(no subject)
I need to rant, and since I cant do it aloud, I'll do it here. So... school is very stressful. Like, really. I have so much work that I just need to plan everything and get it done. I like planning everything, but not actually doing it. I hate sitting in class. I hate the STUPID BITCHES- suzy voice. I have so much to think about. I wish I could just not do anything in class and just think. What I'm afraid of is thinking so much that I'll start to cry, eventually. Yes, it happens. I really dont want to go to school tomorrow. I want to sleep in bed and just think of what I should do. I have so many little problems that they all add up into one pile. I like being mellow. It's so much calmer than always running around and smiling. Thats not me any more. That was me for a couple of days, maybe in the begining of the year or something. I hope no one is reading this because I dont want you to cry for me. Don't feel sad. I feel like I blush so much more now. I cant concentrate in class. I just want to go home and think about my summer. I want to think of my future. I want to plan my life. I want to sit and think. think. think. Listen to music and think about how it affects my life. I can tell this is going to be a disaster. Why do people lie? I want to know why people cant be brutally honest with each other. HONESTLY. If you want to tell someone the truth, me in particular, I want you to say it to me. I dont think I could handle it in person so dont say it to my face. I've been trying to be so calm lately. If I disagree with you, and snap at you, please tell me. This is the time of year where I go through a changing process and turn out to be a totally different person. One of my plans have crashed into dust. Is that possible? Oh, yes. Now I refuse to do any of my work. I'm too angry to function. Orit gave me a surprise today. No, it wasnt henry and andrew wrapped in a box, but it was still good stuff. It was the $40 tile we painted at color me mine. It's 5 o'clock and I refuse to do the pile of work I have. All I want to do is go driving and think about my mistakes. All the mistakes that I've made. I have a major flaw and I cant seem to fix it. Alot of people have this flaw but it doesnt seem to bother them, so why does it bother me so much? Why cant I just let one thing pass? It's JUST one flaw. Now I cant breathe. I have a deal with my mom but I cant seem to live up to it. It's like telling someone to be perfect. Sorry, I'm not a robot. I know I'm just going on, but it's okay, I'm not in a hurry and I'm not taking anyone's time. Now I remember why I have a journal. While everyone is too busy to look around, I'm still standing here. Some days, I think that no one even notices I'm here. I dont want to think that because then I'll just be repeating last year. I can think of the people who would miss me and they're not a couple, a few, or several. Theyre more than that. Theyre the people I care to talk to. If I like talking to you, then you are special. If I dont like talking to you, then you are just another random person who can... I don't know, I cant think of anything. I dont want to be mean. There a so many thoughts going through my head and I just want to break down, turn up the music, and cry because of all the pressure. I'm under so much pressure. I really cant do any work.