(no subject)
Yesterday I went to bed and built a shell of blakets around me. It was so warm and so dark, I didn't want to move even though I was so hungry. I had a dream that I was being cooked.
I was thinking about Rael. He's an empath, but I think he knew good grounding/sheilding techniques because after he broke up with me and we had to do that one game, he didn't really seem to "see" me at all. I was also thinking about my shoes. I bought a pair of real shoes, but I only wore them once. I wrote all over them during that same game, and now they're lost. I guess my shoes didn't like being written on.
It's very confusing and distressing to give up a whole part of your life to someone else because you think it's what they want and then find out a few weeks later that they didn't. I didn't ask for it, not at all. Rael was the one who initiated everything. Maybe I was confused and thought he wanted it, and then he picked up on those feelings and thought they were his own. But I didn't ask for anything, I didn't say anything, he was the one who did it all. I'm just trying to sort it all out. I keep going over it in my head, but I can't figure it out. But I guess it doesn't really matter, because even though I didn't ask for any of what he gave to me, he gave it to me anyway, andwhen he took it away, it left an empty space. Now I'm not sure what I can fill it up with.
Rael did something else to me. For the first time in a long time, I've kind of realized that theree a more people in the world than I thought there were, and they're all feeling things, too. I used to feel alone wherever I went. It wasn't a bad kind of alone, because I enjoyed it. Now that I'm more aware of others, I'm more aware that they have thoughts and feelings and some of them are about me. That saddens me, because sometimes choices I makes are because of other people now. A good example is those shoes I bought. They were good for writing on, but they were the first pair of real shoes I've owned in years and years. Now that little bit of me has been changed. Maybe it was changed for the better. If Shana will stop yelling at me for just one thing, it's all worth it.
I was thinking about Rael. He's an empath, but I think he knew good grounding/sheilding techniques because after he broke up with me and we had to do that one game, he didn't really seem to "see" me at all. I was also thinking about my shoes. I bought a pair of real shoes, but I only wore them once. I wrote all over them during that same game, and now they're lost. I guess my shoes didn't like being written on.
It's very confusing and distressing to give up a whole part of your life to someone else because you think it's what they want and then find out a few weeks later that they didn't. I didn't ask for it, not at all. Rael was the one who initiated everything. Maybe I was confused and thought he wanted it, and then he picked up on those feelings and thought they were his own. But I didn't ask for anything, I didn't say anything, he was the one who did it all. I'm just trying to sort it all out. I keep going over it in my head, but I can't figure it out. But I guess it doesn't really matter, because even though I didn't ask for any of what he gave to me, he gave it to me anyway, andwhen he took it away, it left an empty space. Now I'm not sure what I can fill it up with.
Rael did something else to me. For the first time in a long time, I've kind of realized that theree a more people in the world than I thought there were, and they're all feeling things, too. I used to feel alone wherever I went. It wasn't a bad kind of alone, because I enjoyed it. Now that I'm more aware of others, I'm more aware that they have thoughts and feelings and some of them are about me. That saddens me, because sometimes choices I makes are because of other people now. A good example is those shoes I bought. They were good for writing on, but they were the first pair of real shoes I've owned in years and years. Now that little bit of me has been changed. Maybe it was changed for the better. If Shana will stop yelling at me for just one thing, it's all worth it.