The Bible According to Crowley, Part 2 (GO, Crowley and Aziraphale gen)
I'm liking this writing-during-church thing. Sermon boring? Music too sleepy? Solution: pick up a Bible and screw around with it. Someone should invent a religion based off Good Omens. ...oh wait.
The Bible According to Crowley, Part 2: The Fall
Good Omens, Crowley and Aziraphale gen (though I admit I was thinking of C/A)
In which Crowley fucks up.
Part 2: The Fall
"They messed up, didn't they?" says the serpent, conversationally.
The angel hefts its flaming sword, its eyes never leaving the two humans growing smaller in the distance. "No, Crawley. You messed up."
"The Lord gave them free will. I don't know what everyone's so upset about."
"No angel has ever messed up quite this badly before. We don't know what to do with you."
"What you mean is, no angel has messed up ever."
The humans are just two dark specks now. The angel turns its burning eyes on the serpent. "Just between you and me, I don't think you'll be let back into heaven."
"I never planned on returning," says the serpent, but its tongue flickers, and it squirms on the ground-- bravado slipping when faced with retribution. "What do you think they'll do to me?"
"It's the first case of its kind, so I'm not certain. But you heard what the Lord said. Someday a human will kill you, most likely by stepping on your head and crushing your fool brain. Until then, you'll crawl in the dust like the worm you are."
"Watch your mouth," says the serpent. "Is that hatred I hear?"
"We're allowed to hate evil," the angel says. It spits at the serpent, who slithers aside just in time. Where the spit lands, a plant shoots up and blooms tiny purple flowers.
"Nice trick."
"Trust me-- if it had hit you, it wouldn't be flowers sprouting from your skin. You're not supposed to hang around here."
"And where am I going to go?"
"I couldn't care less."
"If you don't care, you might as well let me back into the garden."
In an instant, the angel's sword is hovering over the serpent's head. The flames sear its scales, but it doesn't dare move. "I was sent here to guard this place from you, snake. Don't even think about sneaking past me. Are you trying to hasten your death?"
"What else is there to do?"
"I don't know. I don't care. Comforting a suicidal fallen angel is not in my job description." The angel lifts its sword away, once again doing its impression of a fiery brick wall.
"Is that what they're calling it? Fallen?"
"You should really forget I said that."
"Because I didn't fall. No one pushed me or anything. I came down here of my own free will, which is more than you can say. Maybe I'm more human than angel, in that respect."
"You are very like a human, consistently making terrible choices."
"Whether it was so terrible remains to be seen. Perhaps they'll make me Lord of Evil or something cool like that."
"It's not cool."
"My mistake. It's really kind of hot. Like me." The serpent bats its yellow eyes, which is a great feat considering it doesn't have--
"You gave yourself eyelids. You're not allowed to do that."
"Where's that written? No one's ever told me, 'Thou shalt not modify thy body.' "
"It's an unwritten rule."
"Then it's no rule at all. Anyway, I can't exactly saunter downwards any further, so I might as well do something to keep the dust out of my eyes. Since I'll be crawling about in it for all eternity."
"At this point, you should be repenting, not making them madder."
"Like I told you, I'm not interested in going back. Earth was always going to be my long-term home. It just got permanent, that's all."
"You really don't get how much trouble you're in, do you?"
"You really don't get how much trouble I can be, do you?-- Hey. You smiled. I didn't think angels could."
"It was more of a grimace."
"I didn't think angels could lie. You bastard, it's so sweet how you're trying to fall just to stay with me."
"Don't suggest such a thing. I, unlike you, am proud of my place in heaven."
"I was proud of my place. I just got bored."
"So you tempted the humans and got them thrown out of the garden? Nice way to entertain yourself-- ruining people's lives."
"Oh, they'll live. The Lord is terribly fond of them. Anyway, ruining people's lives is turning out to be fun. If I'm going to be stuck here forever, I might as well bother people. See you, angel." The serpent glides away from the angel, in the direction the humans had gone.
The angel's eyes don't leave the serpent until it has disappeared.
The Bible According to Crowley, Part 2: The Fall
Good Omens, Crowley and Aziraphale gen (though I admit I was thinking of C/A)
In which Crowley fucks up.
Part 2: The Fall
"They messed up, didn't they?" says the serpent, conversationally.
The angel hefts its flaming sword, its eyes never leaving the two humans growing smaller in the distance. "No, Crawley. You messed up."
"The Lord gave them free will. I don't know what everyone's so upset about."
"No angel has ever messed up quite this badly before. We don't know what to do with you."
"What you mean is, no angel has messed up ever."
The humans are just two dark specks now. The angel turns its burning eyes on the serpent. "Just between you and me, I don't think you'll be let back into heaven."
"I never planned on returning," says the serpent, but its tongue flickers, and it squirms on the ground-- bravado slipping when faced with retribution. "What do you think they'll do to me?"
"It's the first case of its kind, so I'm not certain. But you heard what the Lord said. Someday a human will kill you, most likely by stepping on your head and crushing your fool brain. Until then, you'll crawl in the dust like the worm you are."
"Watch your mouth," says the serpent. "Is that hatred I hear?"
"We're allowed to hate evil," the angel says. It spits at the serpent, who slithers aside just in time. Where the spit lands, a plant shoots up and blooms tiny purple flowers.
"Nice trick."
"Trust me-- if it had hit you, it wouldn't be flowers sprouting from your skin. You're not supposed to hang around here."
"And where am I going to go?"
"I couldn't care less."
"If you don't care, you might as well let me back into the garden."
In an instant, the angel's sword is hovering over the serpent's head. The flames sear its scales, but it doesn't dare move. "I was sent here to guard this place from you, snake. Don't even think about sneaking past me. Are you trying to hasten your death?"
"What else is there to do?"
"I don't know. I don't care. Comforting a suicidal fallen angel is not in my job description." The angel lifts its sword away, once again doing its impression of a fiery brick wall.
"Is that what they're calling it? Fallen?"
"You should really forget I said that."
"Because I didn't fall. No one pushed me or anything. I came down here of my own free will, which is more than you can say. Maybe I'm more human than angel, in that respect."
"You are very like a human, consistently making terrible choices."
"Whether it was so terrible remains to be seen. Perhaps they'll make me Lord of Evil or something cool like that."
"It's not cool."
"My mistake. It's really kind of hot. Like me." The serpent bats its yellow eyes, which is a great feat considering it doesn't have--
"You gave yourself eyelids. You're not allowed to do that."
"Where's that written? No one's ever told me, 'Thou shalt not modify thy body.' "
"It's an unwritten rule."
"Then it's no rule at all. Anyway, I can't exactly saunter downwards any further, so I might as well do something to keep the dust out of my eyes. Since I'll be crawling about in it for all eternity."
"At this point, you should be repenting, not making them madder."
"Like I told you, I'm not interested in going back. Earth was always going to be my long-term home. It just got permanent, that's all."
"You really don't get how much trouble you're in, do you?"
"You really don't get how much trouble I can be, do you?-- Hey. You smiled. I didn't think angels could."
"It was more of a grimace."
"I didn't think angels could lie. You bastard, it's so sweet how you're trying to fall just to stay with me."
"Don't suggest such a thing. I, unlike you, am proud of my place in heaven."
"I was proud of my place. I just got bored."
"So you tempted the humans and got them thrown out of the garden? Nice way to entertain yourself-- ruining people's lives."
"Oh, they'll live. The Lord is terribly fond of them. Anyway, ruining people's lives is turning out to be fun. If I'm going to be stuck here forever, I might as well bother people. See you, angel." The serpent glides away from the angel, in the direction the humans had gone.
The angel's eyes don't leave the serpent until it has disappeared.