Frustrated
asphyxiateit: I'm not going to school tomorrow
asphyxiateit: my mother just called me and she said I should take NyQuil and that I wouldn't have to
asphyxiateit: which pretty much made my life
Baal159: That's very good.
asphyxiateit: I feel like I'm copping out
asphyxiateit: like, today
asphyxiateit: with my exams
asphyxiateit: I don't want my teachers to think I'm just trying to not take tests
Baal159: I don't think that's what they'll think.
Baal159: You've been out of it the past few days, and at least a few people know that you're actually sick.
asphyxiateit: people ask me why I wasn't at such-and-such exam or where I was during class, and they expect some flippant answer
asphyxiateit: someone asked me where I was during calc, and I said guidance, and then where I was during physics, and I said guidance again
asphyxiateit: Hagy asked here I was during health and I said guidance, and he asked "All period?" and I said "Yes"
asphyxiateit: I don't know how I'd be right now if you weren't here for me throughout all of this
asphyxiateit: whenever I get really upset over Brandon I feel like I need you somehow, even if it's just thinking of the things you've told me
Baal159: I'm just glad I'm able to help.
asphyxiateit: You're very important to me
asphyxiateit: I love you very much
Baal159: <3
asphyxiateit: did I tell you what happened with Mike?
asphyxiateit: or what happened on New Year's?
asphyxiateit: you kind of have to know the latter to understand the former
Baal159: New Year's, yeah.
Baal159: I'm not sure of exactly what happened with Mike in regards to that, though.
asphyxiateit: we talked about it last week in greater detail than the first time I "told" him, and he was perturbed about it but we worked it out, and I thought things were fine
asphyxiateit: last night after I got done "talking" with my mother, I had Branden over to study calc and hang out, and I got a call from him
asphyxiateit: I was expecting to just talk on the phone like normal and tell him about this fucking terrible week I've been having, because that's what you do with your boyfriend/girlfriend
asphyxiateit: but he told me that he was in a really down/bad mood, and he figured out it was because of the New Year's thing
asphyxiateit: and I was just shocked, and my stomach dropped, because when we talked about it things were fine, and that was just the last thing I expected after everything that's been going on
asphyxiateit: I told him that I was sorry and that I just didn't know what to say, because I was dead and worn out at that point, and he told me he didn't want to talk and he'd call me on Friday
asphyxiateit: because we were supposed to hang out with friends
asphyxiateit: so after that I threw my phone in frustration and said "SCREW THIS."
asphyxiateit: he told me he was "kind of" mad at me and that he needed to focus on work because he gets into these bad moods and doesn't want to do anything
asphyxiateit: and I was still in disbelief at the irony of that statement, and I told him "I know what you mean."
asphyxiateit: it was the one thing that just made me snap, and I started to feel more numb than sad
asphyxiateit: and since then everything is sort of muddled, like some kind of defense mechanism because if one more thing goes wrong I think I'm going to snap
Baal159: I understand.
asphyxiateit: I feel kind of pissed off now, and it makes me feel like an asshole because it's not that justified; I just feel like we talked about it last week and things were okay, and I just wanted him to be there because I really needed that, and the exact opposite happened
asphyxiateit: and it's not like he meant that to happen or that he can help it, but I'm still really frustrated and I just don't want to deal with any more shit
Baal159: Not frustrated with him though, right?
Baal159: More the timing, and whatnot.
asphyxiateit: I think so
asphyxiateit: I know it's my fault about the New Year's thing
asphyxiateit: he was a down mood when I saw him on Tuesday, but I made him feel better. I just wasn't expecting him to be upset with me about it and not want to talk to me, especially after I thought we worked it out.
asphyxiateit: I feel mad but that's unjustified, and I feel like I want to talk but at the same time I don't
Baal159: I think it may just be better to give him a little space for a couple days.
asphyxiateit: I don't intend on doing anything else
asphyxiateit: I have no desire to approach him if I feel this way
asphyxiateit: I feel like enough of a jackass without saying something that confirms it
asphyxiateit: I used to think I was a pretty good girlfriend, but lately I don't know
asphyxiateit: everything is fucked up lately
asphyxiateit: I was thinking about it today, and I got kind of angry at Brandon for not wanting me to tell my parents for so long
asphyxiateit: according to him he was okay with me telling them around this one week we wanted him to come down here, but I couldn't just spring that on my parents if he was visiting, so I felt like my hands were tied
asphyxiateit: but I don't know if that's just me looking for a scapegoat to be angry at
asphyxiateit: I was just thinking of how shitty of a position not telling them put me in, especially for so long, and how I would have been okay with it but I never did because I was waiting for Brandon to feel comfortable with it. Or maybe I'm just re-writing history.
Baal159: Little of both, maybe. I can understand his not wanting you to because of the age thing, but I think by explicitly telling you not to - as if you need his permission to do anything - he kind of showed what he was about.
Baal159: I don't know.
Baal159: I'm not sure it's worth beating yourself up over that now, either.
asphyxiateit: I'm not, it was just a passing thought
Baal159: Alright.