something's not right here...
last night james and i stopped talking to each other. we were both tired and cranky but it just got to the point where...i stormed off after the gig and made my own way home- well aware that james was about 10 metres behind me the whole way, but we didn't speak. we didn't even look at each other. sometimes this happens and then we both just get over it and move on to something else, but i am now at the point where i am realising that it's not just dramatics. it's...something. the kind of something that people look at when their relationship is over and think "how could i not see the signs?"
so apart from a brief exchange this morning, we havn't spoken. i am going out tonight for a drink with the band, so i will likely not speak to him tonight either. i am using this time to try and figure out WHAT exactly is wrong. but i can't put my finger on it. i am still in the "it's HIS fault" mindset. but i want to know what i can tell james when we speak tomorrow. because i think of we don't figure it out NOW...it may spell trouble. and maybe there's already trouble. because i have always felt like we are immune to "those" kind of marital problems, because we are intelligent enough to realise the pettiness of them, and we communicate.but i'm bgining to see that we were wrong.
some part of me thinks i rely on him too much. some part of me thinks i wasn't "lucky" to meet him as soon as i moved out, as i'd previously thought, because i never really had a chance or need to become totally independent. some part of me wants to forgo any kind of reliance upon him for anything, but that in itself is surely a symptom of the same problem.
and the worst thing is, on the face of it is seems to always be about money. i know there are deeper issues at work here, but perhaps if we didn't have to pinch pennies these issues wouldn't have a way to manifest. is it a control issue? a dependence issue? perhaps both.
all i know is i am not letting this slide. because truthfully, i CAN imagine myself in a years time, recently divorced, newly single, living in a shitty sharehouse with idiots or perverts, battling it out with an ex husband over who get's the cats and the bed- and i truly do not want that tp happen. :(
so apart from a brief exchange this morning, we havn't spoken. i am going out tonight for a drink with the band, so i will likely not speak to him tonight either. i am using this time to try and figure out WHAT exactly is wrong. but i can't put my finger on it. i am still in the "it's HIS fault" mindset. but i want to know what i can tell james when we speak tomorrow. because i think of we don't figure it out NOW...it may spell trouble. and maybe there's already trouble. because i have always felt like we are immune to "those" kind of marital problems, because we are intelligent enough to realise the pettiness of them, and we communicate.but i'm bgining to see that we were wrong.
some part of me thinks i rely on him too much. some part of me thinks i wasn't "lucky" to meet him as soon as i moved out, as i'd previously thought, because i never really had a chance or need to become totally independent. some part of me wants to forgo any kind of reliance upon him for anything, but that in itself is surely a symptom of the same problem.
and the worst thing is, on the face of it is seems to always be about money. i know there are deeper issues at work here, but perhaps if we didn't have to pinch pennies these issues wouldn't have a way to manifest. is it a control issue? a dependence issue? perhaps both.
all i know is i am not letting this slide. because truthfully, i CAN imagine myself in a years time, recently divorced, newly single, living in a shitty sharehouse with idiots or perverts, battling it out with an ex husband over who get's the cats and the bed- and i truly do not want that tp happen. :(