Days Fic : Cube | Will/Sonny | NC-17, 1/1
Title : Cube
Author : Jen
Rating : NC-17, but just. Mainly for language really
Word count : 4,747
Spoilers : mostly for aired episodes, but allusions to spoilers
Summary : Will finally talks about his insecurities, using a prompt piece. What follows are the ways they dealt with that.
Notes : more for myself really. Don't take prompts on Tumblr, Jen. You get caught up in them and they take forever. This one is for seeitfeelit who wanted Will talking about his feelings.
~~~
Green
Sonny closed the door carefully and took a deep breath before turning to face Will. He didn't know what to say, how to broach the subject. Will had already taken a seat on the couch, his head in his hands and Sonny could tell that he was fighting back tears. Taking a deep breath he walked over and sat next to him, wondering what his next move should be.
"Will-" he started.
"Don't," Will cut across.
"I just want to talk about what happened tonight."
"I don't."
"We need to talk about-"
"No, we don't."
"This has been going on long enough," Sonny said firmly. "We need to-"
"Don't," Will repeated.
"I can't keep doing this. I can't keep telling you again and again that I love you, that I'm happy here, and wondering if you're actually going to believe me this time."
Will said nothing, just got up from the couch and walked into their room, shutting the door behind him.
Sonny sighed and leaned against the back of the couch. He was running out of ideas to deal with this, to reassure Will that he wouldn't change a single thing about their lives. He just wished that Will felt safe enough to be able to-
He looked up when he heard the door open. Will came out, holding something in his hands.
"You need to listen, OK?" he said quietly. "Please? Just... listen."
"OK."
Will came back to the couch, sitting at the end so there was some distance between them. In his hands was a Rubik's Cube and he was absent-mindedly rotating the cubes.
"I wanted one of these as a kid. My friends all had one and they were pretty good at it. Never could figure it out but I was determined to do it. No, that wasn't how I was going to start this," he said. "You know that my childhood was... a little all over the place. Any time I felt settled then things would just blow up again." He held out the cube to Sonny. "I just wanted things to be normal, bit like I wanted one of these. Take it."
Once Sonny had done so Will waited a second before he knocked it from his hands. Then he picked it up and handed it back, waiting a little longer before once again knocking it away. He did this a few more times and all the while Sonny sat there, realising that this had a point.
"Still want it?" Will asked after a while, holding out the cube.
"Why? You'll just knock it away," Sonny said.
"I won't. Not this time."
"Will-"
"If I promised, if I sat here and told you again and again that I wouldn't knock it away or take it back, would you honestly believe me? Or would there be a bit of you that would doubt me?"
"Will-"
"Every time I was settled, every time things were going good then something or someone would come along and they'd knock it away. Mom, EJ, Dad going to jail for me... My whole life I've had security and homes and family life and safety just... taken from me. It gets handed back to me again and again and then taken from me again and again and...
"I know you love me. I know you want this. I know it, right now, here with you. I honestly do. When we're together and everything's fine I know it. I feel it and I... But there's this doubt that is not going away. I don't know if it'll ever go away.
"I want it to, you have to believe me on that. I don't want to feel this way. I know that I'm being irrational. Most of the time," he added with a laugh. "But those other times... I'm scared that you're going to find someone better. I'm scared that you're going to want more than I can give you. And I try to remember, all the time, that you do love me and this is what you want...
"But I have always lost everything good in my life," Will continued, his hands twisting the cube. "Every home, my relationship with Gabi-"
Sonny gave a soft laugh and reached out for Will's hand.
"Yeah, I know, I know. But I still lost it. I was telling myself that she was the one, that I was going to get married and have kids with her... Guess I got part of that right," he added. "My life has lurched from one drama to the next and I have never, never been really settled."
"But-"
"Please," Will reminded him. "This is how I feel. It's... My head is all over the place and I just... It's just one thing after another, just like it was when I was a kid. It took me so long to get my head together about us and between my dad and your mom at the start... Then things get good and Gabi tells me she's pregnant and there's Nick and secrets and blackmail and just when I get time to breathe Brent turns up and-"
"We are just friends," Sonny interrupted.
"I know that. It's not that. He represents the life you had, the fun times and all the places that you have been to. All the things you have given up because of me, me and Ari.
"One of the things that I love about you, that I have always loved about you, is the fact that you have done so many amazing things and you want to do so many more. So many people in this town are stuck here and you're not.
"You tell me, again and again, that this is what you want. Just like everyone tells me that it's going to be OK, like Mom told me, again and again and again that this time it was going to be different, that this marriage was going to last..." He turned the cube over in his hands one last time before holding it up. "I've been given this back and I'm still waiting for someone to take it from me."
There was a moment's silence before Sonny decided that Will really had finished. He reached over and put his hands over Will's, over the cube. "Tell me what you need me to do."
"I don't know," he admitted. "You say and do all the right things and then things like tonight happen and I just... I lose it and I convince myself that you'd be better off with someone else."
"OK," Sonny said, fighting back the urge to once again tell Will that he loved him, once again say that this is what he wanted. Because, apparently, that wasn't the point.
"I need help, I know it."
"We can look into that. Unless you wanna talk to your grandma?"
"Maybe."
"There's no rush. Really," he assured. "We can take this at your pace."
"I just... Even if things are good it won't last."
"Will-"
"No, Gabi and Ari won't live here forever. So I'll be a part-time dad and things-"
"Can I say something? OK, so maybe Gabi and Ari will move out one day. But you are always going to be her dad and you and I will always be a part of her life."
"But-"
"I mean it. The one person you will never, ever lose - besides me," Sonny added with a grin, "-is Ari. Gabi will never take her away from you."
"She did once."
"No, Nick did. Gabi made sure your name was on the birth certificate. She wants you to be a dad. And Ari? She adores you."
"She adores you too, you know that?"
"You and I? We're going to do this. Things are good, I promise."
"Yeah. I know. I just... want to remember it."
"You will. I promise."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"I know."
~~
Red
"Come to bed, c'mon," Sonny said, holding out his hand for Will's free one.
"I-"
"Come on," he repeated. "The girls are having a sleepover, we should have one of our own."
"I don't-"
"Please?"
Will hesitated for a moment before he put the cube down and accepted Sonny's hand. He followed in silence, allowing Sonny to lead him to bed.
With reverence Sonny unbuttoned Will's shirt and discarded it. He placed one kiss on Will's mouth before moving down his neck to his shoulder. For a moment they stayed where they were, Will's arm's tight around his neck, a slow dance with no movements needed.
"Lie down," Sonny whispered. "On your front."
"What-"
"Please?" There was a second before Sonny feels the tension lesson a little in Will's body and he moves away to do as he's been asked. And that's somewhat the point. "I'll be right back, I promise."
Gabi raved about this stuff being good for her sore feet towards the end of the pregnancy and if it works then Sonny will buy a truck load of it to replace what he's about to use. When he returns, closing the door behind him, Will is face down on the bed and waiting the wait of someone who's unsure and nervous.
Sonny toes off his shoes and climbed up beside Will. "Hey," he said gently. "It's OK."
"I know," Will replied without conviction.
Sonny wanted to tell him, again and again until the words were imprinted on his brain, but it wasn't about what he said. So he just uncapped the bottle and poured a little of the oil into his hands.
The scent of strawberries filled the air immediately and just as Will raised his head in confusion Sonny was already astride his waist and his hands were firm on Will's shoulders. His fingers worked at the knots in the muscles, working in circles and patterns out from and down his spine to his waist.
Will's body gave in quickly and his breathing evened out to a gentle pace. Neither of them had realised just how much tension he'd been carrying around in his body but Sonny was just focused on working it out. Once he was satisfied that Will was a little more relaxed he started placing kisses down his spine, tasting the strawberry as he did.
"We don't have to-" Sonny began.
"If you don't fucking finish what you started I will smother you in your sleep," Will hummed as he turned over underneath Sonny's body.
"You know this wasn't the point..."
"I know."
"I love you."
"I know."
Will took a moment before he opened the door to compose himself. He was tired and drained and all he wanted was to sit down and do nothing for the evening. But when you have a four month old who is teething then doing nothing wasn't a viable option.
Or so he thought.
"I... what's going on?" he asked.
"Dinner."
"I can see that," Will continued, taking in the soft lighting, actual place settings, and from the smell permeating the apartment, something amazing. "But... why?"
"Because I wanted to," Sonny replied. "I convinced Abi to invite Gabi and Ari out for the evening, so we have a few hours to ourselves."
"It's supposed to be our night with her."
"It's parenting, not a work roster," Sonny countered. "I'm sure at some point we'll have her out of turn. Probably when she's crawling and is constantly off exploring."
"Probably," Will laughed as he dropped his bag and gave Sonny a gentle kiss. "Have I got time to get sorted? Long day and I just..."
"Yeah, there's time. Only no falling asleep," he called out after him, "otherwise I'm coming in."
"Is that meant to be a threat?" Will retorted without looking back.
But Sonny could hear the smile in his voice.
Will was on the verge of shouting at the couple across from him that they didn't have the monopoly on love, and actually their definition of it was pretty narrow.
Love wasn't just about sharing everything.
Love wasn't just about having everything in common.
Love wasn't just about having the same dreams and the same goals and the same history.
They weren't in love, they were just fucking clones. And take that verb how you want.
His phone kept lighting up beside him with text after text from Sonny, repeated declarations of love interspersed with a few texts that made him grin, a few that made him blush, and one that made him turn his phone over on the desk because if anyone saw what Sonny planned to do to him later then he'd never live it down.
Somewhere between the clone couple across from him and his phone he managed to steal looks at the book in front of him. Despite staring at the same page for twenty minutes and the notes he'd made in his lecture, none of it seemed to make sense. He was tempted to take it all to Victor; the man was a genius when it came to languages. Maybe it would make more sense to him.
Just at the point when he was about to give up a cup appeared in front of him.
Will looked from the cup up the arm to the grinning face of his boyfriend and gave a soft laugh.
"Thought you could do with reinforcements and supplies," he said as he took the seat next to Will. "I bring coffee, cookies, and those candy things full of e numbers that we are never letting Ari have."
"How did you-"
"Know? You told me."
"No I didn't," Will countered as he picked up the coffee and took a grateful sip.
"Your text."
"Said I was having a bad day."
"Yeah. I know you, Will. I know what your bad days are and I know, hopefully, how to make them a little less bad."
"Yeah, you do," he grinned.
"So this is the work?" Sonny pulled the book close to him and squinted at the page. "Is this even English? Do I need to call Uncle Vic?"
Will couldn't help but laugh and shook his head at Sonny's questioning look.
"Right. So where are we starting?"
"After a quick break," Will said. "I-"
They both stopped when they became aware of the hushed argument now happening across from them. Apparently the fucking clone girl was upset that the fucking clone boy never seemed to pick up on her moods and bring her coffee and cookies just because, and he was useless at reading between the lines.
Will tried really, really hard not to smile.
~~
Yellow
He'd spent half his shift calling everyone he could think of, and in the end it was the promise of triple time and no close down shifts for a month that had bought him the early finish he'd been desperate for.
It had been almost six weeks since Will had sat on their couch, cube in hand, and poured out his soul. Six weeks in which Sonny had made an effort with his actions, little reminders that Will could cling to, reach out and touch, to provide that reminder that he is loved and wanted and that Sonny is going nowhere.
Then it all came crashing down when Gabi casually mentioned over breakfast that she'd seen a lovely two bed apartment near Rafe's advertised, and that she wanted to go and check it out.
It was like someone had stuck a pin in Will, the way the shoulders sagged and he went quiet all of a sudden.
He'd not wanted to go to work that day, desperate to spend it with Will and Arianna, but responsibilities won out until he'd laid down a small fortune in overtime and was no heading back as quickly as he could.
"You're home early." Will's nervous surprise caught Sonny off guard for a moment. "Is everything OK?"
"Yeah, it's fine. Just got someone to cover my shift so I could come home."
"Because of this morning?" Will called him out.
"Yeah, a little," Sonny admitted, "but you know I'll take any excuse to be here with you two."
"I know," Will replied with a little less conviction than Sonny would have liked. "Actually, we have been working on something for you."
"We?"
"I thought I'd have a few more hours to perfect it, so you need to take that into consideration."
"Take what-" Sonny started, but Will ignored him and picked Arianna up from her playmat. "Hey, beautiful," he grinned, taking her outstretched little hand in his. "Having fun with daddy?"
Almost immediately Arianna's hand flew to her head, prompting a smile from Will and a frown from Sonny.
"What-" Sonny started, but Will just shook his head.
"Who's this, Ari?" he asked the girl held against his hip while he pointed to Sonny with his free hand. "Can you do it?"
Will raised his own hand to his forehead, putting his thumb against his head while spreading out his fingers. Taking her cue, Arianna did the same before pushing it away.
"What...?" Sonny said again.
"Sign language. It means daddy."
"She knows who you are?"
Will shook his head. "She knows who you are."
"Will-"
"Who's this?" Will asked Ari again, and once again the hand flew to her head and then away. "I mean, it's not perfect but she's getting there."
"Why would you teach her that? I'm not-"
He was cut off when Will grabbed his collar and pulled him in for a kiss. "Yes, you are," he said in a low voice once they broke apart. "Arianna says so."
"Well, if she says so," Sonny agreed, his own voice breaking.
"She's our kid, Sonny, I want her knowing who you are."
"Our?"
"Well... yeah. That OK?"
"More than OK," Sonny said, his gaze dropping to Ari. She was still, in fits of childish pride, making the same sign over and over again at him with a grin on her face. It wasn't a perfect sign but they knew what it was and she knew what it was and that was enough.
~~
Blue
"Nice try," the guy said, blocking his path, "but I saw him first."
"What?"
"The Adonis at the bar."
"I... what?"
"I saw him first."
"Oh, did you now?"
"Yeah, newcomer, so sorry, but early bird and all that."
"So you're looking to get his worm, huh?"
The guy smirked and backed off a little. "I'm not trying to cause trouble..."
"Rob."
"Rob. I'm not trying to cause trouble, it's just... well, guys like him don't rock up every day and if you don't stake your claim then someone else will swoop in and take it from you."
"There's a story there..."
"Max," he introduced, "and yeah. One that will require many drinks, drinks I think I'm going to share with Adonis."
"You're so confident you can get him?"
"I stand more of a chance than you. I have inside information."
"Yeah?"
"Nice try, kid," Max laughed, "but I'm not sharing with you."
"If you're so confident you can win him over then what's the harm?"
"Still not happening."
"Just like you and him."
"Now who's confident?" Max asked.
"Twenty bucks says I get his number, not you."
"You're on," Max said. "But like I said, I saw him first."
"Fine, you go right ahead. And then I'll show you how it's done."
Max laughed and after they shook on it he pulled up his collar and walked over to the bar. He pulled up the seat next to the Adonis and they struck up a conversation. After one drink Max took out a pen and offered it to him, but there was no mistaking the rejection. Polite, firm, friendly. A quick handshake and Max was scurrying back over.
"You have no chance," Max declared. "Bet's off."
"Why?"
"It's like I said. You wait and someone gets there first."
"Yeah?"
"Someone else got there first."
"Is that what he said?"
"Trust me, kid. My information was gold. This guy is into his travels, all sorts out outdoor activities, so the fact I own my own outdoor pursuit company should put me heads and shoulders above any competition. But no. I mean, he said he wanted to come and check it out but that he'd have to try and talk his partner into coming too. If he could get a babysitter.
"Trust me, this guy is so out of the game I don't even think he's in the stadium any more. Bet's off."
"If you say so."
And with a grin he walked over to the guy at the bar and sat in the same seat that Max had taken. They shared a drink and when the pen was passed over the Adonis didn't write on the offered coaster; he wrote it on the inside of the offered arm instead.
"You are kidding me," Max muttered to himself as he watched the kid walk back over to him. "Do yourself a favour, don't call him."
"Why not?"
"Look, I know my guys. The partner and kid bit? Not a line. He really does have them, bet there's pictures in his wallet-"
"There is."
"-so you don't want to get caught up in that, OK?"
"Look, Max-"
"Bet's a bet though, right?"
"I'm not taking your money-"
"No, I always honour my debts and even though he's a sleaze you still got his number-"
"Max-"
"Here," Max said, offering the winning bill.
"I'll only take it if you'll let us buy you a drink."
"What?"
"To say sorry," he continued, holding up his wrist so Max could see what was written. Instead of a number it was a simple phrase.
Sonny loves Will 4ever!
"Rob, Robert... It's my middle name."
"Will, right?"
"Yeah. Sorry, it's just you were so confident and... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I really meant no harm and Sonny really is interested in the outward bound stuff although you will never catch me doing any of it, and we'd really, really like to buy you a drink to say sorry."
"My own fault," Max sighed. "You're a lucky guy, you know that?"
"Yeah, I do," Will grinned. "And hey, it's not all bad. We've this friend, Brian. He's not quite the Adonis..." he laughed, "but he's not bad looking, sporty, single."
"Fine," Max laughed. "Buy me that drink and tell me everything."
Later that night as they curled up in bed together they'll wonder how Max and Brian will get on, the way Max described Sonny, and the fact that Will sent someone else to chat up his partner without any doubt or hesitation.
~~
Orange
"I don't think I've ever been this excited about a Christmas before," Sonny declared as he broke off part of the cookie. "Ever."
"Are you trying to rival Arianna?" Will laughed. "She knows something's up given how long it took her to go down tonight. And I swear, if you wake her-"
"I won't!" Sonny promised, mouth full of cookie and his hands held up in surrender.
"So how about you stop eating the goodies and help me put out the presents from Santa?"
"Hey, it's part of the whole experience. She won't believe he came if he left the cookie."
"Maybe Santa is on a diet."
"You saying I'm fat?"
"I... what?"
"Apparently Santa needs to go on a diet."
"You look fine," Will said. "Stunning as always."
"I hope she doesn't get overwhelmed by it all," Sonny said, grabbing the second bag of gifts and helping Will by the tree. "We did go... a little overboard!"
"It's her first Christmas. We wanted to make it special."
"And it will be."
"I know she's not going to remember it, I know she doesn't really understand what's going on. She did get a little freaked out by the Santa at the mall-"
"Yeah, but as soon as she saw you were there she was fine. It was just new to her, that's all."
"I hope so. I want this to be perfect."
"And it will be," Sonny said as he discarded his empty bag and pulled Will in close. "So stop worrying."
"I just... I keep thinking about last year."
"Yeah?"
"I loved it, I did, being a part of your family gathering, having you with mine... It felt real, you know? Like you and me, we were serious."
"We are."
"I know, I knew then I think. It's what you do, isn't it, when things get serious? You do family events together. But this year? It's us. The four of us, our family, together. We get the morning and it's just going to be... us. And it's hitting me," Will continued quietly, "that this is our lives. This is our family and... and I wouldn't change it for anything. Not one bit of it."
"Well... I'd change one thing," Sonny said, then gave a small laugh when Will tensed in his arms. "No, not... Sorry, I had a plan."
"For what?"
"I... come here," he said, leading him to the couch and making him sit on the arm. "I swear I was going to do this better. Speeches and maybe the odd grand gesture but this... I don't know. I think this is pretty perfect."
"For what?" Will asked.
He got his answer in a box.
"Son-"
"This is my family. This is the life that I want for the rest of my life. And... yeah, I might have gone a little mad."
"A little?" Will laughed. "There are two sets of rings here."
"Matching rings I think you'll find."
"They do this now? Sets for guys?"
"Apparently getting more and more popular."
"Good."
"So...?" Sonny asked hesitantly.
"You realise you bought your own engagement ring, right?"
"It's a two ring set. The engagement ring complements the wedding band... Bit like us really."
"What?"
"Two different rings, but when you put them together," he said as he met Will's eyes, "they fit. They work."
"Yeah, they do."
"So...?"
"You sure... that this is what you want?" Will asked.
"You ask me that after I give you a ring, that I tell you I want to marry you?" Sonny laughed.
"You know, you've not actually said that you want to marry me."
"Oh you're going to make me do this aren't... Fine," Sonny sighed melodramatically. He dropped to one knee. "William Robert Horton-"
"Yes."
"You're supposed to let me finish."
Will shook his head. "Not when we're just getting started," he said, grabbing Sonny's arm to pull him up.
~~
White
"I did say that tradition dictates that the groom makes a speech," Will said, "and that since we have two that Sonny could do the honours and I'd just sit here and carry on drinking. But Mom vetoed that idea so... I don't know what I can say that I haven't already said or that people don't already know, so I'm just going to tell this story.
"When I told Johnny that Sonny and I were getting married he looked at me for a real long time. At first I thought I was going to have to explain that two guys can get married as well but it wasn't that. In the end he said, 'How many reasons do you have?'. This confused me a little and he explained that when you want to marry someone you should make a list of all the reasons why you love them.
"But apparently that's not enough because, and I'm sure you don't know this because I didn't, there's a minimum target according to my little brother. When I asked him how many reasons I should have he told me one hundred.
"So," he said, digging out the pages from his pocket to amused giggles, "this is how I spent the night before my wedding. You'll forgive me if I only give an edited version of this list, but the highlights are as follows."
1. Because you supported me from the start
2. You're my best friend
33. The fact you said you were changing your Facebook status as soon as the ceremony was done
70. You made a home for me and my daughter
71. You are a father to our daughter
94. The Rubik's Cube
"But maybe, more important of all? Number 100. You make me a better person."
~fin~
Author notes
I never do the notes at end of the story but when I was planning this I came across some interesting information. Firstly, the colours here are the six traditional colours of the Rubik's Cube. They appear on the cube in the way listed in the cut text: white is opposite yellow, blue is opposite green, and orange is opposite red. I then set this so the colours progress and reflect the cube: 1 matches 4, 2 matches 5, 3 matches 6.
The colours also represent different moods, reflected in each section:
Green = safety
Red = passion
Yellow = joy
Blue = confidence
Orange = belonging
White = hope
The cube can be solved by simple mathematical movements (which is why some people can do it with speed and ease), but if you're not mathematically minded it can seem impossible.
So how is that for a metaphor?!
Also Will did actually write a list of 100 things he loves about Sonny.
Download it here.
Author : Jen
Rating : NC-17, but just. Mainly for language really
Word count : 4,747
Spoilers : mostly for aired episodes, but allusions to spoilers
Summary : Will finally talks about his insecurities, using a prompt piece. What follows are the ways they dealt with that.
Notes : more for myself really. Don't take prompts on Tumblr, Jen. You get caught up in them and they take forever. This one is for seeitfeelit who wanted Will talking about his feelings.
~~~
Green
Sonny closed the door carefully and took a deep breath before turning to face Will. He didn't know what to say, how to broach the subject. Will had already taken a seat on the couch, his head in his hands and Sonny could tell that he was fighting back tears. Taking a deep breath he walked over and sat next to him, wondering what his next move should be.
"Will-" he started.
"Don't," Will cut across.
"I just want to talk about what happened tonight."
"I don't."
"We need to talk about-"
"No, we don't."
"This has been going on long enough," Sonny said firmly. "We need to-"
"Don't," Will repeated.
"I can't keep doing this. I can't keep telling you again and again that I love you, that I'm happy here, and wondering if you're actually going to believe me this time."
Will said nothing, just got up from the couch and walked into their room, shutting the door behind him.
Sonny sighed and leaned against the back of the couch. He was running out of ideas to deal with this, to reassure Will that he wouldn't change a single thing about their lives. He just wished that Will felt safe enough to be able to-
He looked up when he heard the door open. Will came out, holding something in his hands.
"You need to listen, OK?" he said quietly. "Please? Just... listen."
"OK."
Will came back to the couch, sitting at the end so there was some distance between them. In his hands was a Rubik's Cube and he was absent-mindedly rotating the cubes.
"I wanted one of these as a kid. My friends all had one and they were pretty good at it. Never could figure it out but I was determined to do it. No, that wasn't how I was going to start this," he said. "You know that my childhood was... a little all over the place. Any time I felt settled then things would just blow up again." He held out the cube to Sonny. "I just wanted things to be normal, bit like I wanted one of these. Take it."
Once Sonny had done so Will waited a second before he knocked it from his hands. Then he picked it up and handed it back, waiting a little longer before once again knocking it away. He did this a few more times and all the while Sonny sat there, realising that this had a point.
"Still want it?" Will asked after a while, holding out the cube.
"Why? You'll just knock it away," Sonny said.
"I won't. Not this time."
"Will-"
"If I promised, if I sat here and told you again and again that I wouldn't knock it away or take it back, would you honestly believe me? Or would there be a bit of you that would doubt me?"
"Will-"
"Every time I was settled, every time things were going good then something or someone would come along and they'd knock it away. Mom, EJ, Dad going to jail for me... My whole life I've had security and homes and family life and safety just... taken from me. It gets handed back to me again and again and then taken from me again and again and...
"I know you love me. I know you want this. I know it, right now, here with you. I honestly do. When we're together and everything's fine I know it. I feel it and I... But there's this doubt that is not going away. I don't know if it'll ever go away.
"I want it to, you have to believe me on that. I don't want to feel this way. I know that I'm being irrational. Most of the time," he added with a laugh. "But those other times... I'm scared that you're going to find someone better. I'm scared that you're going to want more than I can give you. And I try to remember, all the time, that you do love me and this is what you want...
"But I have always lost everything good in my life," Will continued, his hands twisting the cube. "Every home, my relationship with Gabi-"
Sonny gave a soft laugh and reached out for Will's hand.
"Yeah, I know, I know. But I still lost it. I was telling myself that she was the one, that I was going to get married and have kids with her... Guess I got part of that right," he added. "My life has lurched from one drama to the next and I have never, never been really settled."
"But-"
"Please," Will reminded him. "This is how I feel. It's... My head is all over the place and I just... It's just one thing after another, just like it was when I was a kid. It took me so long to get my head together about us and between my dad and your mom at the start... Then things get good and Gabi tells me she's pregnant and there's Nick and secrets and blackmail and just when I get time to breathe Brent turns up and-"
"We are just friends," Sonny interrupted.
"I know that. It's not that. He represents the life you had, the fun times and all the places that you have been to. All the things you have given up because of me, me and Ari.
"One of the things that I love about you, that I have always loved about you, is the fact that you have done so many amazing things and you want to do so many more. So many people in this town are stuck here and you're not.
"You tell me, again and again, that this is what you want. Just like everyone tells me that it's going to be OK, like Mom told me, again and again and again that this time it was going to be different, that this marriage was going to last..." He turned the cube over in his hands one last time before holding it up. "I've been given this back and I'm still waiting for someone to take it from me."
There was a moment's silence before Sonny decided that Will really had finished. He reached over and put his hands over Will's, over the cube. "Tell me what you need me to do."
"I don't know," he admitted. "You say and do all the right things and then things like tonight happen and I just... I lose it and I convince myself that you'd be better off with someone else."
"OK," Sonny said, fighting back the urge to once again tell Will that he loved him, once again say that this is what he wanted. Because, apparently, that wasn't the point.
"I need help, I know it."
"We can look into that. Unless you wanna talk to your grandma?"
"Maybe."
"There's no rush. Really," he assured. "We can take this at your pace."
"I just... Even if things are good it won't last."
"Will-"
"No, Gabi and Ari won't live here forever. So I'll be a part-time dad and things-"
"Can I say something? OK, so maybe Gabi and Ari will move out one day. But you are always going to be her dad and you and I will always be a part of her life."
"But-"
"I mean it. The one person you will never, ever lose - besides me," Sonny added with a grin, "-is Ari. Gabi will never take her away from you."
"She did once."
"No, Nick did. Gabi made sure your name was on the birth certificate. She wants you to be a dad. And Ari? She adores you."
"She adores you too, you know that?"
"You and I? We're going to do this. Things are good, I promise."
"Yeah. I know. I just... want to remember it."
"You will. I promise."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"I know."
~~
Red
"Come to bed, c'mon," Sonny said, holding out his hand for Will's free one.
"I-"
"Come on," he repeated. "The girls are having a sleepover, we should have one of our own."
"I don't-"
"Please?"
Will hesitated for a moment before he put the cube down and accepted Sonny's hand. He followed in silence, allowing Sonny to lead him to bed.
With reverence Sonny unbuttoned Will's shirt and discarded it. He placed one kiss on Will's mouth before moving down his neck to his shoulder. For a moment they stayed where they were, Will's arm's tight around his neck, a slow dance with no movements needed.
"Lie down," Sonny whispered. "On your front."
"What-"
"Please?" There was a second before Sonny feels the tension lesson a little in Will's body and he moves away to do as he's been asked. And that's somewhat the point. "I'll be right back, I promise."
Gabi raved about this stuff being good for her sore feet towards the end of the pregnancy and if it works then Sonny will buy a truck load of it to replace what he's about to use. When he returns, closing the door behind him, Will is face down on the bed and waiting the wait of someone who's unsure and nervous.
Sonny toes off his shoes and climbed up beside Will. "Hey," he said gently. "It's OK."
"I know," Will replied without conviction.
Sonny wanted to tell him, again and again until the words were imprinted on his brain, but it wasn't about what he said. So he just uncapped the bottle and poured a little of the oil into his hands.
The scent of strawberries filled the air immediately and just as Will raised his head in confusion Sonny was already astride his waist and his hands were firm on Will's shoulders. His fingers worked at the knots in the muscles, working in circles and patterns out from and down his spine to his waist.
Will's body gave in quickly and his breathing evened out to a gentle pace. Neither of them had realised just how much tension he'd been carrying around in his body but Sonny was just focused on working it out. Once he was satisfied that Will was a little more relaxed he started placing kisses down his spine, tasting the strawberry as he did.
"We don't have to-" Sonny began.
"If you don't fucking finish what you started I will smother you in your sleep," Will hummed as he turned over underneath Sonny's body.
"You know this wasn't the point..."
"I know."
"I love you."
"I know."
Will took a moment before he opened the door to compose himself. He was tired and drained and all he wanted was to sit down and do nothing for the evening. But when you have a four month old who is teething then doing nothing wasn't a viable option.
Or so he thought.
"I... what's going on?" he asked.
"Dinner."
"I can see that," Will continued, taking in the soft lighting, actual place settings, and from the smell permeating the apartment, something amazing. "But... why?"
"Because I wanted to," Sonny replied. "I convinced Abi to invite Gabi and Ari out for the evening, so we have a few hours to ourselves."
"It's supposed to be our night with her."
"It's parenting, not a work roster," Sonny countered. "I'm sure at some point we'll have her out of turn. Probably when she's crawling and is constantly off exploring."
"Probably," Will laughed as he dropped his bag and gave Sonny a gentle kiss. "Have I got time to get sorted? Long day and I just..."
"Yeah, there's time. Only no falling asleep," he called out after him, "otherwise I'm coming in."
"Is that meant to be a threat?" Will retorted without looking back.
But Sonny could hear the smile in his voice.
Will was on the verge of shouting at the couple across from him that they didn't have the monopoly on love, and actually their definition of it was pretty narrow.
Love wasn't just about sharing everything.
Love wasn't just about having everything in common.
Love wasn't just about having the same dreams and the same goals and the same history.
They weren't in love, they were just fucking clones. And take that verb how you want.
His phone kept lighting up beside him with text after text from Sonny, repeated declarations of love interspersed with a few texts that made him grin, a few that made him blush, and one that made him turn his phone over on the desk because if anyone saw what Sonny planned to do to him later then he'd never live it down.
Somewhere between the clone couple across from him and his phone he managed to steal looks at the book in front of him. Despite staring at the same page for twenty minutes and the notes he'd made in his lecture, none of it seemed to make sense. He was tempted to take it all to Victor; the man was a genius when it came to languages. Maybe it would make more sense to him.
Just at the point when he was about to give up a cup appeared in front of him.
Will looked from the cup up the arm to the grinning face of his boyfriend and gave a soft laugh.
"Thought you could do with reinforcements and supplies," he said as he took the seat next to Will. "I bring coffee, cookies, and those candy things full of e numbers that we are never letting Ari have."
"How did you-"
"Know? You told me."
"No I didn't," Will countered as he picked up the coffee and took a grateful sip.
"Your text."
"Said I was having a bad day."
"Yeah. I know you, Will. I know what your bad days are and I know, hopefully, how to make them a little less bad."
"Yeah, you do," he grinned.
"So this is the work?" Sonny pulled the book close to him and squinted at the page. "Is this even English? Do I need to call Uncle Vic?"
Will couldn't help but laugh and shook his head at Sonny's questioning look.
"Right. So where are we starting?"
"After a quick break," Will said. "I-"
They both stopped when they became aware of the hushed argument now happening across from them. Apparently the fucking clone girl was upset that the fucking clone boy never seemed to pick up on her moods and bring her coffee and cookies just because, and he was useless at reading between the lines.
Will tried really, really hard not to smile.
~~
Yellow
He'd spent half his shift calling everyone he could think of, and in the end it was the promise of triple time and no close down shifts for a month that had bought him the early finish he'd been desperate for.
It had been almost six weeks since Will had sat on their couch, cube in hand, and poured out his soul. Six weeks in which Sonny had made an effort with his actions, little reminders that Will could cling to, reach out and touch, to provide that reminder that he is loved and wanted and that Sonny is going nowhere.
Then it all came crashing down when Gabi casually mentioned over breakfast that she'd seen a lovely two bed apartment near Rafe's advertised, and that she wanted to go and check it out.
It was like someone had stuck a pin in Will, the way the shoulders sagged and he went quiet all of a sudden.
He'd not wanted to go to work that day, desperate to spend it with Will and Arianna, but responsibilities won out until he'd laid down a small fortune in overtime and was no heading back as quickly as he could.
"You're home early." Will's nervous surprise caught Sonny off guard for a moment. "Is everything OK?"
"Yeah, it's fine. Just got someone to cover my shift so I could come home."
"Because of this morning?" Will called him out.
"Yeah, a little," Sonny admitted, "but you know I'll take any excuse to be here with you two."
"I know," Will replied with a little less conviction than Sonny would have liked. "Actually, we have been working on something for you."
"We?"
"I thought I'd have a few more hours to perfect it, so you need to take that into consideration."
"Take what-" Sonny started, but Will ignored him and picked Arianna up from her playmat. "Hey, beautiful," he grinned, taking her outstretched little hand in his. "Having fun with daddy?"
Almost immediately Arianna's hand flew to her head, prompting a smile from Will and a frown from Sonny.
"What-" Sonny started, but Will just shook his head.
"Who's this, Ari?" he asked the girl held against his hip while he pointed to Sonny with his free hand. "Can you do it?"
Will raised his own hand to his forehead, putting his thumb against his head while spreading out his fingers. Taking her cue, Arianna did the same before pushing it away.
"What...?" Sonny said again.
"Sign language. It means daddy."
"She knows who you are?"
Will shook his head. "She knows who you are."
"Will-"
"Who's this?" Will asked Ari again, and once again the hand flew to her head and then away. "I mean, it's not perfect but she's getting there."
"Why would you teach her that? I'm not-"
He was cut off when Will grabbed his collar and pulled him in for a kiss. "Yes, you are," he said in a low voice once they broke apart. "Arianna says so."
"Well, if she says so," Sonny agreed, his own voice breaking.
"She's our kid, Sonny, I want her knowing who you are."
"Our?"
"Well... yeah. That OK?"
"More than OK," Sonny said, his gaze dropping to Ari. She was still, in fits of childish pride, making the same sign over and over again at him with a grin on her face. It wasn't a perfect sign but they knew what it was and she knew what it was and that was enough.
~~
Blue
"Nice try," the guy said, blocking his path, "but I saw him first."
"What?"
"The Adonis at the bar."
"I... what?"
"I saw him first."
"Oh, did you now?"
"Yeah, newcomer, so sorry, but early bird and all that."
"So you're looking to get his worm, huh?"
The guy smirked and backed off a little. "I'm not trying to cause trouble..."
"Rob."
"Rob. I'm not trying to cause trouble, it's just... well, guys like him don't rock up every day and if you don't stake your claim then someone else will swoop in and take it from you."
"There's a story there..."
"Max," he introduced, "and yeah. One that will require many drinks, drinks I think I'm going to share with Adonis."
"You're so confident you can get him?"
"I stand more of a chance than you. I have inside information."
"Yeah?"
"Nice try, kid," Max laughed, "but I'm not sharing with you."
"If you're so confident you can win him over then what's the harm?"
"Still not happening."
"Just like you and him."
"Now who's confident?" Max asked.
"Twenty bucks says I get his number, not you."
"You're on," Max said. "But like I said, I saw him first."
"Fine, you go right ahead. And then I'll show you how it's done."
Max laughed and after they shook on it he pulled up his collar and walked over to the bar. He pulled up the seat next to the Adonis and they struck up a conversation. After one drink Max took out a pen and offered it to him, but there was no mistaking the rejection. Polite, firm, friendly. A quick handshake and Max was scurrying back over.
"You have no chance," Max declared. "Bet's off."
"Why?"
"It's like I said. You wait and someone gets there first."
"Yeah?"
"Someone else got there first."
"Is that what he said?"
"Trust me, kid. My information was gold. This guy is into his travels, all sorts out outdoor activities, so the fact I own my own outdoor pursuit company should put me heads and shoulders above any competition. But no. I mean, he said he wanted to come and check it out but that he'd have to try and talk his partner into coming too. If he could get a babysitter.
"Trust me, this guy is so out of the game I don't even think he's in the stadium any more. Bet's off."
"If you say so."
And with a grin he walked over to the guy at the bar and sat in the same seat that Max had taken. They shared a drink and when the pen was passed over the Adonis didn't write on the offered coaster; he wrote it on the inside of the offered arm instead.
"You are kidding me," Max muttered to himself as he watched the kid walk back over to him. "Do yourself a favour, don't call him."
"Why not?"
"Look, I know my guys. The partner and kid bit? Not a line. He really does have them, bet there's pictures in his wallet-"
"There is."
"-so you don't want to get caught up in that, OK?"
"Look, Max-"
"Bet's a bet though, right?"
"I'm not taking your money-"
"No, I always honour my debts and even though he's a sleaze you still got his number-"
"Max-"
"Here," Max said, offering the winning bill.
"I'll only take it if you'll let us buy you a drink."
"What?"
"To say sorry," he continued, holding up his wrist so Max could see what was written. Instead of a number it was a simple phrase.
Sonny loves Will 4ever!
"Rob, Robert... It's my middle name."
"Will, right?"
"Yeah. Sorry, it's just you were so confident and... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I really meant no harm and Sonny really is interested in the outward bound stuff although you will never catch me doing any of it, and we'd really, really like to buy you a drink to say sorry."
"My own fault," Max sighed. "You're a lucky guy, you know that?"
"Yeah, I do," Will grinned. "And hey, it's not all bad. We've this friend, Brian. He's not quite the Adonis..." he laughed, "but he's not bad looking, sporty, single."
"Fine," Max laughed. "Buy me that drink and tell me everything."
Later that night as they curled up in bed together they'll wonder how Max and Brian will get on, the way Max described Sonny, and the fact that Will sent someone else to chat up his partner without any doubt or hesitation.
~~
Orange
"I don't think I've ever been this excited about a Christmas before," Sonny declared as he broke off part of the cookie. "Ever."
"Are you trying to rival Arianna?" Will laughed. "She knows something's up given how long it took her to go down tonight. And I swear, if you wake her-"
"I won't!" Sonny promised, mouth full of cookie and his hands held up in surrender.
"So how about you stop eating the goodies and help me put out the presents from Santa?"
"Hey, it's part of the whole experience. She won't believe he came if he left the cookie."
"Maybe Santa is on a diet."
"You saying I'm fat?"
"I... what?"
"Apparently Santa needs to go on a diet."
"You look fine," Will said. "Stunning as always."
"I hope she doesn't get overwhelmed by it all," Sonny said, grabbing the second bag of gifts and helping Will by the tree. "We did go... a little overboard!"
"It's her first Christmas. We wanted to make it special."
"And it will be."
"I know she's not going to remember it, I know she doesn't really understand what's going on. She did get a little freaked out by the Santa at the mall-"
"Yeah, but as soon as she saw you were there she was fine. It was just new to her, that's all."
"I hope so. I want this to be perfect."
"And it will be," Sonny said as he discarded his empty bag and pulled Will in close. "So stop worrying."
"I just... I keep thinking about last year."
"Yeah?"
"I loved it, I did, being a part of your family gathering, having you with mine... It felt real, you know? Like you and me, we were serious."
"We are."
"I know, I knew then I think. It's what you do, isn't it, when things get serious? You do family events together. But this year? It's us. The four of us, our family, together. We get the morning and it's just going to be... us. And it's hitting me," Will continued quietly, "that this is our lives. This is our family and... and I wouldn't change it for anything. Not one bit of it."
"Well... I'd change one thing," Sonny said, then gave a small laugh when Will tensed in his arms. "No, not... Sorry, I had a plan."
"For what?"
"I... come here," he said, leading him to the couch and making him sit on the arm. "I swear I was going to do this better. Speeches and maybe the odd grand gesture but this... I don't know. I think this is pretty perfect."
"For what?" Will asked.
He got his answer in a box.
"Son-"
"This is my family. This is the life that I want for the rest of my life. And... yeah, I might have gone a little mad."
"A little?" Will laughed. "There are two sets of rings here."
"Matching rings I think you'll find."
"They do this now? Sets for guys?"
"Apparently getting more and more popular."
"Good."
"So...?" Sonny asked hesitantly.
"You realise you bought your own engagement ring, right?"
"It's a two ring set. The engagement ring complements the wedding band... Bit like us really."
"What?"
"Two different rings, but when you put them together," he said as he met Will's eyes, "they fit. They work."
"Yeah, they do."
"So...?"
"You sure... that this is what you want?" Will asked.
"You ask me that after I give you a ring, that I tell you I want to marry you?" Sonny laughed.
"You know, you've not actually said that you want to marry me."
"Oh you're going to make me do this aren't... Fine," Sonny sighed melodramatically. He dropped to one knee. "William Robert Horton-"
"Yes."
"You're supposed to let me finish."
Will shook his head. "Not when we're just getting started," he said, grabbing Sonny's arm to pull him up.
~~
White
"I did say that tradition dictates that the groom makes a speech," Will said, "and that since we have two that Sonny could do the honours and I'd just sit here and carry on drinking. But Mom vetoed that idea so... I don't know what I can say that I haven't already said or that people don't already know, so I'm just going to tell this story.
"When I told Johnny that Sonny and I were getting married he looked at me for a real long time. At first I thought I was going to have to explain that two guys can get married as well but it wasn't that. In the end he said, 'How many reasons do you have?'. This confused me a little and he explained that when you want to marry someone you should make a list of all the reasons why you love them.
"But apparently that's not enough because, and I'm sure you don't know this because I didn't, there's a minimum target according to my little brother. When I asked him how many reasons I should have he told me one hundred.
"So," he said, digging out the pages from his pocket to amused giggles, "this is how I spent the night before my wedding. You'll forgive me if I only give an edited version of this list, but the highlights are as follows."
1. Because you supported me from the start
2. You're my best friend
33. The fact you said you were changing your Facebook status as soon as the ceremony was done
70. You made a home for me and my daughter
71. You are a father to our daughter
94. The Rubik's Cube
"But maybe, more important of all? Number 100. You make me a better person."
~fin~
Author notes
I never do the notes at end of the story but when I was planning this I came across some interesting information. Firstly, the colours here are the six traditional colours of the Rubik's Cube. They appear on the cube in the way listed in the cut text: white is opposite yellow, blue is opposite green, and orange is opposite red. I then set this so the colours progress and reflect the cube: 1 matches 4, 2 matches 5, 3 matches 6.
The colours also represent different moods, reflected in each section:
Green = safety
Red = passion
Yellow = joy
Blue = confidence
Orange = belonging
White = hope
The cube can be solved by simple mathematical movements (which is why some people can do it with speed and ease), but if you're not mathematically minded it can seem impossible.
So how is that for a metaphor?!
Also Will did actually write a list of 100 things he loves about Sonny.
Download it here.