how's life
this is me, laid (not literally) bare.
Have always have the intention to resume writing at some space, just forgetting that I still hold a space here. It's been awhile. (yeap, I probably said the same thing for the last 5 posts)
Wonder since when, writing a journal has left me, big portion of blame goes to facebook & instagram. another small portion of it is, I have reached the age that there isn't any motive of exposing much of myself. that easily leads me into a recluse, tighting my box of emotions, slowly drawing myself further apart from places that I once felt the warmth from - friends.
they said it's a life progress. As you age, the lesser friends you have. Is that just a myth or it's ourselves to blame? but i think, the bigger problem here is: once I've stopped writing, I lost track of my life progress, I lost track of my inner struggles & I lost the momentum of improving myself.
So let's cut the chase & get into the drill:
Life's been sorta great. Holding a Dep. AD post, my career hasn't been sky-rocketing, but at least it isn't taking a nose-dive.
Relationship - checked. Occasionally there're fights and banters between us, but I guess we still find each others worth to make it through.
Me myself? hmmm tons of work to be done on myself. I've grown into this obnoxious egoistic cynic. The reason being? I wish I could figure out this earlier before & stop myself from rotting into this mess.
Many times I joked to my friends proudly "yeah there're plenty of bitches in my previous company (far bigger scale company), but I'm the bitch in my current company". It will usually crack them up. but today, listening to myself saying the same sentece, almost made me threw up in my mouth. What have gotten into me? how could I possibly allow myself to function this way & to think that this is ok?
How could that be a moment I am cocky about when I am so awful spitting mean words to others? Have I become someone (from my previous job) that I've always loathed? Or is it the situation that harden me? Or is it that I'm trying to be straight forward and get my job done? And how is being clear & blunt not ok? Why am I responsible to others feelings? If I were to take care of how everyone feels, will I ever get my job done? ...but is getting my job done more important than my personal growth? - of course not. of course not.
Hence today, I want to tell myself that, no matter what, putting someone's emotions and feelings in jeopardy for your own personal achievement is never ok. It shouldn't be ok... i guess. (see I'm doubting myself now) Let's fathom the fact that I will never be Steve Jobs, so I might as well pick my niceness up today - you is kind, you is smart, you is important.
love.