sprialing
i can feel it.
the post holiday slum. it's taking hold and sucking me down. don't get me wrong, i'm trying to fight it. 2007 started off as one of the best days i've had in a long time- no hangover, some freakin' ha-lair-ous stories and not a care in sight. (other than living down the stupid crap from the night before...lol).
perhpas it's the rain, the fact that it's been deary and dark in houston for 3 days straight now, i'm locked in the office doing absolutely nothing but staring at a grey wall. somehow though i can't find the time to think- i'm stiffled by being stuck here when i'd much rather be out in the open air where i can actually sort out what's dragging me down.
friends. i've always felt like an outsider....since jr high i've been struggling to be part of a group. no matter how it looked from the outside, i'm not sure how often i've felt like i've belonged. there's always a 'cooler' crowd, a more stylish way to dress... i just feel awkward in my skin. don't get me wrong- i know i'm not the only one, nor do i believe that my life is so terrible and my parents are to blame (please spare me the emo comparision) it's just that i need to vent about it- and i do wonder if we ever really feel like we fit in?
it's funny. if i knew with certianity that i would eventually find my 'someone', i don't think i'd be so concerned- but as i look back at my dating life i become more than a lil concerned- will there ever be someone for me? i'm quite happy being alone, i don't mesh well with being told what to do; or babysitting those that can do things for themselves if they would only try. my patience has run out with alot of ppl. i can't see the point to all the BS that is out there today- but that being said, i can't understand how so many of my friends find someone... are they settling?, are they really happy? who knows. but even with the open mind i've attempted to adopt i'm still running into walls ... should i have to deal with guys that when pouty literally kick me in the butt? (quite juvenile) guys with more issues than me and not willing to work on a single one of them? (perhaps to stressful for my life?) the creepy guys that don't seem to understand/take a hint that if i just met you, i'm not comfortable being alone with you (there ARE alot of weirdos out there)....sigh. it's not that i'm being superfical either- most of the guys i've talked to/dated in the past few months are definately not my 'types'- guys that don't look like what you'd expect out of me. but even they come with their own set of problems (sometimes worse than the assholes)... perhaps i like the assholes b/c i understand them, i am a bitch after all. and perhaps i need the challange of 'reining in' someone... it's true that i lose interest in those that let me walk all over them. (flip side i don't like to be bossed around).... the question out of all these meanderings is that i simply wonder if there ever will be someone out there for me. quirks and all. the loneliness is just getting annoying.