Short Story
I'm two blocks from work when I almost hit a cop. Walking. Not a walking cop, I am walking. He pulls in front of me and screeches to a stop, almost on my toes. I stand there, thinking about my poor toes. I know they aren't run over but I can't help feeling that they've been scared out of a year of their life. The cop climbs out, slamming his door behind him. I am still staring at my feet when a banana peel flops down in front of them. Just when I think that my morning couldn't be any more slapstick, the cop asks me, "Is this your banana peel?" The whole thing is just so absurd that I laugh aloud.
I begin doing the only thing I can do in a situation like this. I make jokes. "Well....I did lose one just like it a few days ago... but now that I think about it, this peel is a little more bruised than the one I lost. But I guess it'll do." I stoop down to pick it up, and the cop's big shiny boot stomps on it. Sighing, I stand back up. "I guess you can keep it..I can always get ..."
I stop short when I look at the cops face. His face is twisted into sort of a snarl, breathing hard from his nose. His mouth is pursed into a tiny ball. "I saw you throw this in the bushes back there. Don't try and deny it, it will only make things worse for you."
"It's biodegradeable."
Apparently this was the wrong thing to say. He put his angry red face right in mine, and said, "You think you are funny, don't you. You think you can just go through life, tossing your garbage everywhere and mommy will come along and clean it up. Well thats NOT the way it works."
I decide this is the time that my sarcastic routine has run out of landing strip. "Sorry." I stare down at my shoes. About this time the cop decides that the angry routine has also played out, and sighs.
"I will let you off with a warning. But don't do it again. Think about the consequences of your actions. What if some animal had come along and tried to eat this? It could have choked to death."
"Yes sir. Sorry sir," I say to my shoes. I am starting to feel the weight of mother nature on my shoulders, and they sag with guilt. Then suddenly, my head is filled with the image of a squirrel. It happens upon the peel, and stuffs the whole damn thing in its mouth. Only the end is sticking out when the furry little guy tries to swallow it. This look comes across his face like, "Oh shit, why did I do that?" His eyes bug out and he keels over. His little feet kick the air, twitch, and then fall still. Stupid squirrel.
I feel the huge grin spreading across my face as I imagine the squirrel's demise. I keep my eyes to the ground, knowing if I look up its all over. The cop asks me if I am alright.
I whisper, "Yes..I just feel so guilty." I choke up, biting my lip to keep from laughing. The cop takes this as my tremendous remorse.
"That's alright. I think you have learned your lesson. I will throw this away for you. Have yourself a good day miss. And remember, lets keep this a safe place for all of God's creatures."
The image of the squirrel pops back up, and it's all I can do from laughing. I nod. The cop tells me good day, gets in his car...and drives off. As soon as he is out of sight, I laugh until fat tears roll down my cheek. I pull a tissue out of my pocket and dry my eyes. I crumple it up and toss it over my shoulder and head off to work. Lets keep this a safe place for all of God's creatures.
I begin doing the only thing I can do in a situation like this. I make jokes. "Well....I did lose one just like it a few days ago... but now that I think about it, this peel is a little more bruised than the one I lost. But I guess it'll do." I stoop down to pick it up, and the cop's big shiny boot stomps on it. Sighing, I stand back up. "I guess you can keep it..I can always get ..."
I stop short when I look at the cops face. His face is twisted into sort of a snarl, breathing hard from his nose. His mouth is pursed into a tiny ball. "I saw you throw this in the bushes back there. Don't try and deny it, it will only make things worse for you."
"It's biodegradeable."
Apparently this was the wrong thing to say. He put his angry red face right in mine, and said, "You think you are funny, don't you. You think you can just go through life, tossing your garbage everywhere and mommy will come along and clean it up. Well thats NOT the way it works."
I decide this is the time that my sarcastic routine has run out of landing strip. "Sorry." I stare down at my shoes. About this time the cop decides that the angry routine has also played out, and sighs.
"I will let you off with a warning. But don't do it again. Think about the consequences of your actions. What if some animal had come along and tried to eat this? It could have choked to death."
"Yes sir. Sorry sir," I say to my shoes. I am starting to feel the weight of mother nature on my shoulders, and they sag with guilt. Then suddenly, my head is filled with the image of a squirrel. It happens upon the peel, and stuffs the whole damn thing in its mouth. Only the end is sticking out when the furry little guy tries to swallow it. This look comes across his face like, "Oh shit, why did I do that?" His eyes bug out and he keels over. His little feet kick the air, twitch, and then fall still. Stupid squirrel.
I feel the huge grin spreading across my face as I imagine the squirrel's demise. I keep my eyes to the ground, knowing if I look up its all over. The cop asks me if I am alright.
I whisper, "Yes..I just feel so guilty." I choke up, biting my lip to keep from laughing. The cop takes this as my tremendous remorse.
"That's alright. I think you have learned your lesson. I will throw this away for you. Have yourself a good day miss. And remember, lets keep this a safe place for all of God's creatures."
The image of the squirrel pops back up, and it's all I can do from laughing. I nod. The cop tells me good day, gets in his car...and drives off. As soon as he is out of sight, I laugh until fat tears roll down my cheek. I pull a tissue out of my pocket and dry my eyes. I crumple it up and toss it over my shoulder and head off to work. Lets keep this a safe place for all of God's creatures.