The inch stretches like a mile
Into a dark tunnel that I've no desire to crawl through, that I see no clear reason to want to emerge from intact.
It's an interesting thing, the disintegration of will and passion and all the things you thought made up who you were. Because at the root of it all, you were probably unchanged. At the core of it, you are tonight what you were when you woke up this morning. Except what you do doesn't quite align anymore; except you realize that what the world wants and what you want and what you think you want because the world has been so kind to suggest and recommend and push and guide--you realize that none of these things match.
And so while it isn't quite true that your past four years have been a waste (you're still getting a degree, you still learned, you still grew), there's an undeniable lack of any reason to push even further than what you need to get by.
Mediocrity is an awful excuse for anything, but it doesn't matter if you don't even care for that anymore, or don't care for those who do.
See, thing is, last night I was uncomfortable enough to jump in front of incoming traffic, to walk along the dark streets just to see how long it would take for a pickpocket to snatch my phone, for some mugger to decide to push a knife by my bag, my neck, my side. And I would push back, or so I felt last night. I would push back and call their bluff and make some of my own because there was nothing else to do. It has all been this moment and that, this test and that QPI. And now. Well.
What now?
So, the truth is, I'm still not so shallow as to not have studied because you didn't allow me to do so at his place. I didn't study because I couldn't understand on my own and, despite the fact that we end up arguing when we discuss logic and math and philosophy, he is the only one who would've bothered to teach me, who I wouldn't have been afraid to question, who wouldn't have been offending in pushing right back.
The truth is: what's the point in studying when clearly nobody cares enough to get you there? What's the point in passing an exam I never would've gone for on my own when the very people who wanted me to learn it have decided that I can do fine on my own, yes, and it doesn't matter that I can, because I no longer want to and so far (with the test a mere 10 hours 45 minutes away and with 4 hours of that being for class) I still cannot find enough reason within me to push.
---
Figures that my first post after well over a year would be so angry/angsty/confused.
Hello, world. What have you been up to?
I miss you.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.