Pictures

[imatictac]

I want my dad back. Right now I am looking at a picture taken ages ago. It was before my siblings, before this hellish house, before Evelyn. It was when it was only my dad and me. We are both smiling in the picture, with me dressed in a blantantly 1990's sweater and my dad in a suit with a wannabe mullet. My hair was blondish and straight back then, and his was black. And at that time it was me and him. Me and my daddy. Where did that go now? Did I lose it when his love went from me to Evelyn? Was it when we left my old "home" in Totowa and moved into the one story ranch in Parsippany? Did my dad grow away from me as his hair got shorter as mine got longer? Did the love fade as his hair turned grey and mine turned brown? Or perhaps it is when my hair curled did I seperate from him and take my mother's characteristics. I feel that every day my dad and I age we grow farther apart. I become less and less like him each passing moment. Now I sit in the silence of a house. The silence that only I can hear. My stepmother does not talk to me, nor I to her. My father has picked up the habit and now I am fully excommunicated. The burden of a car that my father dumped on me is pushing me towards debt. I tried to talk to him about it and all he said was "then sell it." And that is all. He doesn't seem to care about me at all anymore. I feel as an annoying aquaintance rather than a son. When I tell him about school or ask him about work all I receive in return are coldone word responses. I am enveloped in a sickening silence and seclusion that is taking it's toll on me. I break down in tears almost every night wondering where I can find a family who loves me. Where I can feel love. I miss my dad... I miss my mom... and at the moment. I have no mom, and I have no dad. Now I feel a saddening darkness coming over me. I don't want my life like this. I want love.

I'm okay. I'm not okay, I'm not o-fucking-kay.