Wide awake, sober and thinking....
Here it is 2:30 in the morning, and I am wide awake. And sober. And actually feeling almost normal since I got sick with this bronchitis shit. Maybe this means that things will be ok in the end. I can only hope they will be. It can't get any worse. Can it?
I still feel the wrath of Thursday night. Why do I do the things I do? Why do I say the things I say? They hurt everyone around me. It hurts me. I know that I need help. God, in more than one way. I feel it in my heart, it aches in my bones, and burns at my brain. What am I afraid of? Ha. I'm afraid of everything. Anything. Scared shitless...that's me. I'm so scared, that I turn to drinking, smoking, and fighting. Trying to be OK with everything going on around me, inside me. When in reality, all I want to do is lock myself up in a dark room. All by myself. Forever. But since society and life doesn't really allow that, I turn to demolishing myself. Piece by piece, day by day. Will I ever learn? Will I ever stop? All these questions, and I have no answers.
I think I'm better at dealing with this when I'm inebrieated.
I still feel the wrath of Thursday night. Why do I do the things I do? Why do I say the things I say? They hurt everyone around me. It hurts me. I know that I need help. God, in more than one way. I feel it in my heart, it aches in my bones, and burns at my brain. What am I afraid of? Ha. I'm afraid of everything. Anything. Scared shitless...that's me. I'm so scared, that I turn to drinking, smoking, and fighting. Trying to be OK with everything going on around me, inside me. When in reality, all I want to do is lock myself up in a dark room. All by myself. Forever. But since society and life doesn't really allow that, I turn to demolishing myself. Piece by piece, day by day. Will I ever learn? Will I ever stop? All these questions, and I have no answers.
I think I'm better at dealing with this when I'm inebrieated.