Donghae couldn’t help but to nod.
Hyukjae reached and held the crying Donghae hand tightly before let it go and stepped back. Then the other Donghae took a step forward and face to face with him. This other Donghae held both of Donghae hands and said softly, “Then why you abandoned it?”
“I…” Donghae cried harder.
“Those memories want to be remembered by you…If you do not exist anymore, so do they…”
Donghae cried silently, unable to answer every word the other said.
“Those memories…are what which make you now…” the other Donghae cupped Donghae face and wiped the tears away, “Those memories make your life precious,”
Donghae stopped crying and looked at his other self in the eyes.
“Is there not enough reason for you to keep living? To treasure them who love you by remembering them…Dad…Mom…Donghwa…”
“Hyukjae… ” Donghae added.
“Yes, and him…” the other Donghae smiled to him. He leaned forward and kissed Donghae on the forehead. Donghae reacted by closing his eyes. He felt the warm lips on his forehead slowly disappeared and he once again fell to the nothingness.
When he opened his eyes, one of his foots ready to take the final step to jump off the roof. He quickly took his foot away and gripped the railing behind him tightly.
“Donghae…” the voice inside his head said. He looked up and saw Hyukjae was looking down at him, extended his hand to Donghae to reach. Donghae leaned forward to reach it and tightened his grip to the railing for support.
He grabbed the cold hand and pulling it forward toward him. Hyukjae let go of Donghae’s grip and hugged him with both of his hands. He cupped Donghae face and pecked all of Donghae face with affections, even if it felt cold in his skin.
When Donghae opened his eyes again, he couldn’t find Hyukjae anywhere, but he could hear him saying in his head, “You have a future, Hae…I love you…”
Donghae reached his hand again to where Hyukjae was and gripped to the thin cold air and didn’t let go. He closed his eyes again and now he could see his extended hand holding a bright future. He held it and didn’t let go. “I love you, Hyuk…”
He holds it and never let go.
.o0o.
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