conflicted
There are so many things that conflict me. I don’t know which way to turn these days. Are you a sum of your actions or, is only is what you think of yourself what matters? What should I live for? Should I live to help others or to help myself? Nothing really makes sense, so how can anyone judge anything? I get to these points where I just don’t have any idea what to do with the next moment of time and it’s kind of like a panic. It’s not just the “I don’t know what to do with my life” kind of panic but the “what the fuck!” kind of panic. I can’t find peace. Is it better to dissociate your self from all attachment or to be able to feel sorrow and pain? My problem ultimately boils down to perspective and experience. It is utterly impossible to know or feel anything but what you yourself feel and know. You cannot know or experience what other have. It’s impossible. So how can I say anything about anything? How can I know? What right do I have to even exist? I don’t want to be a burden on anything, but by my mere existence I am a burden on everything. I eat and consume. I destroy. How can I make up for these things? Should I devote my life to repairing that which I destroy? How can I escape destruction? It’s not through any one belief I can tell you that. Not through a belief in any one messiah can I absolve all of the lives I have affected. How can I even begin to be so egotistical? How can I think that because my sins are absolved that that absolves the suffering Sudanese, the Iraqis, the Africans, the Malaysian children? But then how can I absolve there pain? How can I really justify the life of luxury that I live? Should I suffer on equal to them? Should I give everything I have barring what I need to survive? I can’t. It’s impossible right now. I need money to pay for the trouble I get in. even if I where to start now, forsake everything, I couldn’t. I have too much hanging over my head. I have too many debts to pay to our god damned government. And, even if I didn’t have any debts, what if I gave everything? What if I only lived for my fellow man? First of all, what good could I really do without training (which costs money) and second what if something happened to me? What if I got hit by a car? What if I go the flu? What if a cut I had got infected? What if I had a fucking cavity? I’d be fucked. Even if I lived in a commune they don’t provide health insurance. Id have no where to turn. If that should happen should I just accept my own fate and die? I wish I could find something I could believe in. something I could really devote myself to. I think I have found that, but I don’t know if I have the balls to dive headfirst into it. I’m probably going to dip my toes in slowly and ease myself into it. Even if I devote myself to this, there are still things that I don’t agree with. I just don’t know. I don’t fucking know.