One Of Those Nights
WARNING: Lots and lots of drama. Read at your own risk ;)
Hell, I don't know if anyone is going to read this. Honestly, I don't even really care much if anyone does, because this is about me getting stuff out. That's why I originally even got this thing, so I'm going to let it do its job and serve as a personal outlet. If you'd care to comment and share your thoughts, feel free. I always love reading what you have to say. Your comments are inspirational, and they've helped me. I'm having one of "Those Nights". And if you've ever had one (most people have), you will know that they suck. S-U-C-K suck. Let me explain. "Those Nights" happen when you start feeling nostalgic, and then you begin to elaborate on those feelings, and before you know it
you're remembering all the crap you've done in the past - all the mistakes you've made - and you find yourself in tears. Fun, right?
For me, it all started when I facebook-chatted Chris. Haha, yeah I know what you're thinking. Facebook chat=totally lame way to express your feelings. Let me defend myself. In all honesty, I did not intend to go on a two hour (yes it was that long) ramble about my feelings. It started as an innocent conversation about an odd photograph his best friend had sent me yesterday.
For those of you who don't know (everyone except Adelle), Chris and I have had a bit of a history. He was my "almost lover" for about four months until I ruined everything. That's another story, but basically I fucked up big time, and lost him not only as a inamorato, but as a friend. And I did value his friendship very much. I still do.
Anyways, I like to think of us as "the love that never was". We are so alike in every way, and I have a feeling that we would've made a great couple if it had ever happened. I spent four years wishing it had happened.
Seriously, four years. I loved Chris for four years. Sure, I would depart on other little crushes, but I always kept coming back to him, because he was that guy. That guy who's always in the back of your mind.
Even though he didn't know I was still in love with him, our friendship was rediscovered, and we've kept contact over the years. Still, I couldn't get over him, no matter how hard I tried.
Then last summer, I met Kasper. Kasper was everything to me; an incandescent, shining God. He was beautiful, radiant, and powerful - radiating confidence, and soaking up everything around him. I had known him as a child when I lived in Denmark, but it had been at least ten years since I had last seen him. I'd always had a bit of a crush then, but I was a little girl and he was an older boy. I admired him; it was only natural.
When we were reunited again last summer, it was in France. My family and my then best friend Ellen were visiting his parents at their summer house. I wasn't sure if he'd be there, so I didn't really entertain any hopes of seeing him. When he showed up, I knew I was in for it.
First of all, Kasper was totally out of my league. Picture a Nordic sex God with shining blonde hair, eyes like the ocean, and glowing golden skin. That's Kasper. He was perfect, and not only was he flawless - he was also older. He was twenty-one to my seventeen, and you could tell. My parents always treated me as a child around him, which irritated me to no end. Kasper didn't let them shatter his image of me. He treated me as his equal both in age and knowledge, and that was what did it for me.
At first I convinced myself that entertaining such feelings for him would do me no good - that I would be satisfied to merely think of him as a most valuable friend. However, these sentiments were quickly shattered. I allowed my attraction to take me over, and as we walked through the crowded French streets in the balmy night air - beers in hand - I let myself fall in love with him.
There were times when I thought he was falling back. His hand would linger on mine or on the small of my back longer than necessary, or I'd catch him looking at me when there was no cause to do so. I have a few verses I wrote about such moments. Perhaps I'll post them someday.
There was only one flaw. Ellen also had feelings for him. I held off for a week because I didn't want to betray her as a friend, but eventually I couldn't take it anymore.
We stumbled back into our room, slightly intoxicated, and got caught up in the moment. There on the bed, I poured my heart out. I told him about Chris, and about how messed I was over that whole thing.
Kasper was amazing. He held me while I cried, wiped away mascara stained tears, and told me exactly what I needed to hear. "He's not worth it," he said to me. "If he cannot see how beautiful and wonderful you really are, then he is clearly an idiot. He doesn't deserve you." Essentially Kasper had saved me. I was no longer heartbroken over Chris. I was cured.
And in that moment, I knew there was nothing I could do about it. I fell hard.
Suddenly the next night, we were kissing. To this day I cannot remember who made the first move, and to this day, it antagonizes me. I wish I knew.
Anyways, somewhere in there Ellen jumped in, and we got caught up in this weird three-way make out. At first I was kind of annoyed, but then being a little intoxicated I decided to just go with it. Mostly it was just a lot of kissing, but some clothes did come off, and there were some wandering hands. Still, on the whole it was relatively tame.
But it was the most I'd ever done, and when he finally left at around five in the morning, Ellen and I were stunned speechless.
It wasn't as awkward between Ellen and I as I thought it would be. It was a hilarious joke to us - that night we almost had a threesome. Still, deep down I knew it meant more to me than I let on. And I had a lot of insecurities about the fact that Ellen was involved too.
When Kasper left, I had tears in my eyes. I couldn't kiss him in front of our families, but I held him perhaps a little longer than necessary, and I turned away when my eyes started to fill.
Kasper left a void in me. A void that has filled over the past few months, but at times still feels a little empty.
The Kasper thing may have caused me a few more tears than necessary, but in the end it helped me grow as a person. I'm far from perfect, but I am now a confident young woman. No one's out of my league. I've made mistakes in the past, but I've learned from them too, and I've come out a better, stronger person.
And then tonight when I talked to Chris, it suddenly all came out. I didn't exactly tell him the Kasper story in so many words, but I expressed all my feelings...the fact that there's someone over seas whom I care very much about, and the fact that I've made a lot of decisions which I regret.
Chris was wonderful. He told me what I needed to hear, and I am so thankful for it. He told me, "Don't be afraid. Don't have doubts. Don't have regrets. Jump into things head first. Give everything your all. Sometimes you'll crash, but when it's right it'll all be worth it."
It was exactly what I needed to hear.
Wow...I had no idea this would get so long. I intended on just posting a "I'm sad tonight" entry, but this grew into something far more extreme. In a way I'm glad, because I feel relieved to get it all out. It's personal, it's difficult for me, and it's real. This is me, nothing glossed over, nothing edited. And you know what? I'm happy with that. I resolve to be nothing but myself from now on, and to follow Chris's advice. I'm going to jump into things head first, and although I will always feel something for Kasper, I'm going to keep him preserved in my memory as the incandescent young man whom I so much admired, and who just may have admired me back. I'm going to remember the summer of 2009 as one of the greatest summers of my life. A time when I grew up, and came of age. Thank you for that, Kasper. And thank you Chris, for making everything just a little bit clearer. Yes, right now I have absolutely no regrets.
Love always,
Marianne
Hell, I don't know if anyone is going to read this. Honestly, I don't even really care much if anyone does, because this is about me getting stuff out. That's why I originally even got this thing, so I'm going to let it do its job and serve as a personal outlet. If you'd care to comment and share your thoughts, feel free. I always love reading what you have to say. Your comments are inspirational, and they've helped me. I'm having one of "Those Nights". And if you've ever had one (most people have), you will know that they suck. S-U-C-K suck. Let me explain. "Those Nights" happen when you start feeling nostalgic, and then you begin to elaborate on those feelings, and before you know it
you're remembering all the crap you've done in the past - all the mistakes you've made - and you find yourself in tears. Fun, right?
For me, it all started when I facebook-chatted Chris. Haha, yeah I know what you're thinking. Facebook chat=totally lame way to express your feelings. Let me defend myself. In all honesty, I did not intend to go on a two hour (yes it was that long) ramble about my feelings. It started as an innocent conversation about an odd photograph his best friend had sent me yesterday.
For those of you who don't know (everyone except Adelle), Chris and I have had a bit of a history. He was my "almost lover" for about four months until I ruined everything. That's another story, but basically I fucked up big time, and lost him not only as a inamorato, but as a friend. And I did value his friendship very much. I still do.
Anyways, I like to think of us as "the love that never was". We are so alike in every way, and I have a feeling that we would've made a great couple if it had ever happened. I spent four years wishing it had happened.
Seriously, four years. I loved Chris for four years. Sure, I would depart on other little crushes, but I always kept coming back to him, because he was that guy. That guy who's always in the back of your mind.
Even though he didn't know I was still in love with him, our friendship was rediscovered, and we've kept contact over the years. Still, I couldn't get over him, no matter how hard I tried.
Then last summer, I met Kasper. Kasper was everything to me; an incandescent, shining God. He was beautiful, radiant, and powerful - radiating confidence, and soaking up everything around him. I had known him as a child when I lived in Denmark, but it had been at least ten years since I had last seen him. I'd always had a bit of a crush then, but I was a little girl and he was an older boy. I admired him; it was only natural.
When we were reunited again last summer, it was in France. My family and my then best friend Ellen were visiting his parents at their summer house. I wasn't sure if he'd be there, so I didn't really entertain any hopes of seeing him. When he showed up, I knew I was in for it.
First of all, Kasper was totally out of my league. Picture a Nordic sex God with shining blonde hair, eyes like the ocean, and glowing golden skin. That's Kasper. He was perfect, and not only was he flawless - he was also older. He was twenty-one to my seventeen, and you could tell. My parents always treated me as a child around him, which irritated me to no end. Kasper didn't let them shatter his image of me. He treated me as his equal both in age and knowledge, and that was what did it for me.
At first I convinced myself that entertaining such feelings for him would do me no good - that I would be satisfied to merely think of him as a most valuable friend. However, these sentiments were quickly shattered. I allowed my attraction to take me over, and as we walked through the crowded French streets in the balmy night air - beers in hand - I let myself fall in love with him.
There were times when I thought he was falling back. His hand would linger on mine or on the small of my back longer than necessary, or I'd catch him looking at me when there was no cause to do so. I have a few verses I wrote about such moments. Perhaps I'll post them someday.
There was only one flaw. Ellen also had feelings for him. I held off for a week because I didn't want to betray her as a friend, but eventually I couldn't take it anymore.
We stumbled back into our room, slightly intoxicated, and got caught up in the moment. There on the bed, I poured my heart out. I told him about Chris, and about how messed I was over that whole thing.
Kasper was amazing. He held me while I cried, wiped away mascara stained tears, and told me exactly what I needed to hear. "He's not worth it," he said to me. "If he cannot see how beautiful and wonderful you really are, then he is clearly an idiot. He doesn't deserve you." Essentially Kasper had saved me. I was no longer heartbroken over Chris. I was cured.
And in that moment, I knew there was nothing I could do about it. I fell hard.
Suddenly the next night, we were kissing. To this day I cannot remember who made the first move, and to this day, it antagonizes me. I wish I knew.
Anyways, somewhere in there Ellen jumped in, and we got caught up in this weird three-way make out. At first I was kind of annoyed, but then being a little intoxicated I decided to just go with it. Mostly it was just a lot of kissing, but some clothes did come off, and there were some wandering hands. Still, on the whole it was relatively tame.
But it was the most I'd ever done, and when he finally left at around five in the morning, Ellen and I were stunned speechless.
It wasn't as awkward between Ellen and I as I thought it would be. It was a hilarious joke to us - that night we almost had a threesome. Still, deep down I knew it meant more to me than I let on. And I had a lot of insecurities about the fact that Ellen was involved too.
When Kasper left, I had tears in my eyes. I couldn't kiss him in front of our families, but I held him perhaps a little longer than necessary, and I turned away when my eyes started to fill.
Kasper left a void in me. A void that has filled over the past few months, but at times still feels a little empty.
The Kasper thing may have caused me a few more tears than necessary, but in the end it helped me grow as a person. I'm far from perfect, but I am now a confident young woman. No one's out of my league. I've made mistakes in the past, but I've learned from them too, and I've come out a better, stronger person.
And then tonight when I talked to Chris, it suddenly all came out. I didn't exactly tell him the Kasper story in so many words, but I expressed all my feelings...the fact that there's someone over seas whom I care very much about, and the fact that I've made a lot of decisions which I regret.
Chris was wonderful. He told me what I needed to hear, and I am so thankful for it. He told me, "Don't be afraid. Don't have doubts. Don't have regrets. Jump into things head first. Give everything your all. Sometimes you'll crash, but when it's right it'll all be worth it."
It was exactly what I needed to hear.
Wow...I had no idea this would get so long. I intended on just posting a "I'm sad tonight" entry, but this grew into something far more extreme. In a way I'm glad, because I feel relieved to get it all out. It's personal, it's difficult for me, and it's real. This is me, nothing glossed over, nothing edited. And you know what? I'm happy with that. I resolve to be nothing but myself from now on, and to follow Chris's advice. I'm going to jump into things head first, and although I will always feel something for Kasper, I'm going to keep him preserved in my memory as the incandescent young man whom I so much admired, and who just may have admired me back. I'm going to remember the summer of 2009 as one of the greatest summers of my life. A time when I grew up, and came of age. Thank you for that, Kasper. And thank you Chris, for making everything just a little bit clearer. Yes, right now I have absolutely no regrets.
Love always,
Marianne