It Hurts Like A Bitch
i can't really figure out why i am the way i am. i call myself socially retarded, but the truth is i'm just fucking weird and awkward. i don't make sense to anyone. sometimes that's a good thing, most times it cuts like a fucking knife, to be in a room full of people who look at you like a freak of nature. what's worse is having people who you really care about look at you that way, it's the worst feeling in the world. on a lighter note, i felt like killing myself today. i awoke at 5:00 am, cold as fuck on the hardest fucking couch in the world, and for no reason whatsoever i thought "i really want to kill myself." i walked to the bus stop to take my drunken ass home, listening to "hurt" by johnny cash, the most depressing song in the world, and i wanted to kill myself more. i don't care if you're the happiest fucking camper in the world, that song will make you want to cut your wrists. too many thoughts came over me at once, i couldn't control it, so my first instinct was to end it all easily. someone i really care about, who i'd never tell that because of my stubborn pride, was hurting and that hurt me far too much. she has to be the greatest person i have ever met and in the shortest period of time, she occupies a really special place in my heart. i'd give both my kidneys for her. someone else who i really care so much about could give a shit about me, and that hurt in an entirely different way. she too has my heart, but she probably doesn't want it. for the first time in a long time, i felt like i didn't belong there, they all did a very good job of making me feel like i didn't belong there. they judged the shit out of me. i was drunk as shit, but as drunk as everybody else gets around me all the time, i would never make them feel the way they made me feel, like i was fucking worthless, like some kind of abomination. i really just wanted to say "fuck all of you," but i wouldn't have meant it, it would have just been how i felt in that moment. i realized that a little distance is probably what i need, from these people who i probably don't know as well as i thought. i don't want to be around people who one second make me feel like the happiest person in the world, and the next make me feel like shit. i can't deal with having suicidal thoughts over bullshit. i don't want to bother with trying to clarify feelings that may or may not be there. i don't want to love people who don't love me, because despite being weird and awkward, i'm a pretty cool person, i don't do bad by anybody, at least i try not to, and i don't deserve to feel like this,...and neither does anyone else.