Its been a while...
It has been a rather long time since I have written a legitimate entry so lets see what I got.
I am sitting here trying to prepare myself for one of the most important tests of my school career.... well, two tests actually. On tuesday I have to take my exam for my Professional Educator class. I have to achieve 40 out of 50 on the exam to be eligible for graduation. Talk about pressure. Then on saturday I have to sit through 6 hours of testing for my Praxis II test. These three tests are all required for my teaching licensure. If I do not perform well on these tests I will not be able to be eligible for a teaching license.. more pressure! With all of this weight on my back right now you would think that I would be buckling down and trying to get shit done. Believe me, that is what I should be doing, but for some reason I just cannot make myself do it. I know the importance of these tests and I know what is at stake, but I still just cant do it... It makes me wonder why.
Why is it that when life seems like it is finally coming together, time begins to run out? I guess what I mean is, in some aspects of my life here at school I feel like things are finally starting to work out, but then for how long? In less than a month everything I have known for the past for years will be completely gone. I know that I am not graduating yet and I know that all of the people I have met here will be just a phone call away, but for some reason it just doesnt seem fair. This year especially I have met some truly amazing people and made some friends that I know will be there for a long time, but it just doesnt seem fair that I will be leaving and they will be here with the rest of their college careers ahead of them. I know I shouldnt, but in so many ways I am envious of them all. I know, I had my chance, and I am not going to say it wasnt amazing, I just dont feel like it is time for it to be over. Its like ending a story before it has really ended. Is there going to be a sequel to this chapter in my life? I know that it isnt over until it is over and graduation is a long time off yet (December 16th if I havent mentioned that recently) but it just feels like it is coming to an end in a different way than I am used to. Who knows.
I just think it is so weird that I am so excited to actually graduate but I just am not quite ready to leave. Is that insane of me? I feel like there are so many things that are unfinished right now (in my relationships with my friends here) and I dont know if I will have time to finish them all. I think I am putting myself in denial or something. I dont even know if any of this is making sense, I am just writing the words that pop in my head. I am sorry to who ever reads this if it makes no sense. This is very therapeutic to me right now.
Maybe it all comes back to my fear of being alone. It sounds to pathetic to say that and it angers me more than anything when I say it out loud but it is true. I am afraid to be alone. I dont know how I can be so independent but be afraid of being alone. I dont mean physically alone, I mean emotionally alone if that makes sense. Right now I feel more alone that I ever have before and I am so angry with myself for that because right now I have so many people that openly tell me that they care about me. I just feel so unappreciative of them when I feel this way but for some reason I just cant quite help it.
I feel like I am going to that place again and I know I just cant go back there. I only hope that I am strong enough to stop it and if im not that I will be able to ask for help when I have trouble getting out. I know for sure that this will confuse those who read this and that is because you have no idea what I am talking about. The truth is no one does. No one ever does. There are a very small handful who where there with me and stuck with me when I was trying to pull myself out. I love those people form the bottom of my heart and I know that I owe them my life. But the truth of it is that they are not around anymore, sure they are still my friends and I know that they still love me and would be there for me in a second, but they have their own lives now and it is not at all fair for me to interfere in that. I dont ever what to do that or become a burden on them. I just hope that I was able to learn from them and that I will be able to get through this on my own. It is really sad to me when I feel like the only person I can truly count on is my self especially when I know that there are people not too far away right now that would be there for me any time I asked. Why am I so selfish? Why cant I truly appreciate what I have?
I am sitting here trying to prepare myself for one of the most important tests of my school career.... well, two tests actually. On tuesday I have to take my exam for my Professional Educator class. I have to achieve 40 out of 50 on the exam to be eligible for graduation. Talk about pressure. Then on saturday I have to sit through 6 hours of testing for my Praxis II test. These three tests are all required for my teaching licensure. If I do not perform well on these tests I will not be able to be eligible for a teaching license.. more pressure! With all of this weight on my back right now you would think that I would be buckling down and trying to get shit done. Believe me, that is what I should be doing, but for some reason I just cannot make myself do it. I know the importance of these tests and I know what is at stake, but I still just cant do it... It makes me wonder why.
Why is it that when life seems like it is finally coming together, time begins to run out? I guess what I mean is, in some aspects of my life here at school I feel like things are finally starting to work out, but then for how long? In less than a month everything I have known for the past for years will be completely gone. I know that I am not graduating yet and I know that all of the people I have met here will be just a phone call away, but for some reason it just doesnt seem fair. This year especially I have met some truly amazing people and made some friends that I know will be there for a long time, but it just doesnt seem fair that I will be leaving and they will be here with the rest of their college careers ahead of them. I know I shouldnt, but in so many ways I am envious of them all. I know, I had my chance, and I am not going to say it wasnt amazing, I just dont feel like it is time for it to be over. Its like ending a story before it has really ended. Is there going to be a sequel to this chapter in my life? I know that it isnt over until it is over and graduation is a long time off yet (December 16th if I havent mentioned that recently) but it just feels like it is coming to an end in a different way than I am used to. Who knows.
I just think it is so weird that I am so excited to actually graduate but I just am not quite ready to leave. Is that insane of me? I feel like there are so many things that are unfinished right now (in my relationships with my friends here) and I dont know if I will have time to finish them all. I think I am putting myself in denial or something. I dont even know if any of this is making sense, I am just writing the words that pop in my head. I am sorry to who ever reads this if it makes no sense. This is very therapeutic to me right now.
Maybe it all comes back to my fear of being alone. It sounds to pathetic to say that and it angers me more than anything when I say it out loud but it is true. I am afraid to be alone. I dont know how I can be so independent but be afraid of being alone. I dont mean physically alone, I mean emotionally alone if that makes sense. Right now I feel more alone that I ever have before and I am so angry with myself for that because right now I have so many people that openly tell me that they care about me. I just feel so unappreciative of them when I feel this way but for some reason I just cant quite help it.
I feel like I am going to that place again and I know I just cant go back there. I only hope that I am strong enough to stop it and if im not that I will be able to ask for help when I have trouble getting out. I know for sure that this will confuse those who read this and that is because you have no idea what I am talking about. The truth is no one does. No one ever does. There are a very small handful who where there with me and stuck with me when I was trying to pull myself out. I love those people form the bottom of my heart and I know that I owe them my life. But the truth of it is that they are not around anymore, sure they are still my friends and I know that they still love me and would be there for me in a second, but they have their own lives now and it is not at all fair for me to interfere in that. I dont ever what to do that or become a burden on them. I just hope that I was able to learn from them and that I will be able to get through this on my own. It is really sad to me when I feel like the only person I can truly count on is my self especially when I know that there are people not too far away right now that would be there for me any time I asked. Why am I so selfish? Why cant I truly appreciate what I have?