(no subject)
I have wasted my life. Totally blown it away. yup. yup i have. i wish i could have been homeschooled or something by my parents while we travelled all around the world. like the wild thornberry's!! haha!
do you believe in love? i dont know what i believe anymore.
im going to pack a backpack full of clothes and a toothbrush, put on some flip flops and go down to south america. Rent an el camino. bright blue. and just keep driving. go to jericoarca or whatever the hell that place is and stay with the people for like a month on the beach. just sit and write and think and reflect. totally forget about who i am or who other people think i am. rediscover myself.
im not unhappy. no. not at all. im a lot happier now than i have been. but i just feel like my life could be so much more beautiful. i feel like im missing something.
went shopping with the girls yesterday. interesting experience. i got some burberry brit. omg i love that smell. i spray it on me and i feel so warm. its the most romantic smell. you just want to curl up with someone and bury your face in their neck. its a good smell.
but i saw someone. while we were eating at zoopas. she was standing right outside the restaurant. like 8 feet away. i saw the back of her head and i knew exactly who it was. i felt my blood turn cold, and when she turned around i swore i was going to pass out. i didnt know what to do. give her the finger, smile, scream, run away, jump over the barrier and strangle her? it was the strangest thing. she turned around and stared for a second and we locked eyes for a second or two. and it kept happening. like she was thinking "is that who i think it is? have i seen her before?"It felt like the longest 20 seconds of my life. She was waiting for her mother or something. Her black eyeliner still looked ridiculous. She always overdid her makeup i thought.
Ashley Sullivan.
If only she knew. If only i could just touch her and have her feel everything i've ever felt. Everything that her and her friends ever did to me. I wanted to get up and chase after her and scream my heart out to her. Let her know. But no. I just went home and cried. The rush of emotion. So overpowering. How the hell did they ever control me? I hated them but somehow i always let them fool me into thinking they were better than me. I hated them, but i loved them and wanted to be them. And i am so embarrassed. So angry with myself. Why am i letting them hurt me still? I feel so...
I dont even know anymore.
I thought that was over. I thought that was over and done with. But apparently not. I wonder, in how many other ways have they affected me? How have i changed? Probably in so many ways...so many ways i cant even count. I was just so...angry. Frustrated with myself. I told myself that the next time she saw me, in high school, i'd be so hott. so skinny with a gorgeous boyfriend. she wouldnt even recognize me. I just want her to see that im not what she thinks i am.
But she's going to get married. Get married and have kids and that will be her life. I'm going to see and do and be so much more than her. She's just another pretty face. A raccoon-eyed pretty face. omg haha. Im going to have so much more than her. In the end...im the winner. She's got nothing on me. Im going to see the world and know everything. And she's just going to be a stupid housewife.
She doesnt matter. At all. I will get older and forget about her. I'll go on with my grand life. My great adventure and she wont matter anymore.
But as much as i talk myself up and try and make myself feel better...it doesnt help. It really doesn't. I swear it was just yesterday.
Im starting my life. Getting some perspective.
This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years