(no subject)
the curtain falls
down she goes
so long, worth
all the applause seems beautiful
it's got a hold on her
she whispers, "i'll go home"
and then she's reminded
that she doesn't know where that is
thought she belonged
but she knows she don't
thought she had love
but it is not enough
the pain inside is speaking to her
how could she feel like this
so aimless....
his glass falls
breaks into a thousand pieces
spilling out all he's tried to hide
"i only wanted to be strong
to be brave
but it's driven everyone away"
thought he belonged
but he knows he don't
thought he had love
but it is not enough
the pain inside is speaking to him
how could he feel like this?
so aimless
i've been him, and i've been her
covered up under the dirt
i want to get out
i want to be free
And know where I'm going
where i'm going
thought i belonged
but i know i don't
thought i had love
but it is not enough...no
an aching inside speaking to me
how could i feel like this
so aimless
they've always known this wasn't home
i've always known this wasn't home
i've always known...
--"Aimless" by Bethany Dillon
It has been so long since I have written anything, and to be honest, there has only been so much to say. I am a college student,
whatever that means...i walk miles every day, i eat on someone else's schedule, and i spend endless hours in the theatre building.
there have been highlights and great awakenings, don't get me wrong, but this is obviously not the end. it is not the upmost, the
peak, or anything worthy of being yearned after. i find myself only longing for the future even more now that i'm here. much more
than i ever have, and i have never claimed to be a content person. "i am the woman at the well, i am the harlot" to quote
Caedmon's Call. i have always known that my value did not lie in my ability to be good, to be nice, or to be patient. my value has
always been in the depth of feeling i have for my God. and i have definitely lived here over the past few months. i live in the depths...
in the hurt and the ache and the desperate longing "to get out" and "to be free." i know, at my core, that i was not designed for this
world.
the most recent lesson has been that it was not designed for me, either. it does not, will not, and cannot fill me up. bottomless pit
that i am, bottomless pit that we all are, dying and yearning and hoping that maybe tomorrow things will change...we are all
reaching for what we cannot have, only able to breathe in the smell of soup from outside the shelters, watching as the doors close
but immobile, unable to enter. the journal i've been using said the other day, "Stop living in the dark. Turn on the light." and i have
become compelled to do so, regardless of decay i've allowed to grow up. so, if you will...excuse the mess.
"Then He turned toward the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I came into your house.
You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair.
You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet.
You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins
have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."
Then Jesus said to her, "Your sins are forgiven."
go in peace.