It is starting to hit me...
I am sitting here alone in my room once again. I am working on one of my last assignments for one of my last classes of my college career. And it is starting to hit me really hard. For the longest time I have been trying to deny it. When ever the topic comes up I just change the subject, but I think it is time to just face it and deal. I just wish it were that easy. This may be one of those times where I write to empty my mind....
The only way I can describe this past year is a roller coaster. My relationships with people here, my family, and people at home have been going up and down so much that it is out of control. When I walk out of here for the last time many of those relationships will end on a high note, but unfortunately, some will end at the bottom of the hill. I wish I didn’t have to say that, but it’s the truth. I still cannot quite contemplate all of the different things that have occurred my last year here and I wish I could say I understood everything that has happened. I have been trying really hard lately to stop being so selfish and try to concentrate more of my energies on those people I love. I don’t know if I have been so successful with this. For so long I have been working so hard just to make sure I am able to survive. I have been trying so hard just to take care of my self that I because selfish and bitchy. I am really not sure if anyone actually reads this anymore, and I guess that part really doesn’t matter, but incase people do I want to take this opportunity to apologize. I want to apologize for anything that I have said or done that may have hurt anyone. I never intended to hurt anyone with anything that I may have said, and if I have I am sorry. I am not proud of some of the things I have said, or at least how they came of to the people that have heard them, but I have come to the point that I need to stand behind what I feel. I have been working really hard to express myself in a more honest way. I have been trying to do good for myself by not keeping things hidden deep down until it gets to the point where I am just difficult to be around and blowing up at people. I guess I have realized that there is no perfect way. For some reason I have this idea that if I act a certain way or become a certain person that I will somehow live in a perfect world. I guess I am starting to realize that is never going to happen. I just wish I knew what I am supposed to do or what I am supposed to think. At this point I just feel like an outsider no matter who I am with. For a really long time I had a relationship with a person that I guess many people were jealous of, but I guess I made a mistake. I put too much energy into one person and while I was doing that all of my other friends moved on in a way. Now that my relationship seems to have disappeared I feel like I have been desperately searching for a way to replace what I have lost and I just can’t seem to figure out how. Don’t get me wrong, I have A LOT of amazing friends and I love them all dearly, but I just feel like I came along just a little bit too late. I don’t know the inside jokes, I am the odd man out, and I just don’t quite fit into the place that was made for me. I guess this would be the perfect time for me to be moving on like I am, but for some reason I just don’t feel quite ready. I feel like I am still missing something and that my time here still isn’t quite finished. But what do I do? I have watched so many people grow and change this year and they are all better people because of it. I am so proud of them all for everything they have accomplished and for who they have become. I just wish I could say the same things about myself. I feel like I have taken two steps backwards while everyone else has taken three forward. Wow... I think I need a Pepsi.... Damn sold out... I guess Dr. Pepper will have to do.
Ok so back to it I guess.... I have been trying really hard to break down the bubble that I have been living in. My bubble helps me keep people away so they don’t get to close and can’t hurt me. I realized that this is not the best thing for me, but it is the only thing I have known for a long time. It seems as if a few people have scratched their way through my bubble, and I love them for it, but now I know that I will have to leave and I won’t be coming back. You would think that after doing this three times already that I would be used to it, but this time is different. When I drive out of Winona a few days from now I will be leaving for good. I know I will be back a few times next semester and of course I have to come back for graduation, but it just doesn’t seem like enough to look forward to. I know that when I leave that will be the end. When everyone comes back next year I will be the furthest thought in their mind and I know that it is probably best that way, but I still would like to think that in some small way I made my mark here, I just don’t know how that is. I know that I haven’t done anything special, so why do I even think these things. It just seems as if people are gradually starting to forget me already. I always wanted to be remembered for something... I don’t know what, but for something. I have begun to realize that I truly am just ordinary and I will just have to deal with that. I will take the memories I have made this year with me, and just hope that I will not be forgotten entirely. I guess this is the best that I can ask for.
It seems that no matter what I do and no matter what happens everything seems to come back to what has been going on with my father, or what hasn’t been as the case may be currently. When I went to Angie’s father’s funeral on Friday I realized a lot of things. I sat there listening to the eulogy. He was talking about how much Angie was loved by her father and all of the things they used to do together. I just couldn’t help myself… it brought tears to my eyes. I started to think about my dad and all of the things we used to do together and the relationship we used to have. Sometimes I wish I never did what and that it wasn’t entirely my fault. I wonder what things would be like right now if it all had never happened. I wonder what my life would be like. I know that I shouldn’t be living by would’ve and should’ve, but I just can’t seem to help it sometimes. I looked at Angie and I saw how hard it was for her to deal with all of this. I can completely understand how tough it is on her, but then it got me thinking. Our two situations are completely different, and I don’t mean to compare them, but at the same time I wonder if she is hurting in the same way I do. Both of us have lost out fathers, but her dad didn’t leave on his own. God chose him and said it was time for him to go. On the other hand, my dad just decided to leave. He chose drugs and alcohol over me and yet again is too damn stubborn to apologize or ever admit that he made a mistake. He left on his own. It was his choice and he made it. I just wish there were something I could do. I know that I am doing what is best for me right now, but I just don’t understand how what is best can still hurt so badly. I just with I didn’t feel so rejected sometimes. I guess the way I see it is that if even my father rejects me I should expect everyone else should to. I feel like I have come to deal with the rejection well by now. But the sad part about it is that I just come to expect it. I don’t fight for the things that I want because I have already decided that I am not going to get it so what is the point in even trying. I just don’t even know for sure. I know that I still try with some things, but I have given up completely on others. They say you find what you are looking for when you least expect it so maybe this is the best way to think about it all anyway. Who knows? I wish someone would just come along and tell me what I am supposed to be doing. What I am supposed to think of everything and what I should expect out of my life. I really feel like I have too high expectations for half of the things in my life and too low for others. This has also become very apparent to me, but I am not so sure what to do about any of this. I just really don’t know where to go. I really feel like right now the best thing for me to do is to just go somewhere completely foreign to me. Somewhere where I don’t know anyone and where I can just start all over. I guess the hard part about that is I just don’t quite know where to start.
Some part of me wishes that I was born 50 years ago. That way everything would be planed out for me. I would be married by now to some farmer’s son that lives miles down the road. I would have probably popped out two or three kids by now. I know I wouldn’t have experienced all of the things that I want to experience in my life, but at least I would know my role. I would know that I was doing what I was mean to do. I guess I really hate the not knowing. I just want to know that my future will hold all of the things that I hope it does. I don’t want to know all of the aspects of it, but I kind of want to look thirty years ahead and just see where I am and what I am doing. I need to know that someday I will be happy and actually know that I am happy. Right now I don’t know if I am happy. I have days where I know that I am. There are also days where I know that I am not. Then there are days where I have no idea how I really feel about anything. I just want to be happy. Can someone please show me how I can do that? I have been trying for so long that I just don’t know what options are left. I thought I had it figured out at one point in time, but I wasn’t given the option to find out to see if I was right. Maybe once I get into my school and I start teaching I will finally know if I am on the right track. I just wish that there were some sort of guarantee. Everyone else seems to be moving on to the next chapters in their lives. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I do the same? I wish I knew… I wish I knew.
I never knew that I could write so much about absolutely nothing, but I guess I can. I just wish I wasn’t so unsure of everything. I wish that I had some sort of a sign telling me that someday all of this will be worth it. I have concentrated so much of my energy on becoming a good person that I could be proud of, and I believe that in some ways I have achieved that, but then I see people that have not done all of the things that I have tried to do get everything that I want. Why is it that I have to try so hard for everything I get and other people just have things handed to them? I know that I should appreciate the things that I do have more than other people because I did work so hard for them, but for once in my life I just want something to be easy. I wasn’t to just sit back and let things happen. I wish that I didn’t feel the need to control everything sometimes. I want to have more of a laze faire attitude about things, but I just need to have control. I need to know that I have control of the things that I can so I don’t stress out so much about the things that I don’t. I really don’t think this is working so well for me. I really feel like I need stability and I just don’t know where I can find that. My mind is just spinning right now and I don’t know how to stop it. I can’t be productive right now. I can’t get anything done. I am just glad that I only have a few last things to complete because otherwise I just don’t know what I would do. It would be really easy if I could just sleep through the next week or so and it would all just be over. I just want some of this to be over. But I don’t want it to end. I wish I made sense to myself right now because I have no clue. I’m done.
Maybe it is time for it to end. I am just not so sure I can let go…
The only way I can describe this past year is a roller coaster. My relationships with people here, my family, and people at home have been going up and down so much that it is out of control. When I walk out of here for the last time many of those relationships will end on a high note, but unfortunately, some will end at the bottom of the hill. I wish I didn’t have to say that, but it’s the truth. I still cannot quite contemplate all of the different things that have occurred my last year here and I wish I could say I understood everything that has happened. I have been trying really hard lately to stop being so selfish and try to concentrate more of my energies on those people I love. I don’t know if I have been so successful with this. For so long I have been working so hard just to make sure I am able to survive. I have been trying so hard just to take care of my self that I because selfish and bitchy. I am really not sure if anyone actually reads this anymore, and I guess that part really doesn’t matter, but incase people do I want to take this opportunity to apologize. I want to apologize for anything that I have said or done that may have hurt anyone. I never intended to hurt anyone with anything that I may have said, and if I have I am sorry. I am not proud of some of the things I have said, or at least how they came of to the people that have heard them, but I have come to the point that I need to stand behind what I feel. I have been working really hard to express myself in a more honest way. I have been trying to do good for myself by not keeping things hidden deep down until it gets to the point where I am just difficult to be around and blowing up at people. I guess I have realized that there is no perfect way. For some reason I have this idea that if I act a certain way or become a certain person that I will somehow live in a perfect world. I guess I am starting to realize that is never going to happen. I just wish I knew what I am supposed to do or what I am supposed to think. At this point I just feel like an outsider no matter who I am with. For a really long time I had a relationship with a person that I guess many people were jealous of, but I guess I made a mistake. I put too much energy into one person and while I was doing that all of my other friends moved on in a way. Now that my relationship seems to have disappeared I feel like I have been desperately searching for a way to replace what I have lost and I just can’t seem to figure out how. Don’t get me wrong, I have A LOT of amazing friends and I love them all dearly, but I just feel like I came along just a little bit too late. I don’t know the inside jokes, I am the odd man out, and I just don’t quite fit into the place that was made for me. I guess this would be the perfect time for me to be moving on like I am, but for some reason I just don’t feel quite ready. I feel like I am still missing something and that my time here still isn’t quite finished. But what do I do? I have watched so many people grow and change this year and they are all better people because of it. I am so proud of them all for everything they have accomplished and for who they have become. I just wish I could say the same things about myself. I feel like I have taken two steps backwards while everyone else has taken three forward. Wow... I think I need a Pepsi.... Damn sold out... I guess Dr. Pepper will have to do.
Ok so back to it I guess.... I have been trying really hard to break down the bubble that I have been living in. My bubble helps me keep people away so they don’t get to close and can’t hurt me. I realized that this is not the best thing for me, but it is the only thing I have known for a long time. It seems as if a few people have scratched their way through my bubble, and I love them for it, but now I know that I will have to leave and I won’t be coming back. You would think that after doing this three times already that I would be used to it, but this time is different. When I drive out of Winona a few days from now I will be leaving for good. I know I will be back a few times next semester and of course I have to come back for graduation, but it just doesn’t seem like enough to look forward to. I know that when I leave that will be the end. When everyone comes back next year I will be the furthest thought in their mind and I know that it is probably best that way, but I still would like to think that in some small way I made my mark here, I just don’t know how that is. I know that I haven’t done anything special, so why do I even think these things. It just seems as if people are gradually starting to forget me already. I always wanted to be remembered for something... I don’t know what, but for something. I have begun to realize that I truly am just ordinary and I will just have to deal with that. I will take the memories I have made this year with me, and just hope that I will not be forgotten entirely. I guess this is the best that I can ask for.
It seems that no matter what I do and no matter what happens everything seems to come back to what has been going on with my father, or what hasn’t been as the case may be currently. When I went to Angie’s father’s funeral on Friday I realized a lot of things. I sat there listening to the eulogy. He was talking about how much Angie was loved by her father and all of the things they used to do together. I just couldn’t help myself… it brought tears to my eyes. I started to think about my dad and all of the things we used to do together and the relationship we used to have. Sometimes I wish I never did what and that it wasn’t entirely my fault. I wonder what things would be like right now if it all had never happened. I wonder what my life would be like. I know that I shouldn’t be living by would’ve and should’ve, but I just can’t seem to help it sometimes. I looked at Angie and I saw how hard it was for her to deal with all of this. I can completely understand how tough it is on her, but then it got me thinking. Our two situations are completely different, and I don’t mean to compare them, but at the same time I wonder if she is hurting in the same way I do. Both of us have lost out fathers, but her dad didn’t leave on his own. God chose him and said it was time for him to go. On the other hand, my dad just decided to leave. He chose drugs and alcohol over me and yet again is too damn stubborn to apologize or ever admit that he made a mistake. He left on his own. It was his choice and he made it. I just wish there were something I could do. I know that I am doing what is best for me right now, but I just don’t understand how what is best can still hurt so badly. I just with I didn’t feel so rejected sometimes. I guess the way I see it is that if even my father rejects me I should expect everyone else should to. I feel like I have come to deal with the rejection well by now. But the sad part about it is that I just come to expect it. I don’t fight for the things that I want because I have already decided that I am not going to get it so what is the point in even trying. I just don’t even know for sure. I know that I still try with some things, but I have given up completely on others. They say you find what you are looking for when you least expect it so maybe this is the best way to think about it all anyway. Who knows? I wish someone would just come along and tell me what I am supposed to be doing. What I am supposed to think of everything and what I should expect out of my life. I really feel like I have too high expectations for half of the things in my life and too low for others. This has also become very apparent to me, but I am not so sure what to do about any of this. I just really don’t know where to go. I really feel like right now the best thing for me to do is to just go somewhere completely foreign to me. Somewhere where I don’t know anyone and where I can just start all over. I guess the hard part about that is I just don’t quite know where to start.
Some part of me wishes that I was born 50 years ago. That way everything would be planed out for me. I would be married by now to some farmer’s son that lives miles down the road. I would have probably popped out two or three kids by now. I know I wouldn’t have experienced all of the things that I want to experience in my life, but at least I would know my role. I would know that I was doing what I was mean to do. I guess I really hate the not knowing. I just want to know that my future will hold all of the things that I hope it does. I don’t want to know all of the aspects of it, but I kind of want to look thirty years ahead and just see where I am and what I am doing. I need to know that someday I will be happy and actually know that I am happy. Right now I don’t know if I am happy. I have days where I know that I am. There are also days where I know that I am not. Then there are days where I have no idea how I really feel about anything. I just want to be happy. Can someone please show me how I can do that? I have been trying for so long that I just don’t know what options are left. I thought I had it figured out at one point in time, but I wasn’t given the option to find out to see if I was right. Maybe once I get into my school and I start teaching I will finally know if I am on the right track. I just wish that there were some sort of guarantee. Everyone else seems to be moving on to the next chapters in their lives. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I do the same? I wish I knew… I wish I knew.
I never knew that I could write so much about absolutely nothing, but I guess I can. I just wish I wasn’t so unsure of everything. I wish that I had some sort of a sign telling me that someday all of this will be worth it. I have concentrated so much of my energy on becoming a good person that I could be proud of, and I believe that in some ways I have achieved that, but then I see people that have not done all of the things that I have tried to do get everything that I want. Why is it that I have to try so hard for everything I get and other people just have things handed to them? I know that I should appreciate the things that I do have more than other people because I did work so hard for them, but for once in my life I just want something to be easy. I wasn’t to just sit back and let things happen. I wish that I didn’t feel the need to control everything sometimes. I want to have more of a laze faire attitude about things, but I just need to have control. I need to know that I have control of the things that I can so I don’t stress out so much about the things that I don’t. I really don’t think this is working so well for me. I really feel like I need stability and I just don’t know where I can find that. My mind is just spinning right now and I don’t know how to stop it. I can’t be productive right now. I can’t get anything done. I am just glad that I only have a few last things to complete because otherwise I just don’t know what I would do. It would be really easy if I could just sleep through the next week or so and it would all just be over. I just want some of this to be over. But I don’t want it to end. I wish I made sense to myself right now because I have no clue. I’m done.
Maybe it is time for it to end. I am just not so sure I can let go…