Glee Fic : Dreaming of You | Kurt/Blaine | PG-13 | Klaine Big Bang fic
<< Prologue
Kurt Hummel has dreams. Lots of them. He dreams of getting out of Ohio, of going to New York and being someone. Someone who is loved by many (he isn't so egotistical as to want a horde of adoring fans, a small group would suit him just fine). He'll be happy to be someone who is liked most of the time, someone who has people they can spend time with. Not that he doesn't have friends, he just doesn't have that one person that he can really talk to.
Kurt Hummel's dreams have dreams of being on stage, of being loved and adored and OK, maybe that dream isn't unique. He dreams of finding that someone, of not being alone anymore. He dreams of a life where he can be who he is and right now the halls of McKinley High aren't that.
Kurt Hummel dreams of a time when he can walk down the hallways of his school and not be afraid of being pushed into lockers or thrown into dumpsters. He dreams of a life when his five minutes of fame on the football team actually made a difference to how people saw him and how people treat him.
(He never could have dreamed of how amazing his father was when he was finally brave enough to be honest with him about who he was.)
Kurt Hummel dreams of finding his place, and being honest with his dad about who he is was the first step towards that. He just needs to figure out what his Skill actually is because even though he knows that most people don't develop their full strength Skill in high school (his own father didn't even know he was a Picture until he had graduated) he knows that being 'undeveloped' or weak just gives them something else to attack him for.
When he turned thirteen Kurt, along with every other thirteen year old, experienced Limbo for the first time. Over the last two years he carved it into somewhere he was safe, protected, set up dreams where he wasn't scared. Dreams that, over time, became exactly what he needed.
Dreams where he wasn't the only one.
~~
This was something that he was trying. A random comment from his dad about not letting fear take over led to Kurt using his Limbo to expose himself to school. He started in his Math classroom, just sitting there and focusing on owning the space, of not letting anything get to him.
It took time to get the space exactly how he wanted it, filling it with the usual faceless people that existed in Limbo. (He'd heard that you could, if you tried hard enough, create non-faceless people in Limbo but he wasn't ready to a) try that, or b) even remotely willing to see any of their faces any more than he had to.)
Kurt dreamt of letterman jackets walking past him, seeing if he could build up a resistance to them somehow. He learned to control his reactions and reflexes, giving no outward signs that would attract their attention. He didn't run - Kurt had never run - but he taught himself to walk past them without subconsciously hugging the bank of lockers or finding the notice board so damn fascinating. When he made them call out their usual repertoire of names - fag, homo, brainless (the favourite one for those whose brains still hadn't made their Skills known) - he said nothing, did nothing.
Confidence began with himself and that started with him not hating school, not hating his classes, and not flinching every time someone with a letterman jacket walked past his chair. So he learned to do just that.
Limbo after Limbo was the same, changing small moments based on how his day had been. After the majority of his sophomore year Kurt had mastered the art of at least giving the impression that they weren't getting to him as much. (Puck and Finn's dual status of football and glee members helped a little with this.)
Rachel had dreams of turning the glee club into a National-winning team which would secure them places on the high school popularity scale. Kurt had more realistic views about what their success would do and he wanted to make sure that when the McKinley High jocks set their sights on him that he didn't give them the satisfaction of a reaction.
That afternoon in school Mr Schue had talked about dreams and what they wanted from life. Kurt had given his stock answers of Broadway and New York, but when that same board appeared in his Limbo that night he had a different answer.
"I just want someone who understands what I'm going through," Kurt said as he took his seat. He glanced around, taking in the now-familiar surroundings of his Limbo. "I just... I'm proud to be different; it's the best thing about me. It's just lonely sometimes."
He became aware of someone walking into the room and in practiced fashion he ignored them.
"This is stupid," he muttered, "talking to myself like this-"
"Hi."
Kurt looked up in surprise as the someone came to stand next to him. And he certainly wasn't faceless.
"This seat taken?"
"I- No."
"You OK?"
"I- Just shocked I guess."
"Good shocked?" the boy asked.
"I... I don't-"
"You got a partner for this assignment?"
Kurt looked down at the project folder in front of him, which he'd created as part of the classroom scenario. "I... no. I never do."
"If you want to work alone then-"
"No," Kurt said quickly. "No, I just- no one ever wants to work with me."
"That's a shame," the boy smiled.
"Most people don't think that way."
"I'm not most people."
"I- I'm getting that," Kurt said, his mind trying to process what this was, how it was happening.
"You OK?"
"Yeah, I'm just... tired," Kurt said as he felt the familiar claim of sleep creep into his Limbo.
"Then sleep," the boy said, "and we'll speak later."
Kurt slept.
~~
Burt studied his son as he came down for breakfast. He said nothing, just sat at the end of the table with his coffee as Kurt pulled the milk from the fridge.
"What?" Kurt asked when he realised he was being watched.
"Just- You feelin' OK?"
"Fine."
"You sure?"
Kurt stopped dead in the kitchen, still holding the milk. He raised an eyebrow and studied his father for a moment.
"Just checking."
"Dad, I'm fine."
"School's good? I mean, you're not getting any hassle?"
"No more than usual."
"And glee?"
"Dad, what's going on?" Kurt asked as he finally put the milk back in the fridge.
"Just makin' sure. You just seem... different."
"Different?"
"I dunno, just something."
"What?"
"You know you can talk to me, right? 'bout anything. Even-" Burt trailed off, motioning with his hand in lieu of continuing.
"I know, Dad. And it's fine, really. I'm doing OK."
"So what's new? 'cause something is."
"Well, there is something new."
"I knew it," Burt grinned. "You worked out your Skill?" he asked, the hope in his voice more there for Kurt's sake than his own. When Kurt shook his head Burt thought for a moment. "You back on the football team?"
"Not exactly-"
"What does that mean?"
"It's not official yet, Mercedes and I are going to see Coach Sylvester today, but we were thinking of joining the... Joining the Cheerios."
"Aren't they the cheerleaders?"
"Yeah."
"Can you get-?"
"Gay cheerleaders?"
"I was actually going to say guy cheerleaders."
"Yeah, Coach Sue has some already. I suspect it's so she has people who can actually do some of the lifts but it's a start."
"So what, you going to be into all that... pom pom cheer stuff?"
"Not exactly," Kurt smiled as he took his seat at the other end of the table. "We have a plan."
~~
He was waiting for Kurt this time. "Hi."
"Hi."
"How was your day?"
"Usual," Kurt said.
"Which is?"
"Not good."
"I'm sorry."
"It's over now."
The boy sighed and settled back in his chair. "That's a depressing way to live your life."
"It's a somewhat depressing life," Kurt said. "You'd think so too if you were living it."
"It's easy to think that. That you have it worse than anyone else."
"What are you, my own personal therapist?" Kurt said with a dismissive laugh.
"Talking about things helps."
"So long as you don't expect me to lie down on a couch for this."
"I'm fine just talking if that's what you want."
"I don't know what I want."
"So... what's with the school-based Limbo?" the boy asked. "Last place I'd want to be."
Kurt shrugged. "Exposure therapy I guess. If I can feel like I can control it then the real thing doesn't bother me as much."
"Is it working?"
"...I guess. Dad said it helped him with some stuff when he was a kid. I wouldn't say it's made things perfect but they are better."
"Then I'm glad."
"This is the weirdest thing ever," Kurt said, mostly to himself. "A Limbo therapist."
"Isn't this the place where we get what we need? The whole point of Limbo is that we develop the skills we need, develop our Skill even. This is the place where... Where everything happens because we need it to."
Kurt looked over at the boy sitting next to him and he smiled. "Maybe."
"So. How about somewhere else next time then?"
"What?"
"If school is not good then why keep coming back here?"
"Because..." Kurt started before tailing off. "I need to survive high school. Two more years."
"And we'll get there," the boy said.
"Think so?"
"Yeah."
Kurt smiled and turned in his seat to face him. "Thank you."
"What?"
"Thank you. This is... exactly what I needed."
"You're welcome..." the boy trailed off. "Sorry," he laughed. "I don't..."
"Kurt."
"Blaine."
Kurt slept.
~~
"Finn and Carole are comin' over for dinner tonight," Burt said as Kurt appeared that morning. "If that's OK?"
"It's fine, Dad."
"You sure?"
"It's fine."
"I know Friday nights are kinda our thing but I thought it'd be nice if we expanded them to include-"
"Dad, it's fine."
"OK, come sit," Burt instructed, guiding Kurt to the table. "I thought we'd dealt with this but clearly not."
"Dad, it's fine, really," Kurt insisted. He took his seat and ran a hand through his hair. "I guess I'm just tired."
"You not sleepin'?"
"I'm fine, don't stress-"
"Because you need to sleep, kid. Sleep and Limbo are important and if you're not gettin' enough then-"
"Dad, it was one night," Kurt said. "I was up late working on a paper and I was in Limbo just fine. Sleep was just... difficult. Bad dreams."
"Well let me know if it keeps up. I know the meds aren't great but they're there for a reason. I did fine on them after... well, after your mom died, got me through it. So don't think you gotta struggle through. At your age if you're not sleeping then you're not developing right, and I know you're worried enough about your Skill so-"
"I will, but it'll be fine. And so will dinner tonight. You should invite them over, Dad. It'll be... It will be fine."
Kurt didn't tell his father it was because he was dreaming of the boy with the brown eyes and the smile that made him feel a little less alone in the world.
This Blaine character might be a construct of his mind, Limbo making manifest the one thing he needs the most, but Kurt couldn't help but get... attached. He'd caught himself thinking of Blaine during the day, wondering what advice he was going to give him (give himself) that night.
And if he was going to keep on feeling this way.
~~
"Much better," Blaine said, standing nervously by the edge of the bed. "Better than school at any rate."
"My dad would have a heart attack if this happened," Kurt said. "Me. Having a boy in my bedroom."
"Is he-? I mean, does he know you-?"
"He's fine with me being... me, he's just not ready to have to deal with me having a boyfriend. And certainly not me having one in my room. Which I can't complain about I guess."
"Why not?" Blaine asked.
"Because other kids have it worse."
"Like me," Blaine said. Off Kurt's shocked look he finally sat down on the edge of the bed. "It wasn't that bad. Dad's not about to accompany me to Pride it's just-"
"I- I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault, Kurt."
"No, but- no one should have to go through that."
"I'm fine."
Kurt couldn't help the smile that crept over his face. Who cared if this was something that only existed in his dreams, at least when he imagined a cute gay guy he did it right.
"So how was dinner?" Blaine asked.
"What?"
"Dinner. You were worried about it?"
"Oh, yeah," Kurt said. Of course his personal therapist knew about that. He knew it so Blaine knew it. "It was... weird. Dad's really into Carole and they seem happy, it's just-"
"Not why you got them together?"
"No."
"How is that crush going?" Blaine asked.
"Died. Dying."
"You'll get there."
"I hope so because I can't deal with this awkward much longer." Kurt sighed and lay back so he was staring up at the ceiling. "I'm happy my dad is happy. I really am. He deserves it and Carole's nice."
"And Finn's straight?"
"And Finn's straight."
"Doesn't stop it hurting though," Blaine said as he laid down next to Kurt. "It's easy to fall for the wrong person because it's easier. There's no chance of anything so we can invest in it. We get to figure out what we want from love, who we want to fall in love with. You're still figuring out who you are-"
"'ain't that the truth," Kurt muttered. "I don't even know my Skill."
"What?"
"I don't know my Skill. Whatever it is it's so weak at the moment that no one can say for certain. Well, I'm pretty sure I'm not a Picture, which means that there's something else my dad and I don't have in common. Carole's an Emotion and I just... don't. That's not me."
"What about an Adept?"
"Maybe. I mean you should see my fashion collection. I have an eye for a bargain and what works. Can you be an Adept in design?"
Blaine laughed softly. "I don't know, ask Alexander McQueen."
"Too soon," Kurt laughed, rolling into Blaine a little. "But I guess. I just... I want to know who I am."
"You are who you want to be," Blaine said. "Isn't that enough?"
"...No," Kurt admitted.
Kurt slept.
~~
And then it stopped.
For weeks Kurt's Limbo returned to the quiet space it had always been but he never went back to the school. For a while he clung to his room as it was before Finn, his space and not theirs. He tried to use Limbo for what it was, a space to develop his Skill. Or, in his case, a chance to find out what his Skill actually was.
Didn't stop him missing Blaine.
~~
This wasn't his room.
This didn't even feel like his Limbo, even though he'd laid down in his bed in his room that night as normal. He'd calmed his mind as he (and every other pre-teen was taught in their Skills classes) and he'd allowed his body to just slip away. He'd felt everything settle and shift, that sense of pre-sleep where you are still in control. He'd felt and then seen his surroundings shimmer around him and then blur into something else, somewhere else. With focus and attention you could make it what you wanted, or you could let your mind drift and allow your subconscious to do the job for you.
He was in Limbo, but he'd not summoned his room. Or any other place that he knew. Which wasn't impossible, he knew that. You weren't limited to the known in Limbo. People could climb Mount Everest or walk on Mars if they wanted to. You could fly like Superman or take a walk across your front lawn with an ant. But that was supposed to come with practice.
Kurt wasn't sure where he was at first but as the cool dark lines settled he knew this was somewhere he could feel safe and welcome and-
"Blaine?"
He was curled up on the bed and the immediate flare of relief and I missed you was replaced with concern and worry and confusion.
"Blaine?"
He was curled up on the bed, back to him and it took a moment before he rolled over to lie on his back. And Kurt's chest flared with pain. It took Kurt a few seconds to realise, detach it from himself, and he realised with a start that it wasn't his pain he was feeling.
"What happened?" he asked, walking over to the bed. "Blaine?"
"Doesn't matter."
"Doesn't matter?" Kurt asked. "Blaine..."
"Tonight's the first night without sedatives," Blaine said. "No Limbo on sedatives," he said, as if he were repeating the lines spoken to all of them in those early Skills classes.
The brain must be active in order for someone to enter Limbo. There are a range of sleeping aids which do not prevent the user from entering Limbo; most prescribed medication will afford you some time there. But many hospital-administered sedations bypasses the Limbo state altogether.
A month with no Limbo wasn't ideal, but it wasn't dangerous either. Sedating someone long-term was only done in extreme cases of illness or injury, times when the needs of the body had to outweigh the needs of the mind.
All that pain.
"What happened?"
"Kurt-"
Kurt knelt on the edge of the bed and carefully reached out. Every inch of Blaine screamed tender (Kurt could feel the hurt prickling under his skin as if it were his own) so he just rested his hand carefully on Blaine's arm. Somewhere on the edges of his awareness he knew that there was something filtered about this. Like the bruises were worse than what he was seeing.
"Please. Talk to me. You spent weeks listening to me go on about everything and right now I just have a story about Finn in a shower curtain which is nowhere near as important as what happened to you?"
"Minor internal bleeding, cracked ribs, bruising. Usual stuff."
"U-usual?" Kurt stammered, his hand fanning out over Blaine's arm. "Blaine, Blaine please- Tell me they at least got the guy who did this?"
"Guys," Blaine corrected quietly, "and no."
"Why not?"
"Because they won't."
"Blaine, you can't think like that."
"I don't have to think, I know. When the police officer who comes to take your statement asks what you did to provoke them it sets the tone somewhat."
"They did what?" Kurt yelped. "Blaine- This is because you're...?"
"Gay? Yeah. There was a Sadie Hawkins at my school and I went with a friend of mine." Blaine tilted his head a little so he was looking at Kurt. "The only other guy who's out. It was supposed to be a solidarity thing. We were waiting for his dad to pick us up and they just... came from nowhere."
"Blaine- I'm so sorry."
"It's not your fault."
"Are you OK?"
"I'll be fine."
"And your friend?"
"He's... He'll be OK. They broke his leg, it'll take some time. His dad is talking about homeschooling for a bit."
"What about you?"
"Mom and Dad are... talking about what they'll do. I don't know what's going to happen."
"I don't... I don't understand how this... why..." Kurt said, half to himself, as he curled up beside Blaine.
Why would I imagine this? Why would I do this?
He could feel the sleep pressing in on him, wanting to take him from Limbo. You could control how and when you entered Limbo but they tell you that falling asleep was down to your body. When you'd had enough time in Limbo, when your body was tired, you slept.
Kurt tried to fight it, kept his hand on Blaine's body as if it could centre him, weigh him down somewhat. And for a few never-ending moments it felt as if that were what was happening, as if by wanting to stay with Blaine he could.
Then Blaine shifted beneath him and the physical contact was lost.
And Kurt slept.
~~
Burt knew something was up when Kurt offered to do extra shifts at the garage and no new items turned up in his closet. So clearly money wasn't the goal here.
"Is this about Regionals?"
Kurt looked up from the engine in confusion. "Is what about Regionals?"
"This... mood you're in."
"I'm not in a mood."
"Yeah you are, I know the signs. You're in one of those thoughtful moods where you're pulling apart whatever situation you're obsessing over. And if it's not over your Regionals loss then what?"
"It's just-" Kurt said, picking up a rag to clean off his hands. "I don't understand something."
"Well, I can't promise to have the answers but I can promise to listen," Burt said.
"It's just- I took your suggestion, about using Limbo to find out who I am. And I ended up creating something that's... I don't know, difficult. I don't know if I'm working through my worries or concerns or whatever but- Is that even possible? To create a situation you're not a part of?"
"I'm not sure I know what you're talking about," Burt laughed.
"I don't know why I created this situation in Limbo and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm supposed to have complete control over them, right?"
"It gets that way, sure. I mean, it takes a bit of practice in the early years because you're still working out how to use your mind the way it's supposed to be used. A buddy of mine, before he knew he was an Emotion, told me he ended up creating a Limbo full of people who would start acting out however he was feeling. Turns out it was his Projection skill kicking in early. He had no idea what was going on, took him a few months to control it so he wasn't goin' around projecting his or anyone else's emotions onto everyone he saw when he was awake.
"Your Limbo is yours, Kurt. What you make in that head of yours is you."
"So why did I create something where a guy gets gay bashed?" Kurt blurted out. "I've been trying to deal with not being the only one and then I wasn't and he got bashed. I don't know how to deal with that."
"Wait, so let me get this straight," Burt said, and then winced a little at his choice of phrase. "You created a guy... like you... in Limbo and he ended up being bashed?"
"Why would I do that?"
"I don't know, kid."
"Blaine gave me... someone to talk to. Someone I could talk to about these things. And then all of a sudden this happens to him and I don't know why I would do that. Why would I create something like that?"
"Maybe you're working through your own-?"
"Fears? Insecurities? Dad, me getting... that? Not something I'm really concerned about."
"Maybe not consciously. It happens sometimes, even without you knowing it. You wanna go to New York, right? I know they're pretty gay friendly but there are plenty of people in this world who don't like it, and those idiots are everywhere and when you're there I won't be. Or maybe you read something or heard something about this happening to some kid.
"Or maybe," Burt said carefully, "you are worried about what those jocks will do next." When Kurt looked up at him he just said, "I'm not as clueless as you might think."
"Did you-?" Kurt started, unable to ask the most basic fear of anyone who knows a Picture.
"Not on purpose, I swear," Burt said. "But some days you'd come home and the images would just be screaming out of your head. They taught me how to deal with that stuff, when you're a Picture you need to learn to tune out a lot of images that are just there in people's heads. But when it comes to those you love? Those you're closest to? Kurt, there's no turning this off, just like there's no turning off how you feel.
"I never said anything because I thought you'd tell me if you wanted me to know."
"Thanks," Kurt said quietly.
"You know," Burt then continued, "after we lost your mom I went through all kinds of stuff about whether or not I'd be able to be a good parent. Your aunt Mildred told me to use Limbo same way I told you to use it. Can't tell you all the ways I got things wrong, for one I went through several conversations with a version of you about girls. Just in case," he added with a smile. "Maybe this is something you need to work through. Maybe it's not. But if you don't want to have to deal with it then you don't have to. It's your Limbo, Kurt. No one else gets in there."
"Dad, I know myself. I'm not- I really am not thinking about that. Surviving high school? Yes. Avoiding the jocks? Yes. Getting out of here? Yes. But that? No. And Blaine he's... He's- Dad, I wouldn't do this to him. Even though he's just in here," Kurt said, gesturing towards his own head, "it feels real."
"Limbo does, kid. That's the whole point. But you need to look at this logically. This kid, Blaine? He's something you're using to deal with everything. And there's been a lot of... everything this year. All it takes is for you to read one article or overhear one conversation and the idea sticks.
"Plus you're still working out your Skill. Ask me, I think you're an Adept because of, well, you can strip and engine and put together an outfit on a budget so don't tell me my kid doesn't learn stuff," Burt laughed at his own pride, prompting a smile from Kurt. "Look, your Limbo is your space and you own it. What happens there is yours and just yours. What happens there happens because you make it happen."
"So you're saying... I beat up Blaine?"
"I... don't know how to answer that," Burt laughed. "But I know that if you want to change something then you can. You don't have to deal with this if you don't want to. This Blaine character doesn't have to turn up if you don't want him to."
"You ever have anyone like that?"
"Your mom," Burt said quickly. "Right after I met her I was so scared of screwing things up so I... practiced."
"Really?" Kurt laughed. "That's... something."
"And after she died, it was a way of dealing with it."
"When did you... let her go?"
Burt gave a small huff and smiled. "I'll let you know."
"Still? Now?"
"I still miss her. And I still love her."
"And Carole?"
"I love her too, but you know that. When I was your age I didn't know what Skill I had so Limbo was a place to... figure out who I was. And that's all you're doing."
"With- Blaine."
"If it works for you."
"So you're not worried?"
"It's Limbo, Kurt. It's about as far from reality as we can get."
"So if I did that to him... why do I feel guilty?"
"Because you're you," Burt said. "And I'd not have you any other way."
"So I shouldn't be worried about this?"
"You're sixteen years old. Right now you're just figuring this Limbo stuff out. Just go with it, enjoy it. Trust me it'll work out fine and you'll learn more about yourself along the way."
Kurt pressed his lips together and let his mind run over what his dad had just said. Maybe he should just... let it go?
~~
"I don't understand why this happened," Kurt said. "What happened to you-?"
"It happens," Blaine said, shrugging as best as he could with his injured shoulder. When Kurt had realised the extent of his injuries he had cursed his imagination. He'd not just imagined Blaine being seriously beaten up; this was within inches of his life. "This makes it better though."
Kurt hummed in agreement as Blaine curled up on the bed, not knowing what he could say, what he could do.
"I didn't know if you'd still be here," Blaine said. "When I came back I mean."
That Kurt understood. The fear of rejection, of being alone again. Made manifest in this Limbo character, this "Blaine" he'd dreamt up. His subconscious, no doubt, making him deal with things he'd rather not think about. Rejection. Abuse. Attacks.
"I held off going into Limbo for a long time because I wasn't sure," Blaine continued. "I didn't want to come here and for you to be gone, like they'd taken that from me along with everything else that they did."
"I don't-" Kurt started in confusion.
"But you were here and it's fine and at least here I'm not on my own. At least here I get to escape from what they did. It's all over Facebook, they're actually proud, Kurt. They are proud of what they did and they said they will do it properly next time. And Mom and Dad, they're trying to deal with it but I know they don't understand, not fully. They made me delete mine, can't say I'll miss it though."
"I'm sorry," Kurt whispered, curling in around Blaine and fighting off the pull of sleep. Not now, not yet.
"What for?"
"For this. I will make it better I promise."
"You do," Blaine hummed as he seemed to fall asleep. "This is the best part of my day, being here with you."
"Best part of mine too," Kurt said.
He was so close to Blaine now, a fraction of an inch and their foreheads would be resting against the other's. There was a flare of... something in his chest and almost immediately Blaine's eyes opened.
Of course they would.
"Blaine-"
Whether it was because of Kurt's nerves that he made him do it, or whether it was because dammit, Kurt wanted someone to make that effort for him, Blaine moved first.
Kurt's first kiss was with a construct of his imagination in a Limbo that was slipping into sleep. Someone, somewhere had a twisted sense of irony. Only way he could get a guy was in his own head.
"That's nice," Blaine sighed happily as he shifted back, although not as far as he was before. With each breath Kurt could feel the warm air against his lips.
"I don't know why I did this to you," Kurt whispered, his fingers reaching out to brush Blaine's cheekbones, a place where the hurt seemed so real to him, despite not being able to see it.
Whilst in Limbo your brain will only register things that it knows. Anything that is unknown - the contents of a book for example - will register as blank pages unless you choose to write it yourself. The color of someone's eyes will be indeterminate until you know in the waking world what they are.
Kurt couldn't imagine the injuries Blaine had sustained and so he could just feel them instead of seeing them. And somehow that was worse.
"I wish I'd never made this up for you," Kurt whispered as he felt sleep crawling over him.
"Made what up?" Blaine asked, his voice heavy and slurring a little with his own sleep. "I'm glad I made you up though."
"What?" Kurt asked, feeling the sleep snap away from him like the covers ripped off on a winter's morning.
"You're my favourite Limbo construct," Blaine continued. "I wish you were real."
Kurt woke.
~~
Kurt stayed up all night, searching online for any explanation of what had happened. Logically he could explain it as his construct being so real that he was imagining he was real, and therefore logically Kurt would be the construct to Blaine. Only the overriding piece of knowledge that Kurt had, that he had carried around like a wound these past few months, was that he was real and Blaine wasn't.
Wasn't he?
Google provided him with limited answers. People reported seeing friends and family and lost loved ones in their Limbo but it was widely agreed that they were just constructs of that person, created by the dreamer in their Limbo for personal reasons. When Kurt tried looking for 'real people actually in my Limbo' he found that there were no results at all, something he'd never come across before. He read every page that the government's Skills website had to offer on Limbo and for a moment he considered sending them an email, asking if they had any advice or information.
For a moment.
The idea that Blaine might be real was a thrilling but also terrifying idea. If he truly were real, if they had somehow managed to share Limbo for whatever reason, then he wasn't alone anymore. Really wasn't alone.
But then how had it happened? How could someone be in someone else's Limbo?
"You can't," Rachel said firmly when Kurt asked her the next morning. "Limbo is... I don't know, protected. Even Picture-Projectors can't get in there."
"But how do we know?" Kurt asked.
"Oh please don't go all X Files on me," Rachel sighed. "There is no conspiracy here, Kurt. We are not being lied to. There are too many Emotions in the world and too many Pictures for anything like that. You just need to look at history to tell us that. When was the last major terrorist attack, huh? When was the last significant global combat? Pictures and Emotions count for over half the world's population and it is impossible to mount any kind of campaign without someone who doesn't share your ideals finding out about it."
"But you can protect yourself," Kurt pointed out. "I mean, Tina's a Picture but she never knew that Puck was the father of Quinn's baby because she put up walls. Finn's an Emotion, like Carole, but he never knew what she'd done, never once felt her guilt."
"Maybe she didn't feel guilty."
"You and I both know that's not true," Kurt said. "My point is, we can protect ourselves with enough training. Training we all get when we know what our Skill is. Quinn developed, what? Early Freshman year? She shut us out because she wanted to.
"Fine, we've had no major conflicts but we've hardly been at peace for centuries have we? Incidents can happen, they happen all the time because even though our minds and our Skills mean we are connected in so many ways we still protect ourselves. And we still get to control what we do and who we do it with."
"So you really think this Blaine guy exists?"
"He seems to think so and why would I do that? Why would I make him so real that he thinks he's real."
"Because you're lonely," Rachel said simply. "Because you want-"
"I want something that's real. I do not want a guy who exists only in my head because then that is the worst kind of torture I can imagine and-" He stopped himself and took a deep breath. "I know I'm not that much of a sadist."
"Not intentionally," Rachel said, but her smile belied the potential insult. "Look, I would love for this Blaine guy to be real, for you to... have someone," she added quietly, "but the simple fact remains that if he is in your Limbo then he is only in here," she said, pointing to his head. "Now come on. We're due in the courtyard in ten. New York, here we come!"
Kurt laughed as Rachel got to her feet, holding out her hand to him.
Limbo was his. He could control where he was, who was there, what happened.
So there was no more Blaine.
Until there was.
~~
It was what Kurt had come to consider as being Blaine's room, a place that was so perfect for him. For almost two weeks he'd been able to focus, keep Blaine from his mind and so out of his Limbo. He'd tried to work on Skills in his own space but showed no signs of anything. Yet.
Then tonight, one passing thought and here he was.
And it was wrong. It burned in his skin and crept through his veins in every kind of wrong and a different kind of hurt and pain to the one he'd felt when Blaine was attacked.
(No, not attacked, that never happened, he's not real.)
But it clutched at his heart and stuck in his throat and his mind forgot that this wasn't supposed to be real because in all of his sixteen years of life he had never felt anything so real.
"Blaine?" he heard himself say and the figure on the bed shifted slightly, uncurling so it could look at him.
Kurt tried to focus but it seemed out somehow. He was reminded of his mom, when she tried to read without her glasses. She tried to explain that while she could see that there were words she couldn't see the words. At four years old Kurt had not fully understood how you could see and not see. At sixteen he wanted to see, needed to see.
"Blaine?"
"Time for a last goodbye," Blaine said and Kurt could feel more than see the sad smile on his face. "I did wonder."
"What do you mean?" Kurt asked, moving over to the bed, hoping that would help to clear his vision. "Blaine, please."
"Not long to go now."
"Until what?"
"It's OK, it'll be OK."
"I don't understand," Kurt said and even though he couldn't explain it he could feel the panic welling up inside him. As if, somehow, he did understand. "Blaine-"
"One last perfect dream, a perfect Limbo with my perfect dream-"
"I'm not a dream, Blaine and neither are you," Kurt said, finally saying it out loud. "I'm real, I swear it."
"But-" Blaine said and Kurt would swear for the rest of his life that he could feel the confusion that Blaine felt, separate it from what he was feeling himself. "How-?"
"I don't know, I don't know and I don't care how. I just care about you. What's wrong?"
"I just... I can't do this... I hate it here, Kurt. I can't stay, I don't want to stay. They want me gone so... I'm going."
Realisation dawned, cold and hard. "No-"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Blaine chanted as Kurt pulled him closer.
"Just hang on. Your mom or dad, they'll find you and-"
"They're away. Overnight. That's why-"
"Someone? Anyone?"
"I just... Kurt..."
"Tell me. Tell me where you are. Tell me and I will get help. I'll come get you. I'll get help."
"I-" Blaine started and then Kurt all but screamed at the pressure he felt on his ears, his head. When it stopped he gasped for breath, pulling one hand reluctantly from Blaine to press by his ear.
"What?" Blaine asked.
"I- I don't know. It just... I don't know. I don't care. Tell me where you are."
Blaine opened his mouth and then there it was again, the pressure and the discomforting pain.
"No, no, no, no," Kurt repeated, his mind putting the pieces together. "Now is not the time to protect us."
"What?"
"Limbo. It protects us, remember? We can't learn anything in here, we can't tell anything in here that will harm us. We're protected in here," Kurt said, tapping his temple, "and now I know you're real... You can't tell me. You can't tell me anything that would, I don't know, expose you? Put you at risk? And I guess I just found out what happens when you try.
"You're real, I'm real, and so to protect you Limbo won't let you tell me anything that might help me find you. It's protecting you from me and that is not helping," he ended up yelling into the air in frustration. "You let me in, you hear me? He does not need protecting from me. He will never need protecting from me, just let me help him."
The haze was lifting a little, bringing Blaine into sharper focus - something that was both a blessing and a curse. Because for what seemed like the first time Kurt really saw Blaine. Saw the shadows under his eyes. The tired and dull eyes that were nothing like the ones that he'd first seen.
"I don't-" Blaine started.
"It's OK," Kurt soothed, his mind racing. "We'll work it out, I promise. I- Is this your room? Really your room, not some... construct of mine?"
"Yes-"
"Then let me see. You need to let me see."
"I don't understand-"
"You need to fight, hold on. You have to stay with me Blaine and you have to let me see. This is your room, this is your Limbo. Let me see."
And Kurt could feel it. Feel something actually rolling into the room, sweeping up the haze as best as it could. He looked around, searching for something, anything that would give him a clue. The single window looked out into blackness, there was nothing with a name or address on, but he looked all the same.
It wouldn't, it couldn't be anything obvious, his/Blaine's brain would reject it immediately. No mail with an address, no school photos or trophies. There were blank spaces on the wall where pictures obviously were, gaps where Kurt just knew there was something that would have Kurt on Blaine's doorstep within minutes.
All gone, hidden from him. So he looked, burning everything he could see into his mind because somewhere in here was the one thing that was going to save Blaine. He didn't know it outright, but he just knew it was here.
The haze started to creep back in and Kurt turned back to the bed, a request to fight already on his tongue until he saw Blaine and felt the push of sleep.
"No, no you can't sleep, Blaine. Not yet. You need to stay with me. You need to try and wake up."
"I-"
"Blaine, please-"
"Sorry..."
"Don't be sorry, just be here. Just stay with me, Blaine. I'm going to find you, I promise, you just need to stay with me."
Sleep rolled in, pressing harder against Kurt but he fought back, not willing to let it take him. Not now, not yet, not ever. He pushed back with everything that he had, trying to see as much through the haze that he could.
He knew when Blaine finally gave in; sleep pushed hard and in his frustration Kurt pushed back.
Kurt woke.
~~
Burt saw the images before Kurt came downstairs - his son was screaming images of a bedroom somewhere. They weren't fully in focus but they were repeating, on a loop, as if they meant something. As if they meant everything.
When Kurt finally walked through the door he wasn't even trying to stop the tears, just thinking about the same images, over and over again.
"Tell me you have them," Kurt whispered, begged and Burt just nodded. "It's Blaine. He needs help and I need to find him and all I have are those images of his room. I need to know if there's something there, a clue."
"Kurt-"
"Dad, he's real. I don't know how or why but he's real and he needs help and I need you to
trust me on this. Please, Dad."
"OK," Burt said, taking a deep breath. "Grab me the phone would ya?"
When Kurt returned with it Carole had joined Burt, having felt their combined worry filling the house.
"Come on, sweetheart," she said firmly, putting her hands on Kurt's shoulders and trying to direct him out of the kitchen.
"No, I'm going nowhere-"
"You need to let your dad focus, you know that. And he can't do that when your mind is screaming at him."
"How-?"
"Because I can feel it, I can feel you," she soothed.
"He needs me."
"Kurt-"
"He's real, Carole."
"The boy from your Limbo?"
"He's real."
"Kurt-"
"I don't understand it, I don't know how it happened but it has and he's out there and I don't care if I have to knock on every door in Lima to find him then I will," Kurt said, the words forming on his tongue as the idea came to him. He reached for his car keys but was stopped by Carole's firm on top of his. "Let me go."
"Go where?" she asked gently. "Do you even know if he's in Lima?"
"I-" Kurt started. "I don't know where he is."
"So let your dad try and find something to help you, help Blaine. But you need to help him by calming down. Trust me when I say that you can't focus on anything when you can sense your child is in trouble."
"What if we don't find him? What if-?"
"OK, come on," Carole said, guiding him through to the lounge room where she all but made him sit down.
"I can't lose him, Carole, I just- I can't."
By the time Burt came through, phone in his hand, Kurt was asleep, curled up with his head on a cushion in Carole's lap. She was running a hand through his hair as if to soothe him.
"He's exhausted," she said quietly. "And terrified."
"Thank you. For staying with him."
"Of course. So, any news?"
"I swear they thought I was crazy to begin with," Burt said, moving over to sit on the arm of the couch. He put one arm around Carole's shoulders and moved his other hand to rest over hers on Kurt's head. "But..."
"But what?"
"I told him what I'd seen, got him to do a search... Then it went quiet and he thanked me for contacting them. Then he ended the call and that was that."
"Why would he-? You think he found Blaine?"
"I don't know, love. I mean, I know that you shouldn't be able to be in someone else's Limbo but this is real to Kurt and what I saw and what just happened? I don't know anymore."
"So what happens now?"
"I have no idea."
"Do you think Kurt will see Blaine again?"
"I wish I knew. I hope so, if only for his sake."
Kurt startled awake and sat up, gasping for breath.
"Steady, kid," Burt said, startling Kurt some more. "You OK?"
"Blaine-"
"We don't know."
"But you called for help? Did they find him?"
"Took a while to get through to the right department," Burt said, "not something that the local P.D. are used to dealing with. I ended up talking to some guy at the Skills Bureau. To be honest I think he wasn't buyin' it but-"
"He did believe you though?"
"I... honestly don't know, Kurt. I gave him the image-"
"Over the phone?"
"Guess he was just that strong. You gotta be to end up at the Bureau."
"And?"
"And he said he'd look into it and that was that. Even if Blaine is real-"
"He is, Dad. I know he is."
"-then they weren't exactly going to tell me all the details over the phone."
"So what do I do? Just wait?"
"All you can do."
"But what if I never see him again? What if-?"
"OK, enough," Burt said firmly. "I'm not going to pretend to understand it, as far as I knew Limbo was protected and there was no way you should have met. But you say he's real and I believe you. If only for the fact that you're too old for imaginary friends.
"Ever since you were a kid you've not been able to keep anything from me, and not just because of my Picture Skill. I know when you're telling the truth and when you're not and you believe you are when it comes to this Blaine guy. I saw him, real as any other image, in your head. That's enough for me, no matter what happens."
"So what do you think? About... me meeting Blaine? In Limbo?"
"I've been thinking about nothin' else since you came downstairs and logically we're looking at one of two things. One, you're developing a brand new Skill, one no one's heard of until now."
"You think this is my Skill?"
"Well, have you developed anything else?"
"No," Kurt said, "I just... I thought I was going to have to wait. That I'd be one of those 'late developers'."
"Maybe," Burt sighed, but his tone betrayed his lack of belief in that.
"What's option two?"
"Two... It's not a new Skill. It's an old one."
"What? Like one that's been around before?"
"You know the rumours, same as me. And I had to look it up, but we've not always had the five Skills we have now. We didn't have these five once, so maybe once upon a time there was something else?"
"So what? I'm a... throw back?"
"I don't know, kid, but as soon as you're ready I think we should go down the local Skills office and see what they have to say about it."
"But what if it is something new? What if they want to, I don't know, run tests on me or dissect my brain?"
Burt gave a short laugh. "Doubt that's how it works, but if they try they'll have me to deal with."
"Dad-"
"I'm serious. We need to figure out what's going on in that head of yours and like it or not, they're the guys to talk to. But tell you one thing," he said with a grin, "from the moment they put you in my arms I knew you'd be anything but... run-of-the-mill."
"Got to make life interesting," Kurt said as he folded up the blanket. "Sorry."
"Don't ever apologise to me for bein' who you are."
"You have enough going on, what with the business and the economy-"
"I'm doing fine, don't you worry. And not being able to help you would stress me out more."
"Thank you."
"Get to bed, get some proper rest. I'll be up in thirty minutes and if you're still in Limbo waiting for him I'll get Carole to sedate you."
"You would," Kurt laughed softly.
"And don't you forget it. Get some sleep, I'll call the school in the morning; think we all need some time to figure this out."
Kurt got to his feet and walked over to his dad, leaning over to give him a small hug. He started for the stairs before stopping. "What if we were too late?" he asked.
"What if we weren't?" Burt replied. "Don't tie yourself up with 'what ifs' OK? I did enough of that after we lost your mom to know that they don't ever do you good. If Blaine is out there, if he is... real? Then I have no doubt that you'll know soon enough."
"Dad?"
"Yeah?"
"What if he's not real? What if I've just... made him up?"
"Do you honestly believe that?"
"No," Kurt said firmly.
"Then there you have it. Go to bed."
"Night, Dad."
"Night."
~~
"You're real."
Two words and a voice Kurt had almost given up on hearing again.
"You're really... real."
Kurt sat up and looked across the bedroom of his Limbo at Blaine, now sitting in the chair by his vanity unit. "Hi."
"Mom found me. Well, Mom and two police offers, a couple of EMTs and I think our neighbour. He's a doctor," he added by way of explanation. "Someone called them, said they thought I'd taken an overdose... And you were the only one who knew. I didn't post on Facebook, send emails or texts, nothing. I wrote a letter, which I left on my desk, and I... went to sleep. I was in Limbo, I told you. And then you woke up and-"
"I told my dad, he's a Picture, and he called someone and I have been so worried," Kurt said in a rush, his entire body itching to just go over and hold Blaine.
"How are you real? How is this even possible?" Blaine asked.
"I don't know. Dad's going to take me to the local Skills office to see if we can find out. He reckons this is either a new Skill, or-"
"Or an old one," Blaine finished.
"So... Are you OK?"
Blaine gave a small shrug. "To be determined. Physically, yeah, I'm fine. Mom's sorting out counselling so I can talk through my issues. Mostly I think she's just feeling guilty."
"Guilty?"
"That she didn't notice how bad things were, that she somehow believed that you can be gay bashed and be fine a few weeks later once the bruises had faded and there was no visible evidence of anything ever being wrong."
"Blaine."
"Sorry. Just... Sorry. She's trying. They're both trying."
"I can't imagine what this has been like for them. It's been hell for me and I'm not..."
"Not what?"
"Family."
"No," Blaine said, "you're... more."
"More?"
"I've been thinking about it, since I woke up in the hospital that is. That first time, do you remember?"
"Every moment," Kurt said a little too quickly, blushing when Blaine grinned at him. "You have a point?"
"You thought you'd made me up. Why?"
"Because I was lonely. Because I... Because I wished for it, OK? I wished for someone who would understand me, understand what I was going through, and who would- Who would be there, OK?"
"I think I heard you."
"What?"
"I think I heard you," Blaine repeated. "I remember... I heard, no, I think it was more of a feeling... I don't know what it was, OK? But I knew you were out there and so I-"
"Found me?"
"Found you," Blaine said.
"I'm glad you did," Kurt said, reaching out instinctively. He caught himself, pulling his hand back at the last second. "This is weird, right? This is weird."
"Very weird. But good weird, yeah? Good weird?"
"Good weird."
"So it's weird, but it's good."
"Yeah," Kurt said, "and-" He stopped when he felt Blaine's hand on his. "You're real, I'm real, so... What now?"
"I have no idea. But I do know one thing."
"What's that?"
"I found you in here," Blaine said, tapping his temple with the fingers of his free hand, "so I'm going to find you out there."
"Blaine-"
"I promise. I'm going to find you. I promise."
~~
"So I've been doing some research."
"Hello to you too," Kurt quipped, dropping onto the bed beside Blaine.
"Yes, fine, hi. Research."
"What about it?"
"If you know where to look, and if you have the right kind of access..." Blaine points to the open book in front of him. "Dad. Trying to help I guess."
"I hate to tell you this," Kurt sighed, "but that's blank to me. I don't know what the book says so I can't read it."
"Huh. What if I read it out to you? Told you what was on each page?"
"We can try," Kurt said. He stared at the page as Blaine read out what was presumably the opening paragraph. "Nope," he said, staring at the still-white page.
"What? How can it be blank? What can this book possibly tell you about me? C'mon, brain, this is not fair."
"I don't know. Maybe it's a limited edition copy that's in a handful of places. Maybe it's a collector's item and traceable. Maybe Limbo is just mean."
"It is pretty old," Blaine said, "and Dad got it from work so..."
"So tell me what it says." Kurt settled against the headboard, ready to listen. "What?" he asked when he noticed Blaine staring at him.
"Make yourself comfortable why don't you?"
"I will, thanks," he grinned.
"No, it's... You do. When we're here you make yourself comfortable and when we're with you I do..."
"Is it weird? Should I stop?"
"No weirder than the rest of this," Blaine said, "and only stop if you want to."
"I... don't. Want to that is."
"Then don't."
"But we have been avoiding this," Kurt said. "If this were real-"
"It is."
"-then we would actually be in the other's bedroom. And that would mean something."
"Only if we wanted it to mean something," Blaine said, his voice quiet but heavy.
Kurt said nothing for a moment, his fingers running over the lines in the bedspread pattern. "And if I did?" he then said. "Would that be such a bad thing?"
"Kurt," Blaine said gently, prompting Kurt to look up and meet his gaze.
Very slowly and deliberately, Blaine moved closer to Kurt. It took a few seconds for Kurt to realise that Blaine was giving him every opportunity to back away, to say no, to reject him or do whatever he needed to do in order to let Blaine know that he didn't want what was clearly about to happen.
Kurt did none of those things.
Whilst in Limbo your brain will only register things that it knows.
Having never been properly kissed before (he didn't count their half-asleep one a few weeks before, back when he'd not known Blaine was real), Kurt's imagination tried to best illustrate the feel of another pair of lips against his, the feel of them, the taste and texture. The emotions, however, were very real.
"That OK?" Blaine asked.
"I... I'd never been kissed before," Kurt blurted out, before flushing with embarrassment.
"I figured," Blaine said gently.
"Oh god, was I that bad? I never-"
"No, it's not that," Blaine said quickly. "I... felt it. Your nervousness, embarrassment? I don't know what it was but... well, I knew."
"Knew?"
"I think I'm an Emotion. Well, an Emotion too."
"Too? Blaine-"
"Every time I'm with you I get this... sense of something else. A feeling that I know, instinctively, isn't mine. A friend of mine from... school is an Emotion and when I asked him he said that's how it started. He was able to pick up the moods of his girlfriend. And I am starting to pick out your moods, Kurt."
"For how long now?"
"Last few nights mainly. I think it's come on quick because we're spending every night together in Limbo."
"At least you know who you are. I'm still waiting."
"I don't think you are, not really," Blaine said, pulling the (still blank to Kurt) book across to them. "Your dad was right, this is an old Skill."
"What is?"
"They called them Dreamers."
"Why do I suddenly have John Lennon in my head?"
"Hey, maybe he was one? Maybe he was trying to tell us something."
Kurt gave a soft laugh and placed a hand on Blaine's leg. "I don't think there's some great conspiracy, Blaine, not about this. It's too big, and any Picture would be able to-"
"We all know you can protect yourself, we all take the same Skills classes in school. And if what's in this book is right then the people who know about it are at the top of their game."
"Like the Picture Dad spoke to," Kurt said. "I gave Dad the image of your room, some Picture at the Skills Bureau was able to pull it over the phone."
"And save my life. I had my first session today."
"How did it go? I mean, you don't have to tell me-"
"No, it's fine. I mean, it's not. There's a lot of stuff to work through but she's good. I think it's really going to help."
"Good. And you can talk to me, you know that right?"
"I know."
"So tell me what else this book says."
"It mentions Dreamers being around about a hundred years ago. These people, their Skill was... They could enter people's Limbos," Blaine said carefully, meeting Kurt's gaze when it snapped up. "They were actually there, not just created by someone. And people got scared of what they could do."
"What do you mean?"
"Dreamers can control someone else's Limbo, Kurt. They can do things. Change locations or settings or situations. Even though Limbo is supposed to protect us people got scared of what these Dreamers could do. Maybe that's why we developed this insane protection? Maybe that's why I can't tell you my name or where I live or-"
"But you did tell me your name. At the start."
"When neither of us thought the other were real. Because we didn't believe it we could do it. As soon as we thought that the other person was real?"
"I don't get it," Kurt sighed. "I could understand it if I wanted to protect myself, but what if I wanted to give you that information. Tell you my surname at least?"
"It's part of the 'genetic code' of Limbo," Blaine said, his mouth curling up a little at the false reference. "Whatever it is in our heads that gives us our Skills? It gives us this as well. It's wired in there."
"I want a re-wire," Kurt muttered. "So what happened to the Dreamers? And why don't we hear about them today?"
"They reckon those that weren't... killed," Blaine said quietly, "went into hiding to protect themselves and their families, and there's been no official mention of Dreamers since the early 1800s. The Great Skills War we never knew about."
"So what do we do?" Kurt asked. "Go into hiding like the rest of them?"
"It's not hiding in basements for the rest of our lives," Blaine laughed, "it's just about-"
"Hiding behind other skills?" Kurt finished. "That's easy for you, you're an Emotion. What am I? So far this," he gestured to the room, "is all I've ever been able to do."
"It's going to be fine, Kurt. I promise."
"I hope so."
Part 2 >>