Out of focus
So now that I have given this sin to God, and have confessed it to the two people that I lied to... I can not stop focusing on it.
The other person I lied to was Craig. I texted him and left messages for him on his voicemail and instant messenger. And now I wait. I don't know if he has received them yet, or what is going on. I don't know if he hates me right now. And I don't know if he wants to ever speak to me again. God tells me he will forgive me, but I do not know how long this forgiveness will take. All I want to do is continuously call Craig and find out what is going on. Is he surfing? Is he riding his skate board and dealing with terrible feelings of betrayal? Does he know how much I am earnestly regretful? But I know I can not call him in such a manor. I have done all that God has asked me to do with this sin, and now I must wait upon God. I know God is working in Craig's life right now, as I type, in strange ways. And I know I must not rush the Lord's work. But yet I am staring at the pot, waiting for water to boil. So many times during the day I get the song from The Nightmare Before Christmas stuck in my head... "What have I done? What have I done?..." It's so appropriate for the way I feel. What have I done? Craig is truly my brother and his family is my second family. If he choses to, he can truly strip that away from me. And I do not doubt that I deserve this. Not only did I betray Craig but I also betrayed his whole family. They would know how terrible I am. They would see me, and for that they could easily walk away from me and never want anything to do with me. I understand that these things are what I deserve. I understand the hatred Mr and Mrs Haebe would have for me, that I would do such a terrible thing. That I am nothing what they thought I was. And I understand that Cathy, Craig's little sister, would lose all respect for me. I see these things. And I know what I should expect.
And yet I am so hopeful. I am so hopeful, just waiting for the Lord. Will the pot boil into an environment where the tumultous steam rises to feed the strongest friendship I have ever shared? Or will the steam cook the friendship, breaking down the bonds held for so long? And so I wait for the Lord. I am in the Lord's hands, and I am staring into His face as a puppy stares into it's new master's eyes: scared, yet somehow secure. I am in the Lord's hands and I have the strongest relationship, so if all of the Haebe's saw me as terrible... I would be OK for I am in the Lord's hands and no one can change that, not even my own sin. And if Craig forgave me, I would rejoice in His provision and His blessings... knowing that my friendships are truly His blessing because without Him all of this would have fallen apart in an instant.
No matter what, I will rejoice in the Lord.
I want to thank Rachel and Jen for letting me share with them last night. You two are beautiful. And I am so thankful for each of our fellowships, and the sisterhood shared as one lifted to Christ. Fellowship is truly one of the biggest blessings that our Lord provides for us. I thank the Lord ultimately, for the hearts of each of my friends. For the heart of Troy, of Rachel, and of Jen. For these people only love me because you love them. Lord thank you for giving me a family in Your name. And thank You for being my everything. God I am truly living off of your grace and your love right now, for nothing in this earth can sustain me in such a way as does your word and your provision. I love you and pray I may serve you for all of my days. May everyday be for your glory!
The other person I lied to was Craig. I texted him and left messages for him on his voicemail and instant messenger. And now I wait. I don't know if he has received them yet, or what is going on. I don't know if he hates me right now. And I don't know if he wants to ever speak to me again. God tells me he will forgive me, but I do not know how long this forgiveness will take. All I want to do is continuously call Craig and find out what is going on. Is he surfing? Is he riding his skate board and dealing with terrible feelings of betrayal? Does he know how much I am earnestly regretful? But I know I can not call him in such a manor. I have done all that God has asked me to do with this sin, and now I must wait upon God. I know God is working in Craig's life right now, as I type, in strange ways. And I know I must not rush the Lord's work. But yet I am staring at the pot, waiting for water to boil. So many times during the day I get the song from The Nightmare Before Christmas stuck in my head... "What have I done? What have I done?..." It's so appropriate for the way I feel. What have I done? Craig is truly my brother and his family is my second family. If he choses to, he can truly strip that away from me. And I do not doubt that I deserve this. Not only did I betray Craig but I also betrayed his whole family. They would know how terrible I am. They would see me, and for that they could easily walk away from me and never want anything to do with me. I understand that these things are what I deserve. I understand the hatred Mr and Mrs Haebe would have for me, that I would do such a terrible thing. That I am nothing what they thought I was. And I understand that Cathy, Craig's little sister, would lose all respect for me. I see these things. And I know what I should expect.
And yet I am so hopeful. I am so hopeful, just waiting for the Lord. Will the pot boil into an environment where the tumultous steam rises to feed the strongest friendship I have ever shared? Or will the steam cook the friendship, breaking down the bonds held for so long? And so I wait for the Lord. I am in the Lord's hands, and I am staring into His face as a puppy stares into it's new master's eyes: scared, yet somehow secure. I am in the Lord's hands and I have the strongest relationship, so if all of the Haebe's saw me as terrible... I would be OK for I am in the Lord's hands and no one can change that, not even my own sin. And if Craig forgave me, I would rejoice in His provision and His blessings... knowing that my friendships are truly His blessing because without Him all of this would have fallen apart in an instant.
No matter what, I will rejoice in the Lord.
I want to thank Rachel and Jen for letting me share with them last night. You two are beautiful. And I am so thankful for each of our fellowships, and the sisterhood shared as one lifted to Christ. Fellowship is truly one of the biggest blessings that our Lord provides for us. I thank the Lord ultimately, for the hearts of each of my friends. For the heart of Troy, of Rachel, and of Jen. For these people only love me because you love them. Lord thank you for giving me a family in Your name. And thank You for being my everything. God I am truly living off of your grace and your love right now, for nothing in this earth can sustain me in such a way as does your word and your provision. I love you and pray I may serve you for all of my days. May everyday be for your glory!