life
im sitting here reading all my past journals just out of boredum and it is really encouraging me to see God moving through my life. Lately, life has been really rough. Me and jonathan have been fighting, a lot. to the point of exhaustion, and it has gotten me really confused about a lot of things. It is really hard, and fear has played a major role in my life lately dealing our relationship. i know thats bad for me to say, but its the truth. I mean, we have been fighting so much, i cry a lot, and my heart gets weary, and i ask God why is He bringing me through this. Ive always wanted to do what God wants for me, and i really thought this was it. right now, i cant see the other side of things but dont want to give up. i want to keep pushing through the trial, but im scared. scared of my heart being broken in the end because of so many factors. One of them is that he wants to travel, rather than stay home and have a family. its scarey, because im going to be a nurse, (supposedly), and i dont think nurses can do that. it hurts that i love him and i dont know if we will be together in the end. I keep telling myself and God that this is my heart that He is dealing with. I know He never puts us through anything we cant handle, but its so hard when everything is scarey. Jonathan can be so selfish sometimes and it makes me wonder if God wants someone better for me, thats more willing and able.God reminded me today that He has his hand over him, He knows what He is doing. Tosay i saw a beautiful picture of Jesus reaching out his hand towards a man sitting on a rock, with his arms open. In a way, i saw jonathan, and a broken spirit that wants nothing more than to please His Father. It always brought me to tears because i am so judgemental sometimes...and i just want to love. my prayer for many months has been for guidance and peace. i want God to move in my life and in this issue so bad. ive been fasting for almost 21 days with my church, desperate for an answer. I pray that He will show me, i need Him and love Him so much.
We all go through trials in our lives and stand on the mountain top for a while. i guess im in the season of trial. i pray for strength and guidance. i need it so bad, im so confused about a lot of things in my life right now.
im confused about jonathan, about school, and job. i dont know if i want to be a nurse, i thought God wanted me to sing and lead worship in a big way, and travel. my job at church is hard, He is always teaching me to be diligant, and obedient, it is a constant trial. somedays im asked to do nothing ,somedays i do labor, it is so hard. nothing is rubbing the right way right now, but maybe that is Gods plan. of course it is, i just pray for understanding and wisdom in this long trial.
We all go through trials in our lives and stand on the mountain top for a while. i guess im in the season of trial. i pray for strength and guidance. i need it so bad, im so confused about a lot of things in my life right now.
im confused about jonathan, about school, and job. i dont know if i want to be a nurse, i thought God wanted me to sing and lead worship in a big way, and travel. my job at church is hard, He is always teaching me to be diligant, and obedient, it is a constant trial. somedays im asked to do nothing ,somedays i do labor, it is so hard. nothing is rubbing the right way right now, but maybe that is Gods plan. of course it is, i just pray for understanding and wisdom in this long trial.