like sex on an airplane
Taco bell. It almost seems as if the words alone can induce a coronary. This is how it always happens. It’s always late. Always there is my brain saying, "tony, what are you doing?... you know this is the worst possible option. You're better off starving yourself." Then there's my heart going, "NNNOOOOO!!!!!! NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!! PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NOOOO!!!!!" And of course there is the reject at the counter going, "ok, so that’s 6 challupas?" At least all 6 weren't for me.
Sinspawn... I think I gave birth to one earlier. I'm honestly shocked my shit didn’t come right back up out of the toilet and try to attack me. You know how when you go to eat at taco bell and you are thinking to yourself, "this is going to come back to bite me in the ass", well, maybe its just me... but I think that literally. Those things in sewers that eat people, they aren’t alligators... just partially digested challupas. It's the double L thing that tipped me off at first. That, and the fact that today my left butt cheek is missing a rather sizable chunk. Is this a little too much information? Maybe. Me? I’m just glad I didn’t add any hot sauce to that shit. If you think facing an angry mutated Mexican foodstuff in a dark, dank sewer isn’t your idea of a good time, throw fire breathing and acid spewing into the equation. All of a sudden a grade D burger and burnt stale fries sound like a picnic. At least the burger is dead... whether it was ever alive to begin with is a different story. You didn’t really think that was meat in those things, did you?
I feel like something is consuming me from the inside... i think one of the challupas has gotten a hold of my small intestine. ENOUGH!
I'd like to make a videogame where you have to hack your way through armies of evil upon evil, all mutated, fast food. Like, you fight an assortment of soft and hard-shell tacos through one stage(remember, they have different armor so choose your weapon wisely for each fight… use a spork if you have to), and then at the end you have to fight a Mexican pizza. The pizza has many attacks, such as "random object choke", when it screams, "how the hell did that get in there?!?" and sniper shoots a happy meal toy into your larynx. There's also the "heart body slam", as per title. And when near death its been known to release a cloud of "food poison". Make sure to have the gas mask equipped by the time you are ready to finish it.
The Big Mac with his “special sauce attack”. Before he dies he tells you what’s in the secret sauce… bonus damage, he’s like a kamikaze. Armies of headless chickens armed with guns that shoot dehydrated onions. Trap-salads, looks healthy, will kill you anyway. One of the levels is the typical lava level from every game you ever played… except its boiling grease, careful don’t get deep-fried. You can have a gauge that shows your current cholesterol level and when it fills up you die, but then you may have a bypass and that acts as a continue. You can only have so many done though.
I'd play this game, I really would... I wonder if I could get the American heart foundation to fork over some development money. Either them or McDonalds... any publicity is good publicity, right? I'm thinking one of the bigger bosses would be Wendy, she's cute, doesn’t look too harmful, but what you don’t know is that she is as dirty as fuck and has every virus on the planet at her disposal. The main boss has to be a clown, with an oval grape henchman (don’t worry the grape contains only artificial color and flavoring... no grapes are actually included). I can see a game like this being a big hit. Parents would by it for their kids to try to make themselves feel better about not cooking dinner and their kids eating cheese 'n mac 5 fucking times a week(wait till they get a load of the sequel, When Food Attacks 2:pre-prepared day). Young adults would buy it because most either like to think they are health conscious; or they are geeks and find the concept "fascinating", a new paradigm in gaming. On the other hand there are the frat boy types who will just come for the "kewl killing of stuff". Stoners will buy this game because... well, heh... too easy. My point is, there is something here for everyone. From angry drunken hobos who work at the fast food places, to the 90-pound anorexic teenage daughter of a multimillionaire. Who do I need to hold hostage with a bean burrito in order to make it happen?(you do know that a bean burrito is like the nuke in food based warfare right?... I’d love to walk into a bank with 30-40 of those suckers strapped to me like dynamite... that would be killer, ahem... sorry).
You ever check out taco bells’ website? They have a nutrition section; yeah I know I was shocked too. What I found more shocking was that one of the selections was breakfast items, granted it was second from last, behind condiments(by the way, does anyone else miss the days when they were just sit those things out and you can take whatever you want? Now I feel like a fucking criminal if I ask for two packets instead of one even though I need 3… frustrating). Oh yeah, so, the breakfast thing… I never knew that taco bell served breakfast. In all honesty, I didn’t think they ate breakfast in Mexico, for whatever reason I don’t see anyone in that country waking up before noon… and only then its to take an hour to watch the daytime soaps before a siesta. So, imagine my surprise when I saw that breakfast food was an actual selection. For a moment there my whole world went topsy-turvy. Thankfully order was restored when the breakfast page loaded and I saw that it was nothing more then their regular menu with the word “Breakfast” added before every item: Breakfast Burrito (now with real burro), Breakfast Gordita, Breakfast etc. This leads me to believe that they just take their already award winning recipes(they won the “best new way to way to take someone out quietly” award at the 4th annual MAC(mercenary award ceremony)) and added egg to them. Well, egg substitute. Comes in quarter gallon cartons, like milk. Looks like a mix of urine and semen. Origin: unknown.
This is from the sites About Us section:
“Taco Bell Foundation was established as a nonprofit public charity in 1992. The purpose of the Foundation is to improve the lives of young people. To accomplish this mission the Foundation developed an exclusive partnership with the Boys & Girls Clubs of America, and TEENSupreme was born.”
TEENSupreme ehh? Well, know me and art had the challupas last night, but… OH! Wait, RON… isn’t that what you got, the teensupreme?(now with 40% more teen!).
I don’t know, I guess I just think that a game where fast food is trying to actively kill you would be a more accurate representation of what is really happening. Not that I have a problem with it… I just don’t like being lied to. That’s all. You’re going after the cigarette companies, saying that they are going after kids because their patrons are dying in record numbers? That’s fine. I agree. Going after young impressionable minds simply because your product is killing off your current customer base sucks. BUT THESE OTHER FUCKERS HAVE HAPPY MEALS!!!! What the hell do you think they are doing?? Seriously, have you checked the heart failure statistics for this country? If you are going to go after someone based on a moral platform, fucking go after everyone. Don’t just pick your spots because you are too lazy to cook and your kids are eating crap, that will probably end up eating them in the long run, for dinner.
Nutrition labels arent enough. Seriously, this food is like cigaretts so treat it the same. Next time i get a challupa it better fucking say, "can result in heart failure, or possible mangling... not recomended, well really for anyone, but esspecially pregnant people"(i say people because by the time this happens we may live in a world where Arnold Shwarchadftznaiourgeraky can carry children... i just want to make sure to account for something like that).
Note: the spelling of “food” product known as the challupa throughout this entry is the way the author feels like spelling it. Its not a real fucking word anyway so don’t have a cow or anything. All it is, is the author acting purely on a whim… and has nothing to do with making things convenient for the sake of the entry. That is all.
-tony
how can i serve you better?
Sinspawn... I think I gave birth to one earlier. I'm honestly shocked my shit didn’t come right back up out of the toilet and try to attack me. You know how when you go to eat at taco bell and you are thinking to yourself, "this is going to come back to bite me in the ass", well, maybe its just me... but I think that literally. Those things in sewers that eat people, they aren’t alligators... just partially digested challupas. It's the double L thing that tipped me off at first. That, and the fact that today my left butt cheek is missing a rather sizable chunk. Is this a little too much information? Maybe. Me? I’m just glad I didn’t add any hot sauce to that shit. If you think facing an angry mutated Mexican foodstuff in a dark, dank sewer isn’t your idea of a good time, throw fire breathing and acid spewing into the equation. All of a sudden a grade D burger and burnt stale fries sound like a picnic. At least the burger is dead... whether it was ever alive to begin with is a different story. You didn’t really think that was meat in those things, did you?
I feel like something is consuming me from the inside... i think one of the challupas has gotten a hold of my small intestine. ENOUGH!
I'd like to make a videogame where you have to hack your way through armies of evil upon evil, all mutated, fast food. Like, you fight an assortment of soft and hard-shell tacos through one stage(remember, they have different armor so choose your weapon wisely for each fight… use a spork if you have to), and then at the end you have to fight a Mexican pizza. The pizza has many attacks, such as "random object choke", when it screams, "how the hell did that get in there?!?" and sniper shoots a happy meal toy into your larynx. There's also the "heart body slam", as per title. And when near death its been known to release a cloud of "food poison". Make sure to have the gas mask equipped by the time you are ready to finish it.
The Big Mac with his “special sauce attack”. Before he dies he tells you what’s in the secret sauce… bonus damage, he’s like a kamikaze. Armies of headless chickens armed with guns that shoot dehydrated onions. Trap-salads, looks healthy, will kill you anyway. One of the levels is the typical lava level from every game you ever played… except its boiling grease, careful don’t get deep-fried. You can have a gauge that shows your current cholesterol level and when it fills up you die, but then you may have a bypass and that acts as a continue. You can only have so many done though.
I'd play this game, I really would... I wonder if I could get the American heart foundation to fork over some development money. Either them or McDonalds... any publicity is good publicity, right? I'm thinking one of the bigger bosses would be Wendy, she's cute, doesn’t look too harmful, but what you don’t know is that she is as dirty as fuck and has every virus on the planet at her disposal. The main boss has to be a clown, with an oval grape henchman (don’t worry the grape contains only artificial color and flavoring... no grapes are actually included). I can see a game like this being a big hit. Parents would by it for their kids to try to make themselves feel better about not cooking dinner and their kids eating cheese 'n mac 5 fucking times a week(wait till they get a load of the sequel, When Food Attacks 2:pre-prepared day). Young adults would buy it because most either like to think they are health conscious; or they are geeks and find the concept "fascinating", a new paradigm in gaming. On the other hand there are the frat boy types who will just come for the "kewl killing of stuff". Stoners will buy this game because... well, heh... too easy. My point is, there is something here for everyone. From angry drunken hobos who work at the fast food places, to the 90-pound anorexic teenage daughter of a multimillionaire. Who do I need to hold hostage with a bean burrito in order to make it happen?(you do know that a bean burrito is like the nuke in food based warfare right?... I’d love to walk into a bank with 30-40 of those suckers strapped to me like dynamite... that would be killer, ahem... sorry).
You ever check out taco bells’ website? They have a nutrition section; yeah I know I was shocked too. What I found more shocking was that one of the selections was breakfast items, granted it was second from last, behind condiments(by the way, does anyone else miss the days when they were just sit those things out and you can take whatever you want? Now I feel like a fucking criminal if I ask for two packets instead of one even though I need 3… frustrating). Oh yeah, so, the breakfast thing… I never knew that taco bell served breakfast. In all honesty, I didn’t think they ate breakfast in Mexico, for whatever reason I don’t see anyone in that country waking up before noon… and only then its to take an hour to watch the daytime soaps before a siesta. So, imagine my surprise when I saw that breakfast food was an actual selection. For a moment there my whole world went topsy-turvy. Thankfully order was restored when the breakfast page loaded and I saw that it was nothing more then their regular menu with the word “Breakfast” added before every item: Breakfast Burrito (now with real burro), Breakfast Gordita, Breakfast etc. This leads me to believe that they just take their already award winning recipes(they won the “best new way to way to take someone out quietly” award at the 4th annual MAC(mercenary award ceremony)) and added egg to them. Well, egg substitute. Comes in quarter gallon cartons, like milk. Looks like a mix of urine and semen. Origin: unknown.
This is from the sites About Us section:
“Taco Bell Foundation was established as a nonprofit public charity in 1992. The purpose of the Foundation is to improve the lives of young people. To accomplish this mission the Foundation developed an exclusive partnership with the Boys & Girls Clubs of America, and TEENSupreme was born.”
TEENSupreme ehh? Well, know me and art had the challupas last night, but… OH! Wait, RON… isn’t that what you got, the teensupreme?(now with 40% more teen!).
I don’t know, I guess I just think that a game where fast food is trying to actively kill you would be a more accurate representation of what is really happening. Not that I have a problem with it… I just don’t like being lied to. That’s all. You’re going after the cigarette companies, saying that they are going after kids because their patrons are dying in record numbers? That’s fine. I agree. Going after young impressionable minds simply because your product is killing off your current customer base sucks. BUT THESE OTHER FUCKERS HAVE HAPPY MEALS!!!! What the hell do you think they are doing?? Seriously, have you checked the heart failure statistics for this country? If you are going to go after someone based on a moral platform, fucking go after everyone. Don’t just pick your spots because you are too lazy to cook and your kids are eating crap, that will probably end up eating them in the long run, for dinner.
Nutrition labels arent enough. Seriously, this food is like cigaretts so treat it the same. Next time i get a challupa it better fucking say, "can result in heart failure, or possible mangling... not recomended, well really for anyone, but esspecially pregnant people"(i say people because by the time this happens we may live in a world where Arnold Shwarchadftznaiourgeraky can carry children... i just want to make sure to account for something like that).
Note: the spelling of “food” product known as the challupa throughout this entry is the way the author feels like spelling it. Its not a real fucking word anyway so don’t have a cow or anything. All it is, is the author acting purely on a whim… and has nothing to do with making things convenient for the sake of the entry. That is all.
-tony
how can i serve you better?